Jan. 15, 2025

Life After the Badge

Life After the Badge

Life is about hearing and answering our callings, and Carlamae Sheremata knows this well. In this episode, Divya Parekh interviews Carlamae, a former police officer with over two decades of experience. After leaving the badge behind, Carlamae shares...

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Life is about hearing and answering our callings, and Carlamae Sheremata knows this well. In this episode, Divya Parekh interviews Carlamae, a former police officer with over two decades of experience. After leaving the badge behind, Carlamae shares her journey of rediscovering purpose and identity. Learn how her career shaped her understanding of humanity and how she fosters meaningful conversations. Tune in for powerful insights on navigating transitions, compassion, and deeper connections.

Beyond Confidence is broadcast live Tuesdays at 10AM ET on W4WN Radio - Women 4 Women Network (www.w4wn.com) part of Talk 4 Radio (www.talk4radio.com) on the Talk 4 Media Network (www.talk4media.com). Beyond Confidence TV Show is viewed on Talk 4 TV (www.talk4tv.com).

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WEBVTT

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The topics and opinions expressed on the following show are

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solely those of the hosts and their guests and not

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This is Beyond Confidence with your host w park. Do

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you want to live a more fulfilling life? Do you

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want to live your legacy and achieve your personal, professional,

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and financial goals?

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Well?

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Coming up on dvparks Beyond Confidence, you will hear real

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stories of leaders, entrepreneurs, and achievers who have stepped into discomfort,

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shattered their status quo, and are living the life they want.

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You will learn how relationships are the key to achieving

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your aspirations and financial goals. Moving your career business forward

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does not have to happen at the expense of your

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personal or family life or vice versa. Learn more at WWWA.

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You don't divpork dot com and you can connect with

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Dvant contact Dant divpark dot com. This is beyond confidence

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and now here's your host div Park.

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Good morning listeners, and we are almost midway into January.

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Time just flies, So I want to start out with

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the kind of story. So first of all, our huts

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go out to our fellow listeners in audience in LA

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and you're praying for them. And I want to share

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a beautiful kind of story. So one of my clients

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actually who lives in Texas, invited few of his friends

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who lost their homes to his home to come and

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stay with him for as long as they need be

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because they are working remotely. So what a beautiful story.

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He's housing four of his friends from LA for an

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indefinite amount of time. And this is the power of kindness.

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And the thing is that it's beautiful. Kindness is beautiful.

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It gets you through very very tough times. So if

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you are going through a rough time, a rough patch,

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then our books, the entrepreneurs got in and expert to

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influencer will help you make the meaning out of life

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and then help you get through tough times. Not only that,

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but help you rise from the ashes. It will help

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you rise from where you are at. So when you

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get our books, you're helping it three ways. Not only

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you're helping yourself, you're helping spread the message, and also

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you're helping entrepreneurs at kiva dot org where we take

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partial proceeds from our book sales and shared it with them.

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So I hope everyone is okay and our artfellow prayers

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are with you.

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So let's welcome our guest. Welcome, Calumny, Hi, Daviya, thank you.

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So we usually start out.

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With some memories or some remarkable moments from a time

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when you were young and that left a postive mark

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on you.

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Wow, Well, thinking back, I was always very different. I

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was very creative, very musical. I was kind of put

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out as gifted in that way, and that being able

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to be who I was when I was younger and

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do the music and just be able to use my

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creativity was so beautiful that with my parents allowing me

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to be different and to be who I was, so

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that really comes back as something that was so special

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growing up.

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Of course, and allowing the space for the child to

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express themselves, just like as it is for an individual

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to express themselves as they grow So the question is that,

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like you know, it brings. So when you say that

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your musical were you interested in singing or were you

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leaning towards one of the musical instruments.

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Well, I loved to sing and I still do, and

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I also played piano. I started guitar, didn't get very far,

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but I have a beautiful guitar.

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Sitting in his case. Has flute.

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I played flute in the band at school and then

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ended up going to get awards actually for top floutists.

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So I and I have not picked my flute up again.

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I have a beautiful flute sitting in its case. But

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that was all I guess in my younger years.

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So you mentioned that you know you were into the creativity.

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So what interest did your life take as you grew up?

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Well, very different actually, So I did music. I went

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in school. I loved music.

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And you know, so I was in band, in choir, drama,

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all that kind of stuff. But then I ended up

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also going into psych and sociology and then got a

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minor in music and university.

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Before that, though, I had the.

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Opportunity to travel around in Ireland and started up a

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group with Ireland a Rise.

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So it was a faith based group, and so we

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sang around Ireland for a while, and then I.

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Ended up also going to Natville at the age of

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nineteen and working with some ar reps and getting some

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music and looking into doing some recording. But then of

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course I have to come back and you know, go

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to university because every child has, you know, every good

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child has to go to university get their degrees. So

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I did psyched sociology. As I said in a minor

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in music. I really really wanted to work in the

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schools with young girls, just teaching them about empowerment and

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how they can build themselves up. But I was told

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that I would have to go back and get a

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teaching degree.

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But I didn't want to teach. I just wanted to work.

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With the young girls at that time.

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So I ended up going into oil and gas because

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I'm in Calgary, Alberta, and oil and gas is a

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big thing here. So did pr and marketing for a

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number of years, and.

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Then at the age of twenty six, decided that I

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needed a change and put my name in to become

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a police officer.

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Oh okay, so that's a huge transition. Working with girls

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music and what was behind that decision.

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Well, I think there was a couple of things. The

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first thing was in oil and gas at that time.

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Now this was, you know, quite a while ago. Women

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were not able to move up as they are now,

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and so.

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I felt stuck.

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And at that time I wanted to be able to

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do a job where men and women do the same

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thing and get paid the same. And again I'm not

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like this raw raw, you know, girl all girl power,

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braw burning that kind of thing, but because I really

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feel that men and women have so much to offer

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from each side, and I think when we can work together, man,

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you could have such an amazing company with using both

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male and females.

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Right.

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So one of the things that I really noticed is

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I wanted to do something where I was getting paid

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the same and doing the same job. So when I

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looked into policing, that's exactly what it was. What I

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did not realize though, is it sure takes a lot

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of gusto. I'd never been in a fight before. I

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had never I'd never touched or handled a weapon of

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any type, so any kind of gun.

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This was all new to me.

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So going in here, I mean, I have nails, I

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like my makeup and hair, done.

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I love fashion, so you know.

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When you look at excuse me, when you look at

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the police, and especially in Calgary, we have our lovely

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blue polyester uniforms, right, So so it kind of the

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coolest thing when I look at with policing, though, is it. Well,

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I guess when I was starting to go through the process,

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I was also dyingnosed with cancer at that time, and

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so when looking back now, that was I think that

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was kind of one of these I want to call

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it a little speed bump, because I could have looked

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at it two ways.

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It could have been a huge devastation.

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Of I can't believe I have cancer, how terrible, and

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kind of stopped everything with the process of going through

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to get into the police or as I did, I thought, no,

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you know what, I'm going to keep on doing my

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treatment and I'm going to keep going through the process

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because I really felt that the doors were opening for

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me very quickly with policing. And other people had been

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deferred for a year, eighteen months, they would fail the polygraph,

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they would fail different things, but yet for myself, everything

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was just going So I thought, I don't want to

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stop that momentum, and I really believed that with my treatment,

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I was going to be able to do both.

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That's really courageous. And you mentioned that things were aligned

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for you as you were going through and I'm assuming

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that there was a lot of physical training as well.

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Yes, And I counted seventy two bruises on my body

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one day after we had we went through kind of

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the multiple assailant attacks. And now this was all through training.

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But again I had never been in a fight before

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I had, you know, it was all new and so

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I was looking at these bruises. My first thought was, Oh,

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my goodness, what have I got myself into? And is

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this something that I want to keep going in because

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this was not something that I.

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Was used to.

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And what made you stay the course because as you

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mentioned that you wanted to be in a place, you know,

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where you can do the same thing. It was not competition.

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It is just that, like you know, I want to

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not feel stuck. I'm going to be able to keep

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on moving on. And here you are, I mean, you

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were in a very difficult situation. People fold under, like

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you know, especially during the time of cancer, and here

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you are challenging your body. So tell us, you know

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what for the lessons you learned and how did you

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move through that tough time.

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Well, one of the biggest things for me is I'm

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a woman of faith, and so prayer for me was

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huge and the community that was so huge as well,

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whether it was our church community, my family. I had

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so much support in so many different areas, and I believe,

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you know, might over matter for myself. Sometimes you really

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have to. You know, it's like that little engine that could.

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I think I can, I think I can, I know

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I can, and just keep going.

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And you know, I look at even and even in

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days now, I mean, things happen that are out of

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our control. Things happen that maybe it's a consequence of

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something that we did, but you know, we have a choice.

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Are we going to keep going or are we not?

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And for myself, it was I've.

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Got to do this because I really believe this is

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where I'm supposed to be. And as I powered through

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and got into policing, it was one of the best.

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Decisions I did.

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I loved what I did, and to this day, I

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have no regrets of being part of the police department.

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So what would you say were your best moments from

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that journey and what brought you that satisfaction.

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I think a few things.

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Number one, serving I have I love serving people and

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just being there for people. And you know when you

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when you talk to people who want to be officers

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or nurses excuse me, or nurses or somebody, you know

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they want to help people. That's what we want to do.

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But it's a very different way of helping people because

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we can have such a huge impact. But people can

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have such a huge impact on me as well, because

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you start seeing things through different people's eyes. So you know,

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you go to for instance, you go to a call

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and it could be a break and inner and this

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may have been your fifth break and inner call that

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I've attended, saved for that day.

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But that family that had happened to you that you

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are at now.

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They have never had to deal with police before, They've

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never had anything like this happen. So now they feel

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that their home, their sanctuary, has been invaded and they

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have Whether stuff was taken or not, or the home

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was you know, messed and destroyed or not, that's not

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the point. Point is you are now going to something

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that their whole life has been turned upside down. So

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how you go and you treat them and you sit

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with them and just allow.

239
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Them to be.

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That is a huge thing and that can make her

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break somebody's day or even life and how you treat them.

242
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So that was a huge thing to learn.

243
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And I think another big thing for me for one

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of the best times was being a school resource officer.

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I was working in the high schools for eight and

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a half years and absolutely loved it.

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You know, these youth that I worked with and the staff.

248
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I learned so much through them, and even to this day,

249
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I still get calls and you know, Facebook messages of

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people who are having kids or getting married or you know,

251
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onto their second or third degrees or masters, and so

252
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there's been such a relationship that was built through me

253
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even being a I guess a police officer, you know,

254
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enforcing our rules at the school, but still.

255
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Being able to have that and build those relationships.

256
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MM. So what are some of the ways where you

257
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can create that space? Ask the right questions and these

258
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could be sensitive topics. You mentioned that you know, you

259
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were growing, you were going in and talking with families

260
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who had their whole life turned upside down. Yeah, it

261
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does the matter, right, whether you're an entrepreneur or a parent,

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or a teacher, or an executive in a profession. I

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mean it could be with anyone, anyone going through something

264
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similar in different form or shape. What are some of

265
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the ways.

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So some of the ways that really worked, and I've

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kind of continued to use it, and like you say,

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even from the executive level when you're working with some

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of the the gen zs, I guess we can call

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them now.

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But some of the big things. Number one is no judgment.

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That is so huge because we no matter for a.

273
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Parent or you know, or a teacher or you know,

274
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working in an executive or supervisory role, we all bring

275
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in our own biases.

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We all have our own things that we you know,

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this is how we do stuff. This is the right way. Yet,

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especially when.

279
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You're dealing with youth, sometimes when they want to come

280
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and just talk to you about something, they don't want

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an answer or they don't want, you know, an opinion

282
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or advice or anything like that. They just want to

283
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be heard. And I think that goes on even for

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us as adults. We want to be seen, we want

285
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to be heard, and we want to be valued. And

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those continue on right from youth and right from young kids.

287
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You know, if we want to go right down. How

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many times, you know, you have a little two or

289
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three year.

290
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Olds, it's like mom, mom, Mom, mom. You know, it's

291
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like look, I'm right here.

292
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Hi.

293
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You know, they just want to be seen and they

294
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want to be heard.

295
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So no judgment is a huge thing. Finding a safe

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space and what that looks like is so different for everybody.

297
00:17:22.359 --> 00:17:25.519
For some people, uh it maybe you know when you're

298
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driving to or from activities and you've got your time

299
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in the car and I call it, you know, windshield

300
00:17:33.319 --> 00:17:37.240
windshield talk where you can just sit and nobody has

301
00:17:37.240 --> 00:17:39.519
to look at each other, but you can just talk.

302
00:17:40.319 --> 00:17:44.000
And sometimes those are the best conversations driving to and

303
00:17:44.039 --> 00:17:47.480
from school, driving to and from activities that you can

304
00:17:47.519 --> 00:17:52.559
have with your youth, with your partner, I mean, even policing,

305
00:17:52.599 --> 00:17:55.160
when we had our partners in the car, sometimes those

306
00:17:55.160 --> 00:17:57.359
are the best times that we would, you know, have

307
00:17:57.480 --> 00:18:03.640
really deep discussions about life. So that safe space is huge.

308
00:18:03.680 --> 00:18:06.559
And another way was safe space. I was talking to

309
00:18:06.599 --> 00:18:10.160
a parent the other day and they had mentioned their

310
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teen is a gamer. They game all the time. They're struggling.

311
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The parent is struggling with trying to connect with their

312
00:18:18.079 --> 00:18:22.279
child because the parent hates gaming so and.

313
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Doesn't even know how.

314
00:18:23.200 --> 00:18:26.440
So I said to them, why don't you ask your

315
00:18:26.519 --> 00:18:29.640
child or your youth to teach you go down for

316
00:18:29.680 --> 00:18:32.160
about ten or fifteen minutes and say, hey, look, I

317
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want to spend time with you.

318
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If this is how it's.

319
00:18:34.440 --> 00:18:37.480
Going to be, can you teach me how to play?

320
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And I said, you're probably going to be rolling your

321
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eyes fully, but I said, just.

322
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Do it inside.

323
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Don't show them, but just go and sit down, you know,

324
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ask them for the controller. I had called it a joystick,

325
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so that tells my age, but you know, ask them

326
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for the controller, have them teach you how to do it.

327
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So she said she went and did this and.

328
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They didn't really talk about anything, but you know, I

329
00:19:02.279 --> 00:19:04.400
think he was playing Call of Duty, so they just

330
00:19:04.519 --> 00:19:07.319
she you know, she learned how to play a little bit.

331
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And she said, you know what, no joke, she said.

332
00:19:10.640 --> 00:19:14.119
Three days later, my son comes home and says, hey,

333
00:19:14.680 --> 00:19:15.519
can I chat.

334
00:19:15.279 --> 00:19:18.039
With you about something that's going on at school? She said.

335
00:19:18.119 --> 00:19:21.359
I literally had to stop in my footsteps because she said,

336
00:19:21.400 --> 00:19:24.079
I did not ever think that this was going to happen.

337
00:19:24.720 --> 00:19:28.319
But she said, just that time, playing the game broke

338
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down the barrier that she doesn't think could have been

339
00:19:31.279 --> 00:19:34.400
broken down in any other way. So again it's finding

340
00:19:34.440 --> 00:19:37.640
that safe space. And then the last one is active listening.

341
00:19:38.480 --> 00:19:41.559
It's so important no matter if it's with our youth

342
00:19:41.799 --> 00:19:46.680
or again as supervisor is with our spouse. You you

343
00:19:46.759 --> 00:19:51.240
get told something, you're supposedly listening, but in your mind

344
00:19:51.279 --> 00:19:54.200
now you've already got the answer. You are going to

345
00:19:54.279 --> 00:19:57.759
tell them how it's done, and you've actually stopped listening

346
00:19:57.799 --> 00:20:01.799
to what they're saying. So so instead I've had to

347
00:20:01.839 --> 00:20:05.000
actually sit down with parents and literally just tell them.

348
00:20:04.880 --> 00:20:08.240
To shut up and not say anything.

349
00:20:09.119 --> 00:20:12.279
Let your child or your youth or whoever you're talking to,

350
00:20:12.400 --> 00:20:16.400
let them talk and actually sit and listen to what

351
00:20:16.440 --> 00:20:22.279
they're saying. Because half the time, when you start preparing

352
00:20:22.359 --> 00:20:25.279
what you're going to say, a lot of times that

353
00:20:25.440 --> 00:20:27.839
is the important stuff that they want you to listen

354
00:20:27.880 --> 00:20:30.559
to and you haven't even heard a word that they're saying.

355
00:20:33.480 --> 00:20:36.240
Yeah, you brought up some really really good points that

356
00:20:36.359 --> 00:20:41.400
can be so powerful in any situation, regardless who you

357
00:20:41.400 --> 00:20:46.119
are with as you're building meaningful relationships. A judgment, So

358
00:20:46.279 --> 00:20:48.839
as you mentioned about the biases, and like you know,

359
00:20:48.920 --> 00:20:52.880
we all come with biases. It's our brains are conditioned,

360
00:20:53.160 --> 00:20:56.440
and so what are some of the ways that people

361
00:20:56.559 --> 00:20:58.160
can get beyond that judgment?

362
00:21:00.279 --> 00:21:03.880
Well, I think for myself because I mean, I have

363
00:21:03.920 --> 00:21:06.480
a sixteen year old son, and you know what, I

364
00:21:07.559 --> 00:21:13.240
cast judgment right away. I believe that kind of stopping

365
00:21:13.839 --> 00:21:17.480
before you are going to say anything, and first off,

366
00:21:17.759 --> 00:21:21.839
really look at and listen to what is what is

367
00:21:21.880 --> 00:21:24.640
being said, and you know, do I need to say

368
00:21:24.640 --> 00:21:28.880
anything right now? If I say this? What is it

369
00:21:28.960 --> 00:21:33.119
going to turn my child away from me, excuse me?

370
00:21:33.279 --> 00:21:37.119
Or is it going to allow my child to want

371
00:21:37.160 --> 00:21:39.680
to talk more with me? So that's kind of the

372
00:21:39.680 --> 00:21:43.160
first thing is kind of stop and think. And then

373
00:21:43.240 --> 00:21:47.759
I think too is put yourself in their shoes. It

374
00:21:47.960 --> 00:21:50.799
just has taken them a lot of guts to come

375
00:21:50.799 --> 00:21:54.119
forward and talk to you about something. So again, do

376
00:21:54.200 --> 00:21:57.319
you want to shut that communication down or do you

377
00:21:57.359 --> 00:22:02.079
want to actually be able to engage more? So if

378
00:22:02.119 --> 00:22:04.839
that means saying, you know right off the bat, you

379
00:22:04.839 --> 00:22:08.000
know what, thank you so much for coming and talking

380
00:22:08.039 --> 00:22:09.519
to me, because I know that must have been really

381
00:22:09.559 --> 00:22:13.839
hard for you to come in and say this and

382
00:22:13.880 --> 00:22:17.559
then even to ask them would you like to continue

383
00:22:17.559 --> 00:22:20.680
this conversation, you know, would you like some advice, would

384
00:22:20.720 --> 00:22:24.079
you like me to to kind of go through maybe

385
00:22:24.079 --> 00:22:27.079
what I've been through, or what do you need from

386
00:22:27.119 --> 00:22:31.400
me right now? And I and sometimes as parents, that

387
00:22:31.839 --> 00:22:34.240
is hard for us to ask our child what do

388
00:22:34.319 --> 00:22:35.079
you need from us?

389
00:22:35.160 --> 00:22:36.039
Because we think we.

390
00:22:36.119 --> 00:22:39.319
Know what they need from us at most most times,

391
00:22:39.880 --> 00:22:42.599
but a lot of times we don't actually know what

392
00:22:42.640 --> 00:22:45.759
they need at that moment. So I think that really

393
00:22:45.799 --> 00:22:51.119
opens up a place where they feel that there's no judgment.

394
00:22:51.599 --> 00:22:52.319
It's amazing.

395
00:22:52.400 --> 00:22:54.240
So I wrote a book called Youth Truth.

396
00:22:54.920 --> 00:22:58.720
And the reason I wrote this book is the youth

397
00:22:58.759 --> 00:23:00.599
that I were talking that I was talking to you

398
00:23:00.680 --> 00:23:01.839
on numerous occasions.

399
00:23:02.400 --> 00:23:05.200
One of the biggest things was that they.

400
00:23:05.039 --> 00:23:08.519
Were scared to talk to their parents about stuff like suicide, bullying,

401
00:23:08.920 --> 00:23:12.839
even said, you know, self harm, all of that stuff

402
00:23:13.160 --> 00:23:17.680
social media because they were worried about the judgment that

403
00:23:17.759 --> 00:23:19.319
was going to come from their parents, what their parents

404
00:23:19.319 --> 00:23:22.279
were going to say, even if it was you know,

405
00:23:22.519 --> 00:23:24.680
they just wanted to bring some stuff up. They were

406
00:23:24.680 --> 00:23:27.720
worried and they were fearful of what mom and dad

407
00:23:27.720 --> 00:23:32.160
were going to bring forward. So that is where I thought,

408
00:23:32.279 --> 00:23:34.319
you know what, this is where we really need to

409
00:23:34.359 --> 00:23:37.480
bring some tools of how to work through this so

410
00:23:37.519 --> 00:23:40.119
that both sides can feel that they can come forward

411
00:23:40.119 --> 00:23:42.119
and engage in these hard conversations.

412
00:23:45.640 --> 00:23:49.720
Yeah, it's it's you're right, like and having kids, you know,

413
00:23:50.240 --> 00:23:53.279
being a mom myself, I know, it's not the easiest

414
00:23:53.279 --> 00:23:59.119
thing to do, and it's it's to find balance, giving

415
00:23:59.119 --> 00:24:03.799
them the space and at the same time, not keeping

416
00:24:03.880 --> 00:24:06.759
quiet if you're seeing something. And one of the things

417
00:24:06.799 --> 00:24:10.079
that I have found is letting them know, like, listen,

418
00:24:10.680 --> 00:24:13.000
I'm not here so that you can like me, I'm

419
00:24:13.039 --> 00:24:15.079
you have to tell you what you may not want

420
00:24:15.079 --> 00:24:15.759
to like to hear.

421
00:24:16.400 --> 00:24:17.000
Yeah, so.

422
00:24:19.400 --> 00:24:21.640
Here's what I'm seeing, and it's coming from a place

423
00:24:21.640 --> 00:24:23.920
of love. Here is not like where I'm trying to

424
00:24:26.799 --> 00:24:30.200
pull you down or anything. And that seems to have

425
00:24:30.240 --> 00:24:33.720
worked as well. And sometimes, you know, it's they're hard

426
00:24:34.480 --> 00:24:39.960
and they're now such a hard place because with social media, unfortunately,

427
00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:44.519
what has happened is that a lot of parents will like,

428
00:24:44.599 --> 00:24:46.519
you know, I've got some of my clients will be

429
00:24:46.559 --> 00:24:48.880
complaining like, oh, you know, I buy them so much

430
00:24:49.000 --> 00:24:52.440
and all of that, and they don't seem happy, and

431
00:24:53.079 --> 00:24:57.160
it's like, don't rather than buy them the gifts, buy

432
00:24:57.200 --> 00:24:59.880
them the experiences like you know, where you're going out

433
00:25:00.079 --> 00:25:05.079
doing something together because unfortunately with our and there's something

434
00:25:05.119 --> 00:25:08.640
called TikTok brain where because what happens is, like you

435
00:25:08.759 --> 00:25:11.000
keep on seeing those reels, you need to have the

436
00:25:11.160 --> 00:25:15.599
consistent stimulation to release that dopamine to become happy. And

437
00:25:15.640 --> 00:25:18.920
that's impacting the rest of their lives too, because people

438
00:25:18.960 --> 00:25:20.920
are so much on their phones and looking at the

439
00:25:20.960 --> 00:25:24.839
Insta or Facebook reels that brains are conditioned like it

440
00:25:24.920 --> 00:25:28.759
needs more and more to get happier. So social media,

441
00:25:29.119 --> 00:25:32.200
don't get me wrong, we're here, you know, sharing and

442
00:25:32.880 --> 00:25:36.720
getting the message out there. It's important it is leveled

443
00:25:36.720 --> 00:25:39.000
the playing field. But it's also important to use it

444
00:25:39.000 --> 00:25:42.400
in moderation and how do we use it? And that's

445
00:25:42.440 --> 00:25:45.680
another story to tell. As you can see, I could

446
00:25:45.720 --> 00:25:46.720
go on and on about.

447
00:25:46.519 --> 00:25:50.200
That well, and I think you said even it's it's

448
00:25:50.240 --> 00:25:53.000
like a drug, it's becoming an addiction. Yeah, And I

449
00:25:53.039 --> 00:25:56.200
think interesting that your clients had mentioned, you know, that

450
00:25:56.200 --> 00:25:59.200
they buy them everything. I ended up sitting down with

451
00:25:59.240 --> 00:26:02.480
my son and having him do the love language quiz

452
00:26:02.519 --> 00:26:06.200
for teens because I had an idea what his love

453
00:26:06.240 --> 00:26:10.480
language was. But I really wanted to see. And the

454
00:26:10.519 --> 00:26:13.759
reason that I ended up doing that was, you.

455
00:26:13.720 --> 00:26:15.200
Know, he would say, well, let's go sit. Can we

456
00:26:15.279 --> 00:26:17.279
just watch a show together? So I'm thinking, perfect, you know,

457
00:26:17.279 --> 00:26:18.119
we're watching.

458
00:26:17.799 --> 00:26:21.279
A show, I can go through emails or whatever. And

459
00:26:21.319 --> 00:26:23.799
then you'd say, Mom, you know, you're on your phone again,

460
00:26:24.000 --> 00:26:26.039
and so it's like, oh, hey, you know, it's sorry,

461
00:26:26.039 --> 00:26:29.680
I'll put it away. Well, his love language is quality time.

462
00:26:30.319 --> 00:26:34.359
So what I right at that point, I'm like, Okay,

463
00:26:34.480 --> 00:26:37.319
even if we're just watching a show together, I'm off

464
00:26:37.440 --> 00:26:41.119
my device. I'm just engaged with our show, with talking

465
00:26:41.160 --> 00:26:45.279
with him, you know, and that is that'll be our time.

466
00:26:45.279 --> 00:26:46.240
But that's something that.

467
00:26:46.599 --> 00:26:50.200
He doesn't care about stuff. He doesn't care at all

468
00:26:50.200 --> 00:26:53.480
about stuff. But man alive, if I can go for

469
00:26:53.519 --> 00:26:55.799
supper with him, you know, just him and I, or

470
00:26:55.880 --> 00:26:59.599
we'll take a trip or something that for him, you

471
00:26:59.640 --> 00:27:02.440
can just see the smile and just in his eyes

472
00:27:02.559 --> 00:27:06.119
the sparkle, and that is enough. And so I think

473
00:27:06.200 --> 00:27:09.680
that that's really important for parents because again, we think

474
00:27:09.680 --> 00:27:13.119
we know what our kids need, but we are missing

475
00:27:13.160 --> 00:27:16.599
the actual point of what they actually need and are

476
00:27:16.599 --> 00:27:17.839
looking forward to.

477
00:27:20.559 --> 00:27:20.759
Yeah.

478
00:27:20.920 --> 00:27:23.440
No, what you're saying is right on the mark. And

479
00:27:24.599 --> 00:27:28.839
also it's important as parents to be forgiving off yourself

480
00:27:28.960 --> 00:27:35.359
because kids don't come with the manual. Unfortunately, it would be.

481
00:27:35.240 --> 00:27:37.960
A big manual if they game with one.

482
00:27:37.839 --> 00:27:40.039
Exactly, and it can be different for each chiga.

483
00:27:40.240 --> 00:27:43.440
Again, yeah, so you know.

484
00:27:43.440 --> 00:27:46.160
There are so many situations because whatever you are seeing

485
00:27:46.160 --> 00:27:50.440
on the surface is not what's happening. There's more to it.

486
00:27:51.039 --> 00:27:53.559
So how can people like you did mention that you know,

487
00:27:53.720 --> 00:27:56.400
play games or like, you know, just be there for them?

488
00:27:56.920 --> 00:27:59.880
But if you're seeing something that's happening or bothering like

489
00:28:00.119 --> 00:28:02.400
and it could be an employee too, like you can

490
00:28:02.440 --> 00:28:06.200
see that they're not in it. What is a good

491
00:28:06.200 --> 00:28:09.480
way to understand that hidden struggle and recognize what they're

492
00:28:09.480 --> 00:28:12.279
not saying and how can they address that?

493
00:28:13.319 --> 00:28:13.599
Well?

494
00:28:13.880 --> 00:28:18.039
Number one empathy and again it's putting yourself in their shoes.

495
00:28:18.519 --> 00:28:21.519
So if you if you were going through something and

496
00:28:21.559 --> 00:28:23.160
maybe you don't know what they're going through, but you

497
00:28:23.240 --> 00:28:26.079
know that something's going on, how would you like somebody

498
00:28:26.079 --> 00:28:27.000
to come and approach you?

499
00:28:28.000 --> 00:28:30.559
And what would that look like? And so and again

500
00:28:30.599 --> 00:28:34.599
everybody is different, but you know, just taking that person.

501
00:28:34.319 --> 00:28:36.720
Aside or even sending them a text and I know

502
00:28:36.759 --> 00:28:38.119
some people are like, oh my gosh, I want to

503
00:28:38.119 --> 00:28:42.079
be off our phones. But for our teens, sometimes just

504
00:28:42.119 --> 00:28:44.559
sending them a text of hey, you know what, can

505
00:28:44.599 --> 00:28:47.559
we chat a little bit? You know, love you and

506
00:28:47.720 --> 00:28:51.119
you know, and something like that, right so they know

507
00:28:51.200 --> 00:28:53.680
they're not in trouble, but that they know that you

508
00:28:53.759 --> 00:28:57.599
want to have some spend some time, or taking them aside,

509
00:28:57.839 --> 00:29:02.599
you know, if it's as an lawyer, taking them aside.

510
00:29:02.200 --> 00:29:05.480
And just saying, hey, you know, what are you doing okay?

511
00:29:05.519 --> 00:29:08.359
Because I've just been noticing like you're just not yourself,

512
00:29:08.400 --> 00:29:12.799
You're not as happy, You're not you know, or even

513
00:29:12.839 --> 00:29:16.839
with work. I'm just noticing that you're you're kind of

514
00:29:16.880 --> 00:29:19.400
slowing down a little bit and stuff, and it kind

515
00:29:19.400 --> 00:29:22.440
of worries me. It concerns me. If you know, if

516
00:29:22.440 --> 00:29:24.359
you want to talk now, great, but I just want

517
00:29:24.400 --> 00:29:25.359
to let you know I'm here.

518
00:29:25.920 --> 00:29:28.359
I you know there. It's no judgment, it's confidential and

519
00:29:28.400 --> 00:29:30.920
it's a safe space. That's all you have to do.

520
00:29:32.559 --> 00:29:38.759
They will come when they're ready and you'll notice, you know.

521
00:29:38.759 --> 00:29:41.880
And I think somebody had brought forward, well, how do

522
00:29:41.960 --> 00:29:46.640
you know if somebody is going through even emotional stuff

523
00:29:46.759 --> 00:29:49.559
and they don't really talk about it. Well, if somebody

524
00:29:49.599 --> 00:29:51.799
is always really really happy and all of a sudden

525
00:29:51.839 --> 00:29:55.200
you see them kind of really back down or kind

526
00:29:55.240 --> 00:29:58.400
of being more to themselves they're telling you something. Or

527
00:29:58.720 --> 00:30:01.640
if somebody is always very quiet and all of a

528
00:30:01.640 --> 00:30:04.720
sudden little things are triggering them and just taking them

529
00:30:04.720 --> 00:30:08.640
over the edge, there's something going on. And it could

530
00:30:08.680 --> 00:30:12.000
be something even to the effect of say, parents are

531
00:30:12.000 --> 00:30:16.799
getting divorced, right, and it's kind of that hidden quiet

532
00:30:16.839 --> 00:30:19.759
thing because some there's some sometimes there's shame in that

533
00:30:19.920 --> 00:30:24.640
for for young people and even for adults themselves, or

534
00:30:24.759 --> 00:30:29.160
sometimes shame in that. So even something like that could

535
00:30:29.200 --> 00:30:34.000
trigger something for a youth that that all of a

536
00:30:34.039 --> 00:30:36.319
sudden they need to talk to somebody, but they just again,

537
00:30:36.400 --> 00:30:39.759
they don't know how because it's that hard conversation mm hm.

538
00:30:40.279 --> 00:30:42.519
So And at work, I mean, we saw that at

539
00:30:42.519 --> 00:30:46.920
work with in our you know, with policing, where people

540
00:30:47.000 --> 00:30:49.640
were going through stuff and it's like, how do we

541
00:30:49.640 --> 00:30:52.119
talk to them because we don't want to we don't

542
00:30:52.119 --> 00:30:54.599
want it to seem like we're meddling in their lives.

543
00:30:55.200 --> 00:30:57.960
But you know what, we have concern and we want

544
00:30:58.000 --> 00:31:02.640
to make sure that they know that we're here and

545
00:31:02.720 --> 00:31:04.880
that's all it is. Even maybe grabbing a coffee or

546
00:31:04.880 --> 00:31:07.440
taking your child, you know, to Starbucks and getting a

547
00:31:07.480 --> 00:31:09.799
hot chocolate and sitting there, or a coffee with them

548
00:31:10.200 --> 00:31:13.759
and sitting there because again it's an open space and

549
00:31:14.720 --> 00:31:16.720
they're if they're ready to talk, they will talk.

550
00:31:18.799 --> 00:31:23.880
Yeah, very true. It is, like you said, giving that

551
00:31:23.960 --> 00:31:27.079
space and letting them know that you're there for them

552
00:31:27.440 --> 00:31:31.640
whenever they're ready and providing that unconditional support. And that

553
00:31:31.839 --> 00:31:34.680
goes back again to the empathy piece that you mentioned

554
00:31:34.880 --> 00:31:41.960
so so important. So tell us, So do you have

555
00:31:42.039 --> 00:31:47.680
any stories or any times where you took people through

556
00:31:47.720 --> 00:31:49.680
this journey and like you know what where they were

557
00:31:49.720 --> 00:31:50.880
before and where they are now.

558
00:31:52.920 --> 00:31:56.480
Oh well, well I've got so I you know, what

559
00:31:57.240 --> 00:31:58.359
can I tell just kind.

560
00:31:58.200 --> 00:32:01.400
Of one of the stories from the book. So the

561
00:32:01.440 --> 00:32:02.599
book consists of.

562
00:32:02.519 --> 00:32:06.400
The first nine chapters is true real stories from the

563
00:32:06.440 --> 00:32:10.680
youth themselves of stuff that they've gone through, what they

564
00:32:11.039 --> 00:32:15.359
people didn't know about them and kind of and in

565
00:32:15.400 --> 00:32:18.519
the end then kind of goes through you know, like

566
00:32:18.599 --> 00:32:20.759
never judge a book by its cover, you know, things

567
00:32:20.799 --> 00:32:21.240
like that.

568
00:32:21.640 --> 00:32:24.880
And then the last chapter talks about tools that are

569
00:32:24.880 --> 00:32:26.000
so important for.

570
00:32:26.119 --> 00:32:29.640
Any caregiver of a youth, and including youth themselves, to

571
00:32:29.640 --> 00:32:32.359
know they're not alone and to know what they can

572
00:32:32.440 --> 00:32:36.400
do and how they can help each other. And so

573
00:32:36.519 --> 00:32:40.400
one of the stories, it's John Stories, it's called and

574
00:32:40.480 --> 00:32:42.680
of course the names and all that stuff have been changed.

575
00:32:43.400 --> 00:32:46.279
But he was a young a sixteen year old in

576
00:32:46.359 --> 00:32:46.880
high school.

577
00:32:47.839 --> 00:32:51.400
Never never posed any problems, never any concerns.

578
00:32:51.880 --> 00:32:55.160
He you know, was always in class, always there.

579
00:32:55.160 --> 00:32:57.839
But I just had noticed recently, and I was working

580
00:32:57.839 --> 00:32:59.799
in the high school as a police officer at the time,

581
00:33:00.839 --> 00:33:04.039
that he was looking a little bit more unhealthy, like

582
00:33:04.160 --> 00:33:06.400
his his face was, you know, a little bit more

583
00:33:06.440 --> 00:33:09.160
yellowish skin, and he was looking a little bit more gaunt,

584
00:33:10.160 --> 00:33:13.599
was losing weight, and he wasn't large to begin with,

585
00:33:13.759 --> 00:33:19.200
so you know, it was quite noticeable. And so I

586
00:33:19.240 --> 00:33:22.279
remember going up in one day just saying, hey, you

587
00:33:22.279 --> 00:33:24.599
know what, because I just really felt being led to

588
00:33:24.599 --> 00:33:27.680
give him. We would give out cafeteria cards so that

589
00:33:27.680 --> 00:33:29.319
the kids could have lunch because.

590
00:33:29.079 --> 00:33:31.200
We were living we were in an area where not

591
00:33:31.279 --> 00:33:35.440
everybody had food, you know that kind of thing.

592
00:33:35.759 --> 00:33:40.039
It was a very there were the the high end

593
00:33:40.079 --> 00:33:43.319
homes than the Calgary housing, right, So we went it

594
00:33:43.400 --> 00:33:45.119
was very diverse, very diverse.

595
00:33:45.880 --> 00:33:48.160
So I just remember him looking at me and saying

596
00:33:48.200 --> 00:33:48.599
thank you.

597
00:33:50.720 --> 00:33:54.880
And the story goes where around eleven thirty at night

598
00:33:54.920 --> 00:33:58.759
one evening, I get a phone call and it was

599
00:33:58.839 --> 00:34:01.519
John and he said that He's like, I don't know

600
00:34:01.519 --> 00:34:05.440
if you remember me, but he said, I have doubted

601
00:34:05.440 --> 00:34:08.639
myself and the living room in gasoline and I'm ready.

602
00:34:08.840 --> 00:34:10.880
I'm ready to end it all. I'm ready to light

603
00:34:10.920 --> 00:34:13.000
I've got a match or a lighter with me right now.

604
00:34:13.679 --> 00:34:17.320
And he said, I really need somebody here. And he

605
00:34:17.400 --> 00:34:20.039
said if you I need you, and if you don't come,

606
00:34:20.119 --> 00:34:21.599
he says, I'm going to.

607
00:34:21.679 --> 00:34:26.239
Light myself on fire. And so I was like, holy cow, okay.

608
00:34:26.360 --> 00:34:29.519
So I got I contacted the street sergeant that was

609
00:34:29.599 --> 00:34:31.440
working just let them know this is what we had.

610
00:34:32.119 --> 00:34:35.360
Got myself out of bed. I didn't have my uniform.

611
00:34:35.079 --> 00:34:38.519
At home, and so jumped in the car and went

612
00:34:38.599 --> 00:34:43.000
to his residence and just let him know that, you know,

613
00:34:43.039 --> 00:34:45.480
I was there. Gone in contact again with him, and

614
00:34:45.519 --> 00:34:48.719
he went through and told the story that he says,

615
00:34:48.760 --> 00:34:51.000
nobody knows this. I've never told anybody, but he said,

616
00:34:52.480 --> 00:34:54.599
my mom's a stripper. That's how she makes her money.

617
00:34:54.760 --> 00:34:57.960
Dad's in jail, brothers in jail. He said, there's never

618
00:34:58.039 --> 00:35:02.400
food in the house. Each I wait up at night

619
00:35:02.840 --> 00:35:04.800
and to listen to the key come in the door

620
00:35:04.960 --> 00:35:07.239
so that I know Mom is getting home and she's safe.

621
00:35:07.639 --> 00:35:08.639
He said, I'll get out of bed.

622
00:35:08.679 --> 00:35:11.000
I'll go and check to make sure that you know

623
00:35:11.239 --> 00:35:14.039
there's no bruises or anything on her because of something

624
00:35:14.039 --> 00:35:17.719
that happened at the club. He said that there's times

625
00:35:18.639 --> 00:35:22.239
where I feel that if I wasn't around, she wouldn't

626
00:35:22.360 --> 00:35:25.360
have to do this. And so he said, I'm on

627
00:35:25.400 --> 00:35:28.760
a mattress that the springs are all coming through. When

628
00:35:28.800 --> 00:35:30.960
I open up my window, I'm looking at a brick

629
00:35:31.039 --> 00:35:33.960
wall by a parking lot.

630
00:35:34.119 --> 00:35:36.119
You know, there's no sun that comes through my window.

631
00:35:36.320 --> 00:35:39.960
He said, I have three pairs of short or of jeans,

632
00:35:40.440 --> 00:35:45.880
three shirts, and a hoodie. And he said my shoes, He.

633
00:35:45.840 --> 00:35:47.840
Goes, I just keep ductaping them because they have so

634
00:35:47.880 --> 00:35:51.519
many holes in them. But he said, and he said,

635
00:35:51.519 --> 00:35:53.639
even when it's warm, he says, you probably have noticed

636
00:35:53.679 --> 00:35:56.400
I wear like a hoodie zipped up. He'said, because my

637
00:35:56.440 --> 00:35:58.400
t shirts have holes. And he said, so I want

638
00:35:58.440 --> 00:35:59.960
to still be presentable at school.

639
00:36:00.679 --> 00:36:03.039
Well, I'm on the phone thinking, oh.

640
00:36:02.920 --> 00:36:07.800
My goodness, you know, I had no idea, and so

641
00:36:08.519 --> 00:36:09.960
we were able to get him out of the house

642
00:36:09.960 --> 00:36:13.519
that you know, called him out of the house, and

643
00:36:13.719 --> 00:36:16.519
he did not light himself on fire. And I asked him,

644
00:36:16.599 --> 00:36:18.920
you know, once he got out to put the lighter down,

645
00:36:19.599 --> 00:36:24.199
and he was fully, fully doused and gasolene just drenched,

646
00:36:25.119 --> 00:36:30.039
and so he as he came out, I had, you know, uh,

647
00:36:30.239 --> 00:36:32.840
fire people and fire guys and stuff go in to

648
00:36:32.960 --> 00:36:36.280
just kind of check the residents out. And as he

649
00:36:36.360 --> 00:36:38.840
was getting checked out by ems, I went in. I

650
00:36:38.880 --> 00:36:40.880
asked if I could just go in and see what

651
00:36:41.000 --> 00:36:43.639
I was dealing with in the house, And no joke,

652
00:36:43.840 --> 00:36:46.239
he had doused the entire living room. The can of

653
00:36:46.320 --> 00:36:48.760
gasolene was sitting in the middle of the floor. When

654
00:36:48.800 --> 00:36:50.719
I walked into the kitchen and just you know, checked

655
00:36:50.719 --> 00:36:53.719
the fridge, in the cupboards, there was no food. I

656
00:36:53.760 --> 00:36:56.719
went upstairs and exactly as he said, his mattress or

657
00:36:56.760 --> 00:36:58.280
the window, his clothes.

658
00:36:58.559 --> 00:36:59.719
He wasn't lying at all.

659
00:37:00.239 --> 00:37:05.880
But this child at sixteen, was dealing with adult issues.

660
00:37:06.480 --> 00:37:10.360
He was trying to be that adult for his mom,

661
00:37:10.960 --> 00:37:13.559
to make sure she was safe, to make sure that

662
00:37:13.800 --> 00:37:16.079
you know, nothing had happened to her, and then trying

663
00:37:16.119 --> 00:37:20.119
to be this child coming to school. And when we

664
00:37:20.159 --> 00:37:23.719
got out, or when I came out and was chatting

665
00:37:23.719 --> 00:37:28.000
with him more while he was in the ambulance, he asked,

666
00:37:28.039 --> 00:37:29.920
he said, why did you.

667
00:37:31.480 --> 00:37:33.360
Give me that card, you know, that day?

668
00:37:33.360 --> 00:37:34.880
And I told him, I said, I just felt that

669
00:37:34.960 --> 00:37:36.760
you needed He said, you know what, I had not

670
00:37:36.800 --> 00:37:39.320
eaten in four days. And he said, when you gave

671
00:37:39.360 --> 00:37:40.960
me that card, he said, I felt like you were

672
00:37:41.000 --> 00:37:44.639
a guardian angel that had come and been brought to me.

673
00:37:45.480 --> 00:37:47.960
And he said, he goes. I was ready to go.

674
00:37:48.119 --> 00:37:50.320
He said, I don't want to be here anymore because

675
00:37:50.880 --> 00:37:52.320
if I'm not here, my mom.

676
00:37:52.440 --> 00:37:54.400
Doesn't have to do the things that she has to do.

677
00:37:55.079 --> 00:37:57.400
And all I said to him is, I said, there's

678
00:37:57.440 --> 00:38:00.320
more for your life. And so he asked by could

679
00:38:00.360 --> 00:38:02.000
ride with him to the hospital.

680
00:38:01.960 --> 00:38:07.440
And we went, and just that little bit of I

681
00:38:07.480 --> 00:38:10.119
mean and now he went off to university and he's

682
00:38:10.119 --> 00:38:14.880
got a family. But again just that little bit. We

683
00:38:15.000 --> 00:38:18.079
have no clue what people are going through. And so

684
00:38:18.199 --> 00:38:20.519
as you started your show with the kindness and the

685
00:38:20.559 --> 00:38:25.199
story which is beautiful of one of your clients, kindness

686
00:38:25.239 --> 00:38:28.239
goes such a long way and we never know what

687
00:38:28.280 --> 00:38:33.880
that person is going through. And for me, my company

688
00:38:33.960 --> 00:38:36.480
is called Diamond in the Rough because each of us

689
00:38:36.559 --> 00:38:38.000
has a diamond in us.

690
00:38:38.639 --> 00:38:40.280
And many diamonds.

691
00:38:40.280 --> 00:38:42.840
Many of us have tarnished diamonds because of our traumas,

692
00:38:42.840 --> 00:38:45.719
what we've been through, where we've come from. But all

693
00:38:45.760 --> 00:38:49.280
it takes is one person to start polishing that diamond

694
00:38:49.400 --> 00:38:52.719
and to show us that we can shine, and we

695
00:38:52.800 --> 00:38:56.039
can shine in different ways that we may have never

696
00:38:56.119 --> 00:38:59.800
even believed or thought we could. And so if that's

697
00:38:59.800 --> 00:39:03.559
what we can be for one person and live, we

698
00:39:03.679 --> 00:39:06.679
can the help people shine in so many different ways.

699
00:39:07.159 --> 00:39:10.280
So that's kind of one of the stories from the

700
00:39:10.280 --> 00:39:14.719
book that and each story deals with something very different,

701
00:39:14.920 --> 00:39:19.480
but each story shows that you know what, you're not alone,

702
00:39:20.000 --> 00:39:23.079
there's people out there that will help and can help.

703
00:39:23.840 --> 00:39:26.760
And again it's about having those hard conversations and what

704
00:39:26.800 --> 00:39:27.519
does that look like?

705
00:39:29.559 --> 00:39:32.079
What a beautiful story and what a beautiful life journey

706
00:39:32.079 --> 00:39:36.000
I've had, color Mane, so share with us how people

707
00:39:36.079 --> 00:39:38.679
can contact you and they can connect with you.

708
00:39:40.239 --> 00:39:44.280
So I'm on LinkedIn under Carla may share Matta as well.

709
00:39:44.400 --> 00:39:50.559
My website is www dot carlomesharemata dot com and it's

710
00:39:50.559 --> 00:39:53.920
got my email on there and yeah they can connect there.

711
00:39:54.039 --> 00:39:57.039
And my book Youth Truth, which I've got right here.

712
00:39:58.320 --> 00:40:01.400
It is on Amazon and in Sparks as well, so

713
00:40:01.480 --> 00:40:06.559
any bookstores, So feel free to grab a book and

714
00:40:06.719 --> 00:40:09.880
send me an email and let me know if you

715
00:40:10.000 --> 00:40:12.400
need anything or want to chat about anything.

716
00:40:14.760 --> 00:40:19.559
That's so powerful in Thank you for joining us and

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sharing your story and your heart, and we really wish

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you the best in this journey so that you can

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continue to make the impact not just on that one child,

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but like many many so because these are our next

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generation leaders who will be leading the way. So thank

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you for all the work you're doing.

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Thank you so much.

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Thank you, thank you for joining us, and thank you

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00:40:48.000 --> 00:40:50.960
listeners for being part of our show because you are

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00:40:51.239 --> 00:40:54.159
the life and blood of our show. Anything we can

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00:40:54.199 --> 00:40:56.239
do to help you, reach out to us, let us

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00:40:56.320 --> 00:40:59.559
know how we can support you in your life journey.

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You can live the best life you want. And thank

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you for making the show technically possible.

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Thank you for being part of Beyond Confidence with your

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00:41:09.880 --> 00:41:12.719
host Dvpark. We hope you have learned more about how

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to start living the life you want Each week on

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Beyond Confidence, you hear stories of real people who've experienced

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00:41:18.880 --> 00:41:23.079
growth by overcoming their fears and building meaningful relationships. During

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00:41:23.079 --> 00:41:26.320
Beyond Confidence, Dvpark shares what happened to her when she

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00:41:26.400 --> 00:41:28.800
stepped out of her comfort zone to work directly with

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people across the globe. She not only coaches people how

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to form hard connections, but also transform relationships to mutually

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00:41:35.800 --> 00:41:39.280
beneficial partnerships as they strive to live the life they want.

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If you are ready to live the life you want

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00:41:41.719 --> 00:41:46.079
and leverage your strengths, learn more at www dot dvpark

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00:41:46.159 --> 00:41:49.719
dot com and you can connect with vat contact at

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00:41:49.920 --> 00:41:53.039
dvpark dot com. We look forward to you joining us

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00:41:53.079 --> 00:41:53.639
next week.