Feb. 5, 2025

Dealing with a Toxic Boss? Here’s What You Need to Know! 🚨

Dealing with a Toxic Boss? Here’s What You Need to Know! 🚨

Toxic leaders don’t just make work miserable—they sabotage teams and drain well-being. But you can spot the signs before they derail your career.

In this Beyond Confidence episode, Divya Parekh and Rob Kalwarowsky, a top expert on toxic leadership,...

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Toxic leaders don’t just make work miserable—they sabotage teams and drain well-being. But you can spot the signs before they derail your career.

In this Beyond Confidence episode, Divya Parekh and Rob Kalwarowsky, a top expert on toxic leadership, reveal the real cost of bad bosses and how to break the cycle.

🎧 Learn the #1 mindset shift to build a thriving, high-performing team. Tune in now and take back your power!

Beyond Confidence is broadcast live Tuesdays at 10AM ET on W4WN Radio - Women 4 Women Network (www.w4wn.com) part of Talk 4 Radio (www.talk4radio.com) on the Talk 4 Media Network (www.talk4media.com). Beyond Confidence TV Show is viewed on Talk 4 TV (www.talk4tv.com).

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WEBVTT

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The topics and opinions expressed on the following show are

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solely those of the hosts and their guests and not

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those of W four WN Radio. It's employees are affiliates.

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We make no recommendations or endorsement for radio show programs, services,

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explicit or implied shall be extended to W four WN Radio.

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Its employees are affiliates. Any questions or common should be

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directed to those show hosts. Thank you for choosing W

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four WN Radio.

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This is Beyond Confidence with your host d W. Park.

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Do you want to live a more fulfilling life? Do

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you want to live your legacy and achieve your personal, professional,

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and financial goals? Well? Coming up on voparks Beyond Confidence,

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you will hear real stories of leaders, entrepreneurs, and achievers

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who have stepped into discomfort, shattered their status quo, and

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are living the life they want. You will learn how

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relationships are the key to achieving your aspirations and financial goals.

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Moving your career business forward does not have to happen

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at the expense of your personal or family life, or

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vice versa. Learn more at www dot divpork dot com

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and you can connect with dvant contact dant divpark dot com.

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This is beyond confidence and now here's your host, V Park.

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Good morning listeners. It's Tuesday morning and it's so fantastic

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to be here with you as always, and today we

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have a really interesting topic which you know a lot

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of people kind of leave their jobs because of it.

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And before we get to our guest, I just want

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to share with you a beautiful kind of story. So

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one of my neighbors, and this is of course he

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didn't share with me. I just kind of observed him.

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He was walking his dog and then he saw one

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of the other neighbors struggling with I think. So he

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was trying to remove a rock from his garden and

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just kind of taking that shovel and edding it in.

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And this gentleman, Hells is the talks like all right,

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stay put and walking behind them, went up to the

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neighbor helped him move that drug out of the way.

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So what I want to share with you is that

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when we come together a little act of kindness can

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help someone because together we are stronger. So go ahead,

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take that time and be sure to set a few

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moments here and there throughout the month and do a

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kindness act because it's more for you than for anybody else.

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And thank you everyone for getting a book. Who if

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you have got our books, we really really appreciate it.

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And if you have not, please do get our books

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because just yesterday I got an email from one of

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the readers and they shed that the book had changed

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their life. So and also part the proceeds go to

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key what our orgs together to be a changing lights.

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And let's welcome our guest.

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Hi, Davieah, how are you good?

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How are you welcome?

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Rob? Thank you so much for having me. And it's

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obviously you're doing incredible work and helping your neighbors out

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is always such a strong and fulfilling experience.

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I'm just reporting on that I didn't help move the rock,

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but but the goal is that we help move the

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needle for other people and it's so important. So Rob,

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share with us. You know, I love the background, like

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you know you're in coastery Gun and that's so fantastic.

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Share it with us. As to if you remember a

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moment or a person that left a positive mark on

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you in your young life.

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Yeah, so that's a great question I actually had. I

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used to play water polo, and I have a water

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polo coach from when I was twelve to eighteen, and

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he was amazing. Actually one of the most the biggest

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lessons he actually taught me. One was, of course, working

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hard and doing the work, but the other thing was

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I remember when I was about twelve years old and

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we were out of practice and I just didn't have energy.

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And I remember being frustrated at myself. And I know

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a lot of the listeners, especially if you demand a

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lot from yourself, like many of my clients do, it's

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very frustrating and you're like, why can't I deliver? Yeah,

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and he was he was telling me. He's like, you

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have times where you have energy and times where you don't,

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and it's a natural cycles to go through, and so

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you have to take into account that as you're progressing.

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And I think it's a lesson that in business, especially,

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a lot of executives think that they should be going

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one hundred percent all the time, and it's just not

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it's not reality, nor is it biologically true.

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Yeah, the brain works at its own pace, and the

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more you push it, the more it's going to this

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away you. So definitely, so tell us a bit about

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your journey from playing water polo and learning that beautiful

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lesson to where you are right now.

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Yeah, so it's been a fun ride. So so I

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played water polo, I went to my tea and got

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a mechanical engineering degree, and I started working in mining,

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so in coal mining out in British Columbia, and that's

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when I encountered my first toxic boss. And it started

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really chipping away at the confidence. At MIT, they're telling you, hey,

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you're a world leader, like you're going to be a leader,

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You're you're, you know, going to change the world, You're

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going to do these things. And you come out and

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you're like, let's go. And it wasn't. I wasn't performing

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at work like I spent the first year there, I

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saved them tens of millions. I was like, okay, here

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we go. And it started off as these passive, aggressive

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comments to you know, just like basically complete denial of me,

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and that started leading into depression.

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I'm sorry you had to go through.

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That, thank you. And actually it's something that like we'll

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talk more about it, but but toxic managers increase the

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risk of depression by three percent in their workplace. Yeah,

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and there's a study out of Stanford that talks about

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how the ways company managed their people is worth one

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hundred twenty thousand deaths per year in the United States alone,

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which makes it the fifth leading cause of death.

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Ah.

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So yeah, it's it's out of control. And like I'm

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sure you've you've heard the statistics like seventy percent of

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people would quit their job based on a batter, fifty

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percent actually have and then using the research that I use,

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sixty five point one percent of people have a destructive

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leader is what the research calls it to dict.

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Yeah, I mean these are sad statistics and it's it

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is really sad. So as you mentioned, you know your

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personal like you got impacted personally, how did you come

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out of it?

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Yeah, it took a lot, right, and so it kept

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chipping away and I really got into my own mind

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and ultimately led to a suicide attempt in twenty thirteen.

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Oh I'm so sorry.

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I'm actually grateful that for that experience today because it's

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put me on the path that I am now right

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and the thing deva I don't want to hold us

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in that space. But the part that's really I think

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the saddest part is the next morning, I went got

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dressed and I went to work, and I knew consciously

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that my boss and my life was killing me. But

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I didn't have the power to choose to do anything

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else because my mind was so trapped. And it took

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me a while to sort of overcome that and then

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to choose, Hey, I need to make a change. Yeah,

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And it was in late twenty nineteen where I started

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working very intensely and deeply on myself, obviously with help

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of coaches and therapists and all these things, right, And

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that was the unlock, and exactly what you talk about

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at the beginning of your show happened. In five years.

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I went from the preston suicidal as an engineer to

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an executive coach, an author, a tedex speaker. Right now,

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my TEDx talk has like roughly two hundred and thirty

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forty thousand views. My book's going to be coming out

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later this year. And I live in the beautiful sunny

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Costa Rica instead of Northern Canada. And the biggest change

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is what's going on in my psychology.

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Now. Congratulations, and I appreciate you sharing that. You know,

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we don't want to be in that space and at

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the same token, it's important to acknowledge it because in

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our society, the expectation is got to be strong. You've

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got to be that strong of a leader. The key

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is that, yes, you've got to be strong, but it's

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also important to recognize that you've got to be strong

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to recognize where you are at. Yes, you've got to

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be strong. You've got to be courageous to recognize where

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you are at. Be compassionate towards yourself, and give yourself

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permission that it's okay to feel that way, but not

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stay there, find help like you did, and move beyond it.

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So let's kind of come to the elephant in the room.

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You mentioned about sixty five plus some change. I mean,

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that's a huge number. So can you share as to

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how many different types of toxic leaders are there?

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Yes, so there's six types of toxic leaders. And so

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when we think about toxic leaders often we think about,

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you know, someone who's aggressive, they're yelling at their people,

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you know that kind of thing, right, Like that's the

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classic a whole boss. And when I when I talk

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about it, I like just think about like Gordon Ramsey

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on Hell's Kitchen and someone gives them like undercooked chicken.

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Right.

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That that's the classic, but it's actually not that common.

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So only five point five percent of folks have a

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boss like that. What's more common is a boss that's

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called an abusive narcissist. And so these are people who,

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again they make threats, they cut you down, they abuse you,

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and it's all about them. And a like a classic

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movie portrayal of this is Leonardo DiCaprio's role in Wolf

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of Wall Street. So like, you're right, so it's all

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about me. I'm putting you down, but I'm taking all

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the credit and like that's how I get ahead. And

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actually almost twenty percent of folks have a boss like that.

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Wow. Yeah, And how can they recognize because so many

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times what happens is that it's a different matter if

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you have a coach. So for example, when people come

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to me, then I will help them differentiate where they're

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at fault, where they're not what their boss is saying

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and taking. And sometimes the feedback is true. So we

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cannot just kind of say that, you know, every boss

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is bad because the destructive boss is out there. So

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tell us a little bit about how can people recognize?

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Yes, So if you get feedback. Right, if the person's

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yelling at you and swearing at you and calling you

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all these names, it's probably inappropriate.

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And that's very obvious.

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Like regardless if you didn't do a great job, it's

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still inappropriate. Right. Of course, the other side of it, right,

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is exactly what you're mentioning, right, is feedback is appropriate

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for the office, right And as a manager, as a leader,

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you have to give your folks feedback. When I talk

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about people giving feedback, it has to be structured, it

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has to be about the process, not the person, and

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it has to be sort of future centric. So hey,

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next time, I would like you to do this, or

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what was the decision that you made that led you

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to doing it this way? Next time, let's tweak that

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and do it this way. Right. So it's a little

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bit different in a sense. But if someone's just giving

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you feedback like rob your bad guy, or like that

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work sucked, like, that's not very helpful.

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Absolutely, those are great points. And you did mention that

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six different types of leaders, So if you're good with it,

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you know, kind of share with this in brief what

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do they look like and how can professional so like leaders?

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I mean, it doesn't matter. You know, I've worked with

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C suite exec teams and then they say, like their

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CEO is a narcissist or toxic, and it doesn't matter

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nowadays in the genders, it's no longer that women are

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nurturing all the time. It's just leaders. It's a gender irrelevant.

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So give us a little insight in that, like, because

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so many times what happens is that leaders or professionals

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thing that something is wrong with them because we, like

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you said, we tend to be hot on ourselves.

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That's the biggest part actually, right. So, and the studies

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show actually that narcisism helps you climb the ladder in

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the organization. Still, and I mean, if we look at politics,

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we can see this across the board. Right. However, when

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we're talking about ourselves. First off, folks who are narcissists

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or arrogant and violent bosses are never watching this show, right,

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So if you're watching this show, you're not one of them. Right.

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And so now it's about looking at how are we

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as a leader and what's going on upstairs in our psychology.

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And that's where the book and I talk about this

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a lot, but we start we need to start listening

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to those parts of us that are talking in our minds.

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And it's like in a movie where the devil or

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the angels on your shoulder, or folks have watched inside out.

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It's like those little characters that are standing at the

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troll panel in that little girl's mind. It's like that, right,

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And as we start listening to these parts of us

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that are saying, hey, Rob, you gotta work harder, or hey,

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you got to do more, or hey you got to

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you know people, please, like whatever those parts are saying

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to you, you got to listen, and then you need

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to choose, as the leader of yourself, what's the best

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path for you.

250
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Yeah, know, that definitely makes sense because the sabbators, there

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are so many different sabators, like you know, the judgment

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where you are judging your shelf, you're judging others, you're

253
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judging the circumstances, becoming aware. It's almost like you know,

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having your hand on the stuff top, it's important to know,

255
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like you know, it's it's what it's telling you. Is

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it providing you a signal that hey, all right, you

257
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know your hand is on stuff top, But if you

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linger around there, then that's what causes all the issues.

259
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So now let's say you somebody's like that savatory is

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telling you something, what you're doing, what you're not. So

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somebody is in that relationship with the toxic boss before

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they get to the place where, like you know, they

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could sell phone themselves, how could they recognize that toxicity

264
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and what could they do about it?

265
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Yes, this is where exactly what you're talking about via

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is important is being in tune with how you feel.

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So before you can start often before you can start listening,

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you have to feel first. And so if you notice

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that you're emotionally disconnected, which I was, right, because we're trained,

270
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a lot of us are trained in childhood that like

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suck it up, push it down, work harder better, right,

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And so now we're adults and we're not trained to feel.

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But it's if we just start and there's many apps

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to do this for free. Right, It's just like if

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we just train ourselves to maybe rate how we're feeling

276
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every day once a day, right, and we start getting

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in tune and we start noticing, Hey, when I go

278
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to work, I feel terrible When my boss says these

279
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things to me, I feel terrible. When I see him

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or her, I feel terrible. That's when we can start

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going okay, this is the common pattern, and then it's

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about choosing for yourself, right, and I can't like people

283
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often ask me, hey, Rob, what should I do if

284
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I have a bad boss? Well? Right, Often there's a

285
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lot of the nuances, which is, what's your financial situation,

286
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what's your family situation? Like, what are these things going

287
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on in your own life that either allow you to quit,

288
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allow you to internally transfer at your company, allow you

289
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to stay at your job, like whatever that is. I mean,

290
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even there are many a couple boss types at least

291
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that you can manage them. Of course, an abusive narcissist

292
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is not on that list of right, But there are

293
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a couple boss types, the messy bosses and the ghost managers,

294
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where you can manage them because they're not out to

295
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get you. They're just not super great leaders.

296
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And that definitely makes sense because so many times what

297
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happens is that individual contributors are doing great work and

298
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then they're promoted, and the companies are so fast paced,

299
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especially with changing technology, I mean every especially with AI,

300
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every day things are changing and it's as it is

301
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hard to keep up with. And then add to it,

302
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the financial rollercoasters, and with companies posting, especially if they're public,

303
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you know they're quarterly results. So their goal is like go,

304
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go go, how can we make profit? And I'm not

305
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saying this is for all companies. Some companies may be

306
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training their people to be good leaders, but what I've

307
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seen is that even after training, that full realization and

308
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in depth doesn't happen because you're just kind of consistently moving.

309
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I mean, of course there are a lot of companies

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who do that. So if you have those type of

311
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bosses who want not out to get you, and that's

312
00:20:43.240 --> 00:20:47.519
thank you for sharing that key difference, what may be

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some of the ways that employees and professionals can manage it?

314
00:20:53.359 --> 00:20:58.000
Absolutely? So I mentioned the messy boss, right, and so

315
00:20:58.160 --> 00:21:03.720
these folks I like in it to mister bean right,

316
00:21:03.880 --> 00:21:08.680
there's some lack of awareness and they kind of go

317
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through life and there's sort of chaos happening around them.

318
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They sort of create that chaos. And often you can

319
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see this at work with when a team's running, they're

320
00:21:19.680 --> 00:21:22.240
not really sure where they're going. Everyone's doing a lot

321
00:21:22.240 --> 00:21:25.119
of work, but there's no clear picture if you ask

322
00:21:25.160 --> 00:21:26.960
them like, hey, where's your team going? What are the

323
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team goals? What are your deliverables for this year? They

324
00:21:29.720 --> 00:21:34.440
don't know, and they struggle with prioritization. They're just like

325
00:21:34.839 --> 00:21:40.359
getting emails, answering things, doing work like that. Right. This

326
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is when there's a moment where you can coach your boss.

327
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They say, hey, Davia, I'd like you to do this

328
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task or this project. You can ask for information. When

329
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would you like it do? What's the priority? What resources

330
00:21:56.200 --> 00:21:58.599
do I get? These type of things like basically a

331
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project management plan. Right, that's when you can start managing

332
00:22:05.359 --> 00:22:11.000
your priorities or getting your manager who's not doing this,

333
00:22:11.200 --> 00:22:14.160
which is part of their role, that you can help

334
00:22:14.240 --> 00:22:19.359
them answer the questions that you need answered. The other

335
00:22:19.480 --> 00:22:20.440
type yes.

336
00:22:20.240 --> 00:22:23.240
Go ahead, no, no, please continue, Yeah.

337
00:22:23.359 --> 00:22:26.839
The other type is called a cowardly boss or a

338
00:22:26.839 --> 00:22:32.400
ghost manager. And for folks you can who have watched Seinfeld,

339
00:22:32.480 --> 00:22:37.079
you can think about like when George sleeps under his desk, right,

340
00:22:37.920 --> 00:22:41.599
And these are folks who don't want accountability, They don't

341
00:22:41.720 --> 00:22:44.400
want responsibility, you can see. I actually think this is

342
00:22:44.480 --> 00:22:48.519
very common right now because if they make a decision

343
00:22:48.519 --> 00:22:53.200
and it's wrong, it's you're laid off or they feel internally,

344
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I see this a lot. Sometimes with leaders that get

345
00:22:56.000 --> 00:22:59.359
promoted and they're new in a promotion, they're like, I'm

346
00:22:59.359 --> 00:23:02.839
not sure I does serve to be promoted. That's that saboteur, right,

347
00:23:04.119 --> 00:23:07.440
I'm the impostor. I'm not good enough. Look at all

348
00:23:07.440 --> 00:23:14.480
these other folks, right. That's when they don't accept responsibility

349
00:23:14.559 --> 00:23:19.039
or accountability. And that's if you have a manager that

350
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you ask them a question and they go, well, Rob,

351
00:23:21.960 --> 00:23:26.079
you know, that's that's upper management's decision. Or I read

352
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out of this one. My boss, one of my bosses,

353
00:23:28.359 --> 00:23:32.240
used to say this, but I read the Steve Jobs

354
00:23:32.279 --> 00:23:35.880
documentary or the book, and he says, hire the best

355
00:23:35.880 --> 00:23:40.880
people and let them do the work. That's when you

356
00:23:41.039 --> 00:23:45.160
have to take control. And so you need to figure

357
00:23:45.240 --> 00:23:48.440
out what is the path for you, And then you're

358
00:23:48.480 --> 00:23:54.359
asking for approval versus a plan. So it's saying, hey, Divia,

359
00:23:55.720 --> 00:23:57.880
what if I give you this work by Friday? Does

360
00:23:57.920 --> 00:24:02.480
that work for you? Right? Or can I use this

361
00:24:02.640 --> 00:24:06.599
resource in this other department? Does that work right? And

362
00:24:06.680 --> 00:24:09.079
so basically you've figured out the plan and you're just

363
00:24:09.160 --> 00:24:13.279
asking them to go, yeah, that sounds good, yep, no.

364
00:24:13.400 --> 00:24:17.440
And that's very powerful because and thank you for like

365
00:24:17.519 --> 00:24:23.519
you know, differentiating between different types of bosses, because that's

366
00:24:23.559 --> 00:24:28.160
where that differentiature kind of pops up. That they're not

367
00:24:28.359 --> 00:24:32.920
intentionally toxic. They are just chaotic and as a result

368
00:24:33.000 --> 00:24:37.240
of the chaos, there is confusion and frustration. So that

369
00:24:37.400 --> 00:24:41.200
frustration is a whole lot different than somebody who's passive aggressive,

370
00:24:41.279 --> 00:24:42.359
like you had.

371
00:24:43.279 --> 00:24:47.440
Absolutely yes, yes, And so those folks would benefit a

372
00:24:47.480 --> 00:24:53.200
lot from management training and also some like for some

373
00:24:53.359 --> 00:24:56.640
of them, some work on their mindset, right, And you

374
00:24:56.759 --> 00:25:01.119
mentioned about companies training their leaders, and Business Review has

375
00:25:01.160 --> 00:25:05.240
a study out and they say that companies spend three

376
00:25:05.359 --> 00:25:08.079
hundred and fifty six billion dollars per year own leadership

377
00:25:08.079 --> 00:25:12.079
training and only twenty five percent of it works because

378
00:25:12.240 --> 00:25:16.519
it addresses the leader's mindsets. And you know this because

379
00:25:16.559 --> 00:25:19.279
you work on this with your clients. Right, is if

380
00:25:19.279 --> 00:25:23.720
we have saboteurs, it doesn't matter that you were told

381
00:25:23.759 --> 00:25:26.720
in a training that you need to give feedback in

382
00:25:26.759 --> 00:25:29.240
this way, or you need to make decisions in this way,

383
00:25:29.599 --> 00:25:33.599
or you've got to use the Eisenhower matrix, right, because

384
00:25:34.000 --> 00:25:38.480
your brain is going to override that. And that's why

385
00:25:38.519 --> 00:25:42.119
the deeper mindset work is so important, is so then

386
00:25:42.119 --> 00:25:46.519
you can actually action those things that you've learned.

387
00:25:46.880 --> 00:25:52.319
Yeah, and that's a very relevant point. Job. So we've

388
00:25:52.400 --> 00:25:55.839
kind of like talked about that. Okay, if your boss

389
00:25:55.920 --> 00:26:01.119
is X, Y and Z, then what you can do Now,

390
00:26:01.240 --> 00:26:04.559
let's say it's possible. So many times what happens is

391
00:26:05.400 --> 00:26:09.200
that a lot of people are thinking, oh, this person

392
00:26:09.319 --> 00:26:12.240
is like that, and when we talk about that, judge

393
00:26:12.240 --> 00:26:18.920
Savatur judging everyone, and how can they take that moment

394
00:26:20.400 --> 00:26:27.599
and see and check that are they not only experiencing

395
00:26:27.640 --> 00:26:35.480
in their mind but also exhibiting those questionable boss behaviors.

396
00:26:35.880 --> 00:26:41.880
Absolutely. This is where a three sixty review is always helpful,

397
00:26:42.839 --> 00:26:48.680
because you can't look at yourself, right. The other side

398
00:26:48.680 --> 00:26:52.599
of this is getting very trusted people both at the

399
00:26:52.680 --> 00:26:58.079
office but as mentors, as coaches, as executive sponsors, these

400
00:26:58.119 --> 00:27:03.559
type of things. Because as a leader, right, there's a

401
00:27:03.640 --> 00:27:06.000
lot of things that you need to do, whether that's

402
00:27:06.039 --> 00:27:10.920
public speaking, whether that's you know, inspiring your people, whether

403
00:27:10.960 --> 00:27:13.759
it's giving feedback. All these things that you need to

404
00:27:13.759 --> 00:27:16.880
do are very outward facing, right. I mean, of course

405
00:27:16.880 --> 00:27:19.839
there's a lot of inner work and planning and all

406
00:27:19.839 --> 00:27:23.599
these things. A lot of it's out outward facing, and

407
00:27:23.680 --> 00:27:26.400
it's impossible for you to know how it lands with

408
00:27:26.440 --> 00:27:31.680
other folks unless you get their feedback. And so the

409
00:27:31.720 --> 00:27:34.960
big the big piece. Right, there's a few things. One

410
00:27:35.000 --> 00:27:39.039
is you must be building trust at all times. Right.

411
00:27:39.759 --> 00:27:42.680
This is you need to act in accordance to what

412
00:27:42.720 --> 00:27:46.839
you talk about. So if you say, hey, I'm going

413
00:27:46.880 --> 00:27:49.640
to send you this email by you know, tomorrow afternoon,

414
00:27:49.960 --> 00:27:53.640
it better hit that email, right. Like if you're gonna,

415
00:27:53.960 --> 00:27:55.680
like say, you're going to go to a meeting, you

416
00:27:55.759 --> 00:27:58.880
have to go to that meeting. Right. These are things

417
00:27:58.920 --> 00:28:02.079
that are the small, like trust is built. I love

418
00:28:02.119 --> 00:28:08.000
this Dutch proverb. It's a trust is built by foot

419
00:28:08.640 --> 00:28:10.000
and it leaves on horseback.

420
00:28:10.799 --> 00:28:16.279
Hmmm, yeah, very powerful. And I like what you said

421
00:28:16.839 --> 00:28:21.240
because I'm personally a fan of three sixty reviews because

422
00:28:21.400 --> 00:28:26.599
you are getting perspectives of different people and usually, like

423
00:28:26.640 --> 00:28:31.160
when I'm working with someone any like sometimes you know,

424
00:28:31.200 --> 00:28:36.200
there are internal clients where what happens is that they're

425
00:28:36.240 --> 00:28:38.759
put on the tay you got to take the coaching,

426
00:28:38.839 --> 00:28:41.880
and they may be resistant and they have done their

427
00:28:41.920 --> 00:28:45.440
three sixty review just within the group. And it's important

428
00:28:45.440 --> 00:28:49.400
to expand it out to different cross functional groups as well,

429
00:28:49.440 --> 00:28:52.960
and cross functional teams because as you said that, it's

430
00:28:53.000 --> 00:28:56.720
about building the trust and getting the general pulse of

431
00:28:56.799 --> 00:29:01.960
where a person stands. So that trust is such an

432
00:29:02.000 --> 00:29:06.920
important piece because it's not just showing up for others

433
00:29:06.960 --> 00:29:10.119
and showing up for yourself when it's needed or when

434
00:29:10.119 --> 00:29:15.680
the fire is bawning. What I'm hearing is that take

435
00:29:15.720 --> 00:29:19.279
the well way before. I mean, they're no more wells,

436
00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:26.279
but putting that currency of trust and depositing it in

437
00:29:26.319 --> 00:29:30.119
the bank consistently. So what are some of the other

438
00:29:30.200 --> 00:29:33.839
ways that people can so Like, Okay, so now they've

439
00:29:33.880 --> 00:29:36.880
had the three six year review and they find that

440
00:29:37.480 --> 00:29:39.680
a lot of problems that they're having is with them,

441
00:29:39.880 --> 00:29:43.799
not with others. How can they first of all be

442
00:29:43.880 --> 00:29:49.039
compassionate about it and from there, rather than beating themselves up,

443
00:29:49.839 --> 00:29:53.960
come to terms with it and work on it and

444
00:29:54.000 --> 00:29:54.720
move beyond it.

445
00:29:55.720 --> 00:30:02.759
Absolutely, we all have bad moments where we can have

446
00:30:02.839 --> 00:30:07.039
bad behavior. This is just fact. Like I've I've had

447
00:30:07.119 --> 00:30:10.599
moments where I've yelled at somebody. It's not good. I'm

448
00:30:10.599 --> 00:30:13.799
not proud of it. But the first thing, right is

449
00:30:13.880 --> 00:30:18.279
acknowledging that it's a behavior that we can change. M

450
00:30:19.240 --> 00:30:22.079
And so like, if you're listening to this show. You

451
00:30:22.119 --> 00:30:24.720
want to get better. I know that otherwise you wouldn't

452
00:30:24.759 --> 00:30:25.759
listen to this show.

453
00:30:27.400 --> 00:30:29.720
So I didn't want to work on themselves, it wouldn't

454
00:30:29.720 --> 00:30:30.079
be here.

455
00:30:30.720 --> 00:30:34.079
Yeah, And so that's I mean, that's the first step,

456
00:30:34.079 --> 00:30:37.119
which is a great sign. Right. And so now it's

457
00:30:37.319 --> 00:30:40.079
given that it's a behavior and not who you are

458
00:30:41.160 --> 00:30:45.720
you can change. And so this is where the mindset

459
00:30:45.759 --> 00:30:50.799
work starts, right, And this is where we all have

460
00:30:51.240 --> 00:30:54.440
exactly what you mentioned, these saboteurs or these parts of

461
00:30:54.559 --> 00:30:59.920
us that were created, most likely in childhood for specific

462
00:31:00.079 --> 00:31:02.920
purposes to keep us safe and alive in the world.

463
00:31:04.039 --> 00:31:08.519
And most folks are running these these saboteurs or these

464
00:31:08.559 --> 00:31:15.079
parts of us are running their show, and it's starting

465
00:31:15.119 --> 00:31:19.079
to work with them, right, And in general, I would

466
00:31:19.119 --> 00:31:21.400
recommend hiring a coach. I can help you with this.

467
00:31:21.880 --> 00:31:23.920
If you can help you with this, you can go

468
00:31:24.000 --> 00:31:26.480
to therapy as well. They can help you with this.

469
00:31:27.079 --> 00:31:30.319
But it's starting to get into your own mindset and

470
00:31:30.599 --> 00:31:39.039
unlock these stories, right, Because what makes us exhibit bad

471
00:31:39.079 --> 00:31:43.880
boss behavior, whether that's we're unwilling to take accountability or

472
00:31:43.920 --> 00:31:48.480
responsibility for decision, or we're yelling at somebody in a

473
00:31:48.559 --> 00:31:50.839
meeting because we're under a lot of stress and we

474
00:31:50.920 --> 00:31:53.759
need something to be perfect and maybe you know, it

475
00:31:53.799 --> 00:31:56.839
didn't go to the customer and the way we wanted like,

476
00:31:57.119 --> 00:31:59.640
and we put so much pressure on ourselves that it

477
00:31:59.839 --> 00:32:05.880
just like, oh, HiT's Yeah, they're both, you know, opposite

478
00:32:05.960 --> 00:32:09.240
ends of the spectrum. But ultimately, it's what's going on

479
00:32:09.319 --> 00:32:13.279
in our in our psychology is what triggers those events.

480
00:32:13.839 --> 00:32:17.759
And if we can work with our our own parts,

481
00:32:18.680 --> 00:32:22.599
that's when we can experience freedom and fulfillment and joy

482
00:32:22.799 --> 00:32:28.519
and have these incredible experiences where we set our own

483
00:32:28.640 --> 00:32:31.400
selves free from the bad bosses in our own mind.

484
00:32:32.319 --> 00:32:40.200
HM. That's very powerful because and insightful because what you're

485
00:32:40.200 --> 00:32:44.000
saying is that there could be those traps that were

486
00:32:44.039 --> 00:32:47.119
set when you were a child, because as a child,

487
00:32:47.160 --> 00:32:50.079
you're looking for approval from your parents, from your teachers,

488
00:32:50.839 --> 00:32:53.039
and as a matter of fact, I don't remember the

489
00:32:53.160 --> 00:32:56.799
name of the study or somewhere I read that a

490
00:32:56.799 --> 00:32:59.440
lot of these thinking patterns are established by the time

491
00:32:59.480 --> 00:33:02.440
you are five to seven years old. It could be

492
00:33:02.559 --> 00:33:09.079
our friends or aunties, uncles or anyone, because it's such

493
00:33:09.079 --> 00:33:12.720
a tender age that they're learning from adults. Not only

494
00:33:12.759 --> 00:33:16.640
they could be picking up habits or patents from their

495
00:33:17.799 --> 00:33:24.160
role models because for them, their parents are whoever surrounding

496
00:33:24.200 --> 00:33:27.680
them is what they're imitating and learning from it. So

497
00:33:27.839 --> 00:33:33.640
you're absolutely right and setting yourself free. Sur Rob share

498
00:33:33.720 --> 00:33:41.880
with us that that journey from knowing yeah, I got

499
00:33:41.920 --> 00:33:48.880
to work on myself and to the journey of freedom.

500
00:33:49.079 --> 00:33:51.240
Are there any few steps that you could share?

501
00:33:51.759 --> 00:33:57.119
M The first thing is exactly right. Most of these

502
00:33:57.200 --> 00:34:01.440
parts were created when we were children and we were

503
00:34:01.559 --> 00:34:08.039
looking through the world through children's eyes and perspectives. So

504
00:34:09.079 --> 00:34:14.199
it's not even that our parents did anything wrong or

505
00:34:14.239 --> 00:34:19.159
someone said something that they shouldn't or anything like that, right, Like,

506
00:34:19.239 --> 00:34:24.239
I like, let's take an example here, You're five years

507
00:34:24.239 --> 00:34:28.840
old and your older brother or sister comes home from

508
00:34:28.920 --> 00:34:31.480
school and they got an A on their math test

509
00:34:31.920 --> 00:34:34.400
and they say to your mom, I got an A

510
00:34:34.480 --> 00:34:38.360
in my math test, and your mom goes, wow, I'm

511
00:34:38.400 --> 00:34:40.159
so proud of you. I love you, and you're just

512
00:34:40.199 --> 00:34:42.079
sitting there, like you're sitting on the ground playing with

513
00:34:42.119 --> 00:34:44.960
your toys, and you're watching this and then whoop. In

514
00:34:45.039 --> 00:34:47.960
your mind, there's a belief created if I do well

515
00:34:49.079 --> 00:34:53.920
at school, my mom will love me. Yeah, and now

516
00:34:53.920 --> 00:34:58.519
we're forty five and we're managing a company of five

517
00:34:58.639 --> 00:35:03.119
hundred people, and we still have this saboteur that's like, hey, Rob,

518
00:35:03.840 --> 00:35:06.800
you don't do well, your mom won't love you. And

519
00:35:06.840 --> 00:35:09.400
then one of our people sends the wrong proposal to

520
00:35:09.400 --> 00:35:15.360
the client and boom, Yeah, that's literally what's happening. And

521
00:35:15.440 --> 00:35:19.760
so the first step is, as you start to get

522
00:35:19.800 --> 00:35:23.760
in tune with these parts of us that are telling

523
00:35:23.840 --> 00:35:28.880
us these stories, is picture them as children and give

524
00:35:28.920 --> 00:35:33.880
them the love and the compassion you would like if

525
00:35:33.920 --> 00:35:36.840
you have your own child who's five years old, and

526
00:35:36.880 --> 00:35:40.679
maybe they're saying something that doesn't make sense right, and

527
00:35:41.079 --> 00:35:43.840
maybe it was true when you were five, but it's

528
00:35:43.880 --> 00:35:47.119
not true now because you're an adult. Things are different.

529
00:35:47.239 --> 00:35:50.039
You can choose things. You know, you have perspective, you

530
00:35:50.039 --> 00:35:52.880
have knowledge, you have experienced, you have all these things.

531
00:35:53.599 --> 00:35:57.480
And so that's really the first step is giving those

532
00:35:57.559 --> 00:36:00.719
parts of ourselves whether they say you know that you're

533
00:36:00.760 --> 00:36:03.000
not good enough, you need to work harder, you need

534
00:36:03.039 --> 00:36:05.880
to you know, make people feel good like whatever those

535
00:36:05.920 --> 00:36:12.239
things are, just lean into that with curiosity, love and compassion,

536
00:36:13.840 --> 00:36:17.480
and then build the trust with them. And it takes

537
00:36:17.559 --> 00:36:21.480
time and it takes like like with my clients I

538
00:36:21.559 --> 00:36:25.159
typically work, I give them like a somewhat of a

539
00:36:25.199 --> 00:36:30.360
meditation track because I use internal family systems and it's

540
00:36:30.400 --> 00:36:33.920
six minutes a day, and so they just they do

541
00:36:34.000 --> 00:36:36.840
a little internal breathing and they just check in with

542
00:36:36.920 --> 00:36:39.920
these parts and they're just like, hey, how's it going,

543
00:36:40.079 --> 00:36:43.599
how are you doing? We're doing good. Don't worry about it.

544
00:36:43.639 --> 00:36:47.760
I got it. And then that is what makes significant

545
00:36:47.880 --> 00:36:51.320
changes in pretty short amount of time.

546
00:36:52.400 --> 00:36:57.840
Absolutely so, thank you Rob for going into details and

547
00:36:57.880 --> 00:37:01.280
sharing your wisdom nuggets. I'm sure a lot of our

548
00:37:01.280 --> 00:37:04.400
listeners may be thinking, hmm, I need to connect with Rob,

549
00:37:04.559 --> 00:37:06.719
so share with us. How can they connect with you?

550
00:37:07.679 --> 00:37:10.519
Tell us about your book and anything else you'd like

551
00:37:10.559 --> 00:37:10.960
to share.

552
00:37:12.039 --> 00:37:15.960
Absolutely so. I mean you can see at the bottom

553
00:37:16.000 --> 00:37:18.800
of the screen Robcalverisky dot com if you're listening to

554
00:37:18.840 --> 00:37:23.039
this on radio Rob and then Calverowski is ka l

555
00:37:23.360 --> 00:37:27.920
war or w sky dot com, so you can find

556
00:37:28.079 --> 00:37:31.039
all my stuff there. If you go on that website,

557
00:37:31.639 --> 00:37:34.760
you'll be able to subscribe and you get the first

558
00:37:34.800 --> 00:37:37.079
two chapters of my book for free. So it's just

559
00:37:37.119 --> 00:37:40.639
on the book. Of course, I do public speaking, I

560
00:37:40.760 --> 00:37:45.199
do executive coaching. I do group leadership development programs, so

561
00:37:45.719 --> 00:37:47.920
you can find all that stuff there. You can connect

562
00:37:47.960 --> 00:37:51.280
with me also on LinkedIn, Robcalveriski dot com or Rob

563
00:37:51.320 --> 00:37:55.639
Kalviowski on there as well, but those are the basic places.

564
00:37:56.079 --> 00:38:00.920
And yeah, if you hear this show and you're interested

565
00:38:01.119 --> 00:38:03.760
in how you start getting in tune and maybe you

566
00:38:03.760 --> 00:38:06.480
want that six minute track, just send me an email

567
00:38:07.039 --> 00:38:09.519
Rob at Robcalversky dot com and I will give you

568
00:38:09.559 --> 00:38:12.039
the track so you can start working on it for free.

569
00:38:12.840 --> 00:38:17.800
Oh fantastic, And I'm sure people can get a lot

570
00:38:17.800 --> 00:38:25.320
of nuggets, especially since you're offering the poster chapters. They

571
00:38:25.360 --> 00:38:28.400
can get a feel for it and they can look

572
00:38:28.440 --> 00:38:31.440
forward to your book and then will your book be

573
00:38:31.480 --> 00:38:32.039
coming out?

574
00:38:33.639 --> 00:38:36.960
It'll be coming out in September, so it's I mean

575
00:38:37.000 --> 00:38:41.000
it's complete right now, and so we're working on the

576
00:38:41.119 --> 00:38:44.920
launch and getting everything set. But yeah, feel free to

577
00:38:44.960 --> 00:38:47.280
go to Robcalvisky dot com. You get the first two

578
00:38:47.360 --> 00:38:49.960
chapters free, and if you want to do a book

579
00:38:50.159 --> 00:38:53.679
order for your team or for your folks at work,

580
00:38:54.039 --> 00:38:56.599
let me know because we're we can make that happen.

581
00:38:57.679 --> 00:39:02.360
Fantastic. Thank you for joining us, and I'm sure that

582
00:39:02.400 --> 00:39:05.440
your book is going to help a lot of people,

583
00:39:06.400 --> 00:39:09.840
and I'm myself going to be on the lookout for

584
00:39:09.920 --> 00:39:11.880
it because I believe that you know, we can be

585
00:39:11.960 --> 00:39:15.880
learning every single day. But thank you Rob for joining us.

586
00:39:16.800 --> 00:39:20.719
Thank you so much, Davia, Thank.

587
00:39:20.480 --> 00:39:23.159
You listeners, Thank you dear audience for being part of

588
00:39:23.199 --> 00:39:26.639
our show, because without you, the show would not be possible.

589
00:39:27.320 --> 00:39:29.639
And I love that you reach out to us. I

590
00:39:29.719 --> 00:39:32.039
love that you know, you share your kinder stories and

591
00:39:32.159 --> 00:39:35.840
tell us exactly what you want. So I want to

592
00:39:35.840 --> 00:39:37.840
thank each and every one of you who reaches out

593
00:39:37.840 --> 00:39:41.800
to me. Cannot thank you enough, and I want to

594
00:39:41.840 --> 00:39:47.199
thank one for making this show technically possible. Be well

595
00:39:47.280 --> 00:39:48.519
and take care everyone.

596
00:39:49.320 --> 00:39:51.719
Thank you for being part of Beyond Confidence. With your

597
00:39:51.719 --> 00:39:54.039
host d V Park, we hope you have learned more

598
00:39:54.079 --> 00:39:56.760
about how to start living the life you want. Each

599
00:39:56.800 --> 00:39:59.719
week on Beyond Confidence, you hear stories of real people

600
00:39:59.800 --> 00:40:04.320
who experienced growth by overcoming their fears and building meaningful relationships.

601
00:40:04.679 --> 00:40:08.079
During Beyond Confidence, Dvpark shares what happened to her when

602
00:40:08.079 --> 00:40:10.519
she stepped out of her comfort zone to work directly

603
00:40:10.559 --> 00:40:13.599
with people across the globe. She not only coaches people

604
00:40:13.639 --> 00:40:17.119
how to form hard connections, but also transform relationships to

605
00:40:17.199 --> 00:40:20.559
mutually beneficial partnerships as they strive to live the life

606
00:40:20.599 --> 00:40:23.000
they want. If you are ready to live the life

607
00:40:23.000 --> 00:40:26.719
you want and leverage your strengths, learn more at www

608
00:40:26.800 --> 00:40:30.440
dot dwpark dot com and you can connect with vat

609
00:40:30.760 --> 00:40:34.239
contact at dvpark dot com. We look forward to you

610
00:40:34.400 --> 00:40:35.480
joining us next week