Sept. 15, 2026

Why Success Still Feels Empty

Show Notes
Transcript

Why can success still leave you feeling unfulfilled? In this thought-provoking conversation, Divya Parekh and John R. Miles explore The Great Erasure—the way achievement and productivity can become tied to identity and self-worth. They discuss mattering at work, the hidden cost of constantly proving your value, and John’s M.A.T.T.E.R. framework from his forthcoming book, The Mattering Effect. The episode asks: where does your sense of worth come from beyond achievement?

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This is Beyond Confidence with your host, Divya Parikh. Do

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you want to live a more fulfilling life? Do you

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want to live your legacy and achieve your personal, professional,

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and financial goals? Well, coming up on Divya Parikh's Beyond Confidence,

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you will hear real stories of leaders, entrepreneurs, and achievers

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who have stepped into discomfort, shattered their status quo, and

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are living the life they want. You will learn how

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relationships are the key to achieving your aspirations and financial goals.

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Moving your career or business forward does not have to

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happen at the expense of your personal or family life,

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or vice versa. Learn more at www.diviapark.com, and you can

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connect with Divya at contact at divyapark.com. This is Beyond Confidence,

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and now here's your host, Divya Park.

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Good morning, listeners.

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It's Tuesday morning, and we are thrilled to be here.

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And the key is that hiccups happen in life.

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So just today, sometimes misunderstandings happen, and especially with the

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digital age, we need so many different links and connections

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to connect.

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But the key is having.

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The kindness in heart and being open and having that

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flexibility to dance with uncertainty because life happens. And when

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life happens, it's completely fantastic, like, To go about it

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is the key to just dance with it and work

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your way through it in the best way you can.

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So I'm sure that you all are hearing a lot

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about artificial intelligence.

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We are hearing a lot.

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Of doomsday calls and a lot of uncertainties in the air.

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So the key is that how do you go about it,

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whether you're bringing in AI, whether it is for your

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own business or or in your personal life, or in

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your organization. The key is putting the guardrails, having that governance.

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And exactly how do you bring it in safely? That's

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what our book talks about, the AI agency. So if

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you're looking to bring it in in a safe way,

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if you're looking to bring it in so that it

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creates the space for you, where you can be creative,

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where you can be doing meaningful work, we can coexist

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together with Human in the Loop. So if you're looking

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for it, so please get a book because we share

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part of the proceeds with kiva.org. And we want to

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thank you to each and every one of you who

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have got our books and been part of our journey together.

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So today we will be talking about a little bit

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about a.

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Lot of different things.

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And we have a very special guest for you.

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So let's welcome our guest. Welcome, John.

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Divya, it's so great to be here. Thank you so

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much for the honor of being on your show.

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Oh, it's lovely to have you. So John, do you recall.

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A moment in your life or a person who have

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left a positive mark on you that you remember to

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this day?

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Yeah.

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A great person, um, who was very influential very early

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in my life was my speech therapist. When I was

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five and a half, um, I had a really bad accident, uh,

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playing in my backyard where I was pushed from behind and, uh,

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the force carried me through our basement window. And, uh,

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I awoke some point later with a traumatic brain injury.

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And as a result of that, I developed a speech impediment,

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sensory processing disorder, migraines, a whole bunch of other things. But, uh,

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My speech problems were one of the most impactful because

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they influenced so many things when I was a kid

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and how I spoke to others, obviously. And long before

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I ever learned what neuroplasticity was, she really taught me

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that we had a choice in life. We could either

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accept things our circumstances and do something positive with them,

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or we could be a victim and that framing. And

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she did it in a way that a five-year-old could

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understand it completely changed for me that the trajectory of

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how I approached life from that point forward.

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Oh, you are so young and to have, it must

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have just alarming and, you know, being a child and just,

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I know it has turned out well for you. I

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just hope nobody has to go through because parents, it

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can be such a nightmare. So sounds like it definitely

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left a lot of positive impact on you and you

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learn to make good choices. So if you're okay sharing,

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how long did it last as far as the effects

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of that brain injury and how long did it take

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you to get back to your normal vocabulary and normal communication?

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Well, I'm not sure it's ever been fully back to

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what it was before. It would be to actually know

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that for sure. And then when I was in the

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military in combat, I had a few more traumatic brain injuries,

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which brought many of the symptoms back So it's something

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I've learned to cope with my entire life. And luckily,

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because I've done a lot of public speaking and participated

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in improv classes and Toastmasters and other things, I do

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my best to this day to overcome the challenges. But

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there's still times when they pop up, sometimes in the

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worst moments. But it's definitely, I think when you have

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a disability, especially one where you look completely fine on

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the outside, but inside you're living with it, those invisible

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disabilities sometimes make it harder to exist in the world

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around us.

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Yeah, and kudos to you.

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First of all, I want to thank you for your

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service because we do not recognize our heroes and sheroes

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enough for.

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All those sacrifices. And thank you.

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Just a heartfelt thank you for your services, John. And

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I could not have said anything otherwise. And as you said,

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you know, it can leave a mark within. And we

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started out today with a small crisis, just trying to

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figure things out.

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And this is such a such a big crisis.

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In your life, and you mentioned that you're working through it,

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and you have built meaning and worth around it. So

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tell us that as you grew, did you naturally gravitate

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towards the military, or how did your career unfold?

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Divya, I had spent more than a decade trying to

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recover from that event when I was young. And I

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had learned to overcome those disabilities as best as I

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possibly could and had become a good student, a good

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athlete by the time I was in high school. But

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I want to share with you what the damage a

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negative influence can do on your life. since I shared

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a positive one. Somewhere around my junior year in high school,

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I was trying to decide my life path. And my

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life path at that time was most likely going to

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be to go to a normal university. I had gotten

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into a number of them. My entire family all attended

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the University of Michigan. So when I got a scholarship there,

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That was really the path that I had always thought

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I would go on. That said, my grandfather served in

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World War II and my father served in the Marine

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Corps as well. So the calling to serve our country

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was also something that was always a foundation in my life.

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But the moment that I think this really shifted was

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I went to my English teacher who was beloved and

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respected by our student body, uh, for some career advice.

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And I came out of this meeting, uh, 180 degrees

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different than what I expected going in. And in fact,

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she told me that, uh, I would never amount to

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anything in my life and that, uh, it was almost, uh,

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worthless for me to go to college, uh, because, uh,

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She didn't see much potential in me at all. So

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what that triggered in me. after spending so many years

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of my life trying to overcome what.

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It happened to me when I was young.

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It really caused in me this feeling that I was

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not enough and that I really needed to achieve things

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to be seen in the world. And so that kind

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of pushed me, I think, over the edge to go

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to the Naval Academy and to take that route in

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life because it really caused me to feel that I

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had to perform if I was going to be seen

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by people like her.

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Oh, for a young kid to experience, I mean, as

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it is, you had been through so much trauma in

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your life and then to experience that, And that's why

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it's so important that, you know, our teachers need to

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be careful about the mental health perspective as well.

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And that can be.

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Regardless anyone passing that judgment can break or make a

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person's life. So sorry you had to go through that.

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But it sounds like you turned it around. So tell

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us a little bit more about your career in.

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Military or naval.

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Yeah. Well, I had a, I had a fantastic, um, career.

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I did a number of tours in the military and

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was able to serve on everything from aircraft carriers, destroyers, cruisers, submarines. Um, I,

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I got to fly, I got to deploy with special

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forces units and, uh, it all culminated for me, um,

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where I had a position as the executive officer, um,

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in a detachment for the national security agency on the

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nation's counter drug, uh, inter agency task force, uh, which

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was an, a flag level, uh, joint command that I

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was part of. And as I was serving there, I

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was recruited by a number of three letter organizations, um,

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that were very much involved in counter narcotic, uh, and,

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That led me to accepting an appointment as a special

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agent for the FBI. So I got out of the

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military to accept that appointment when fate happened again. And

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literally about 72 to 96 hours prior to me going

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to Quantico, Congress was unable to pass the funding bill.

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And so my class got reshuffled. And unfortunately, it wasn't

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a short reshuffling. it was about a 40 month reshuffling. So, uh,

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imagine yourself getting out of the military thinking that you

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had a strong plan a, and I didn't have a

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plan B because I didn't think I needed one after

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going through 18 months of interviews and everything else just

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to get into the FBI. So it, it caused a rear,

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another completely different path in my life. And I ended up, uh, Luckily,

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getting hired by Booz Allen, who if people are not

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familiar with Booz Allen, they're kind of a combination at

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that point in time between a strategy company like McKinsey

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or Bain Consulting and a government provider of services such

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as SAIC. And it was actually a phenomenal landing point

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for me. And from there, I transitioned to Arthur Andersen.

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and then eventually into Fortune 500 companies such as Lowe's

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and Dell, and then eventually becoming a private equity partner

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and before launching what I'm doing now.

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So, John, you've had a very, very impressive career. What

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would you say were some of the common lessons that

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you learned from military and then experiencing the setback and

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then going into the fortune 50 leadership and fortune 500

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leaderships that you can share with our audience because life happens.

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And so many times.

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Especially in today's era, like so many people are getting

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laid off and with AI and there's so much uncertainty

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all around that. What are some of the lessons that

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you could share and would tell people about not to

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lose their individuality and hold themselves together while thriving.

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Coming out of the military, and especially my time at

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the Naval Academy, when I think back upon going there,

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I really think more than anything else that you learn there,

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it's really one of the finest leadership academies that you

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can go to in the world. I mean, we all

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come out with a bachelor's of science in engineering with

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a separate degree on top of it. But more so,

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I think they really teach you servant leadership. And so

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I went into the workforce after I got out of

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the military, really using service servant leadership as the primary

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way I led until I experienced, um, an event when

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I joined Lowe's that completely transformed how I think about

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leadership and what I think is necessary in today's world.

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I was hired at Lowe's because in 2003, 2004, Lowe's

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suffered the worst hacking incident in retail history up until

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that point. In fact, the people who orchestrated this hacking

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incident were actually sentenced to jail. One of them got

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about a decade in prison. Another one got a little

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bit over two years. And I thought that would be

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the biggest thing that I had to deal with as

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I came into Lowe's. But very early into my tenure,

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like a week or two into it, can't believe they

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didn't tell me this before I was hired. I had

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a one-on-one with the chief human resources officer who was

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fairly new herself and told me, that she had just

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put forth the first employee engagement survey in Lowe's history.

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And out of 350,000 team members, I had inherited the

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group that scored the lowest in the entire company.

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Oh.

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And as I accepted this group, what I discovered was

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as I talked to my peer group, and many of

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the executives whose functions we supported, I had very consistent feedback.

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You need to hire a new boss of people. Your

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group is completely broken. They don't care. They're not interested.

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They're not invested. They're checked out. All those different things.

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But then I did.

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The thing that I think is so important. I went

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out and I talked to as many of the employees

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in the organization as I possibly could, which running a

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24 by seven operation in many different locations meant that

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I would meet with people at two o'clock in the morning.

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I would go to the data centers. I would go

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to the distribution centers. I w I was trying to

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get a feel for collectively what was happening. And what

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I learned was that although we had given people in

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the organization a seat at the table, we hadn't really

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given them a voice at the table. And more so

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than that, they didn't realize in clear terms how the

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roles that they were performing impacted the greater strategy, customer satisfaction,

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shareholder value, of Lowe's in general. And then on top

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of that, no one had really taken the time to

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learn about them and to understand them from a personal

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level outside of their work role. Like what was happening

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personally in their life? What were their aspirations? What were

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some of the things that were happening to them in

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their family situation? Maybe they had a sick parent that

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they were taking care of or were a coach outside

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of Lowe's hours, or maybe they had a passion like

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playing music. And so what I found fundamentally is that

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we had a mattering crisis going on in the group

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and that in order to solve this, I had to

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nurture the very, the very, environment that they were existing in,

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which really shifted my mentality that being a servant leader

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wasn't going to be enough. I needed to become a

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gardener leader where I could create the nutrients for them

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to feel significant, but also to not only have a

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seat at the table but to actually have a voice

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that influenced the direction around them.

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Oh that's powerful and as you continue to nurture them

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and provide what they needed where they felt seen and

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valued What was the change that resulted?

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Well, I will never forget some of the conversations and

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the resulting behavior change that I saw. I remember sitting

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down with very experienced managers, managers and directors who had

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at that point decades under their belt. And I remember

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sitting in in our operations command center, uh, one evening,

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it was probably 11 or 12 o'clock at night. And

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I was having a one-on-one with, uh, one of the

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command center managers. And, and he, he was saying to me, John, um,

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what exactly do you, do you need me to do, um,

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to get this group to perform better? And I said

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to him, I can't be here at 24 by seven.

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So I.

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What I can do for you is I can make

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it very clear what we're trying to achieve. I can

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give you tools to help bolster your leadership. But I

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need to be hands-off, very similar to a gardener raising crops,

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that if I give you the conditions to thrive, you're

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going to have to be the on-scene leader who understands

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what's happening in their group and is fortifying the people

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underneath you. And he looked at me and he said,

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in over 25 years, no one has given me the

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ability to use my leadership acumen the way that I

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think situationally should fit to lead a group. And I

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couldn't believe it. And what I learned from that is

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that you have to inherently trust the people who are

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working for you. If, if, if you want things to

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turn around. And when employees started to see him leading

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and that he had the ability to change directions, that

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he had autonomy and that the leadership above him believed

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in him, it carried forth to his employees. And I

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used him as an example to the rest of the

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organization of what I was looking for in leadership. And

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so I then invited him to get in front of

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the group with me to talk about the changes he

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was making, how it was impacting his organization. And it

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then gave permission for the other leaders to do the

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same because they saw that even if he made mistakes,

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we weren't, we weren't, you know, we would treat those

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as learning experiences rather than, you know, looking at them

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as disaster or broken or things like that. So coming

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out of this, it really allowed the entire organization to

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have faith that the leadership was going to listen to them,

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listen to their concerns, and let them have autonomy in

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many ways over the choices that they were making. And

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long story short, two years later, when the same employee

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engagement survey was done, the group scored second-highest So a

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massive turnaround.

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00:23:33.880 --> 00:23:35.880
Yeah, no, that's so powerful.

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And what I'm hearing is that when people are given

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ownership along with autonomy to make decisions and move forward,

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people step in and people step up and you see

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the change. So as we are talking about this, you know,

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00:23:55.910 --> 00:24:00.549
you talk about The great erasure effect. Can you expand

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00:24:00.630 --> 00:24:01.049
on that?

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00:24:03.430 --> 00:24:03.630
Yeah.

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00:24:04.609 --> 00:24:09.589
Henry David Thoreau wrote two centuries ago that the massive men,

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massive people lead lives of quiet desperation. And he was

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describing a world where we could see the world around us.

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This was in the 1800s. It was right at the

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beginning of the Industrial Revolution. And I think our challenge today,

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and you set it up well in your introduction, is

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that the walls around us have become harder to see.

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We're more digitally connected than we've ever been, yet more

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and more people are increasingly uncertain about where they belong,

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what gives their life meaning, and whether their presence actually

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makes a difference. And this is what I call quiet disorientation.

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Because what's happening is we're living in environments today that

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value what we produce, but they're not valuing the person

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00:25:02.039 --> 00:25:05.460
underneath them. And this has led me to the idea

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of we're living in a mattering market, meaning the systems

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00:25:10.049 --> 00:25:14.009
and institutions of modern life have become very good at

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measuring what we produce, but are far less good at

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recognizing who we are. And when that happens to people

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around the world, what it's causing is more and more

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people to forget who they are underneath that performance, which

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00:25:34.140 --> 00:25:38.460
is causing so many people to experience this feeling that

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they feel invisible. And that is what leads to the

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great erasure, which I feel is happening to hundreds of

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millions of people globally.

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00:25:49.009 --> 00:25:51.430
Yeah, no, very well said.

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00:25:52.180 --> 00:25:55.559
John, you're absolutely on the mark with the fact that

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what happens is we are so focused on performance, performance, performance,

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and the output that the person behind it is lost.

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And especially as people are laid off, their identity is

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00:26:09.289 --> 00:26:13.109
so attached with the jobs that they're doing. And even

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00:26:13.130 --> 00:26:15.910
while they're in that job, like, oh, if I don't

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00:26:15.970 --> 00:26:20.109
perform well, then where am I at?

367
00:26:20.730 --> 00:26:20.990
Well.

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Where do I belong? And what level am I at? Like,

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00:26:24.509 --> 00:26:29.910
you know, so that identity tie-in is so devastating or

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alarming because it causes attacks. And you talk about the

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00:26:33.329 --> 00:26:39.339
mattering tax. Tell us about the hidden costs that it

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brings along with it.

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Yeah.

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One of the greatest impacts it brings is something that

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00:26:49.779 --> 00:26:53.220
I call the slow fade. because this is what it

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00:26:53.259 --> 00:26:56.589
felt like, what happened in me. And this slow fade

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00:26:56.650 --> 00:27:02.490
is really this phenomenon that happens when repeated experience of

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00:27:02.549 --> 00:27:10.349
being unseen, unheard, or unvalued make you slowly withdraw from

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00:27:10.390 --> 00:27:14.720
your own life. You still function, you still succeed, but

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00:27:14.799 --> 00:27:20.490
less and less of you is actually present. And what

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I learned from going through this is that that achievement

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00:27:26.289 --> 00:27:33.420
that caused me to strive for success ultimately was measuring

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00:27:33.460 --> 00:27:38.359
my output. But when you think about mattering, mattering is

384
00:27:38.380 --> 00:27:40.400
the felt sense that your life has value and that

385
00:27:40.420 --> 00:27:44.019
your presence and actions make a difference. But when that

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00:27:44.079 --> 00:27:50.430
slow fade is happening, eventually it feels like you're wearing

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00:27:50.470 --> 00:27:54.380
a pair of glasses that over time is starting to

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00:27:54.420 --> 00:27:59.319
get smudges on them. But you, as you're living through this,

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00:27:59.960 --> 00:28:03.680
you realize you don't feel as fulfilled as you did

390
00:28:03.740 --> 00:28:07.500
the day before. You don't feel as alive, but you

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00:28:07.539 --> 00:28:09.740
kind of can't put your finger on it because the

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00:28:09.779 --> 00:28:14.380
changes are happening so gradually. And yet you don't have

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a piece of fabric that you can use to to

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00:28:19.049 --> 00:28:22.890
remove the blemishes from the glasses. So it gets blurrier

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and blurrier and blurrier until you can't see out of

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Why Success Still Feels Empty

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