Keep Your Cool: The Pause Principle for Thriving in Tough Situations

0:00 The topics and opinions expressed on the following show are solely those of the hosts and their guests, and not those of W four WN Radio It's employees or affiliates. We make no recommendations or endorsement for radio show programs, services, or products mentioned on air or on our web. No liability, explicit or implied shall be extended to W four WN Radio It's employees or affiliates. Any questions or common should be directed to those show hosts. Thank you for choosing W four WN Radio. This is Beyond Confidence with your host d V park. Do you want to live a more fulfilling life? Do you want to live your legacy and achieve your personal, professional, and financial goals? Well? Coming up on ZVA Parks Beyond Confidence, you will hear real stories of leaders, entrepreneurs, and achievers who have stepped into discomfort, shattered their status quo, and are living the life they want. You will learn how relationships are the key to achieving your aspirations and financial goals.

0:52 Moving your career business forward does not have to happen at the expense of your personal or family life or vice versa. Learn more at WWTA. You don't divpork dot com and you can connect with div ants contact aants divpark dot com. This is beyond confidence and now here's your host div Park. Good morning listeners, so thrilled to be here with you. Not sure what part of country you might be in, but we are definitely having a cold spell at least cold buyer standards. And that brings me to the thing is that it's perspective. So think about it. You wake up and you look at the temperature.

1:32 Oh it's cold. Your heater is running. How is it cold? So a lot depends on your life's perspective and super important to remember that perspective, a fresh perspective or a change in perspective is the answer to your life's growth. And I want to share a quick story by one of our our audience, Yes min so yes men send us an email about her Kindness Circle story. She said that. Her son had been misbehaving and she was very very upset at him, wanted to not allow him to go to his friends both today party and sat down with him and said all right, look this is what we can do. I can ground you.

2:37 Not let you go. That said, I do want to bring in. Kindness and would you be open to practicing kindness with me where we are kind to each other. And surprisingly, her son became very teary eyed, a growing teenager. You know how teenagers. Are just finding their footing and she reported that that just that one event, not everything has changed completely, but they're becoming more aware. So it doesn't matter where you begin either. You could begin kindness in your to yourself, to your family or anyone. Keep the kindness going and make commitment to it. And for those of you who have got our books, the entrepreneurs got in and the expert to influencer think you think you thank you because you're helping us help other entrepreneurs. And if you have not, we would appreciate you getting our books because they will change your life as well as help us help with the entrepreneurs at Keywa dot org. So let's bring in our guest. Welcome Cynthia.

3:52 Hi, how are you good? Thank you for asking how are you. I'm doing well. I'm also experiencing the call over here, which. Is I mean, yes, your area has been experiencing cold this year. A lot to tell us. Do you remember a moment or a person from your childhood or youth who. Left a positive mark on you. Yes, Well, I think one of the people who left a truly positive mark was my grandmother. I called her my mama. She really was this very strong, independent woman, and she also was so nurturing and was more of like the caretaker role as well. And she was really able, in my opinion, to really balance the two of being tough when she needed to be tough, kind when kindness was needed, and you know, nurturing at the same time.

4:58 So for me, her mark is very very clear in my life. Yeah, and that's a tough balance to achieve. So as you grew up, did you have any interest as a child and did you continue in the same direction. Yeah. I mean, I think it took me a long time to learn the balance between strength and kindness and that nurturing aspect. It took me a very long time to learn that towards myself and towards other people. And to this day it's still a practice, right, a practice of being able to see those interactions where kindness is really needed, compassion is really needed, or more direct language is really needed, right.

5:55 Yes, And that brings us to the communication piece, because as we talk about you know, you and I are talking to each other, and through all the day we are communicating to. Ourselves and we're communicating with others. And it's only blent or non stilent. So tell us the what drole communication plays, especially in the world arena. I mean, I really believe that communication is absolutely everything. It's the way that we interact with our colleagues, are you know, teams. It's the way that we interact with our computers, our phones, It's the way that we interact with you know, the coffee machine in the morning. It really is every moment we are in communication with something, whether it's someone or ourselves. And it plays a big role in the workplace because if one, if we're talking to ourselves in a way that is unhelpful, it creates it's more difficulty interacting with others and maybe moving ourselves forward in a place that we want to get to.

7:08 If we are interacting in a way where we don't feel we're aligned, that can also affect how we're working in the workplace. If we are lashing out, getting passive aggressive, all of our relationships shift because of that. And so communicating is I truly believe the key to enjoying all of where we are and what we're doing here. So can you share as to what are some of the basic pillars of communications. So I believe that communication begins in the body, and that really looks like there's a moment between the stimulus and response, and that is the discomfort that we feel within the body. And that is the most important piece, is the awareness of the discomfort in the body when we're in a difficult interaction, so that then we can express ourselves. And the elements of right speech and Buddhism is where I draw a lot of my work from. Really, they're the foundation of intentional communication, which is to tell the truth, don't gossip, use helpful language, and don't exaggerate.

8:32 And so those truly are the filters through which our interactions can happen. And through those filters then we can communicate in a kind, honest and helpful way. M So, of course those are very very powerful. And yet some people in our audience may be scratching their head and saying like, Okay, these are Boodhist principles, how do they apply to me? Whether you know you are. A corporate professional, manager, leader or teamly, it doesn't matter where. You are at. Yeah, so it's the wonderful thing is that they're more practices than anything else. And the idea is when we are in a you know, in a meeting, if we're in a difficult interaction, we learn how to be honest and helpful and kind at the same time, and that creates more trust, that creates more loyalty, it creates more connection with those that we're working with. And we also learn how to be objective and to see clearly what's happening within an interaction. And so therefore we have a sense of clarity when we're making decisions and we're not as attached to the emotion in the moment. And we also get this sense of really being present in our interactions because we can get really distracted very easily thinking of, you know, what needs to come next, what we haven't done, what we need to be doing, trying really to get straight to the bottom line of what we're dealing with.

10:05 And when we start to become more present in an interaction, we begin to listen more, we begin to see the other person as someone we want to be supportive of and helpful towards, and you know, to really keep the integrity of the conversation intact so it brings it overall awareness and compassion and confidence that is difficult to find outwardly because it's more of an inward position. Mm hmm. That definitely makes sense. And you often talk about the Gardener research. Tell us a little bit more about that. So the Gartner research talks a lot about how difficult conversations are really hard for managers, and it is the you know, over certain months and years, the amount of managers avoiding difficult conversations. And that's one of the biggest pieces that shown is that those frontline managers have the most challenging time with face to face conversations that require you know, critique or criticism or some you know, difficult conversation and that they're avoiding those because of whether it's the reaction of the other person or the reaction that we often have in those difficult moments.

11:32 Why do you think that is? So? I think that we all have past experiences that make having difficult conversations hard, very hard to do, because they really inform the present moment. Right, So, if we've had one past experience that didn't go well and an interaction, the likelihood that we would want to express ourselves or be honest in another interaction will be low. I also think that the scarcity and just the living through that lens of fear makes it very easy to prevent ourselves from having difficult conversations. Whereas if we looked at it through a lens more of possibility and you know what this conversation could potentially lead to and how it could help us, that would make like what you were sharing before, a rate perspective, that idea that if we look at a conversation more from that lens of the possibility of what this difficult conversation could do for us, there's more likely chance that we would engage in it. Right. Also, I think we are modeled communication as we are growing up.

12:45 So we've seen you know, our parents, our teachers, our friendships, our siblings, our partners. Everybody molds the way that we communicate, and so sometimes we forget that. As we get older, we get to choose a different way of communicating that's more helpful for us, and it's a learned practice. So you know, in these difficult moments, we often just resort to our instincts, and when we do that, then we find ourselves in the same patterns again and again. That may not seem the well, that likely aren't having the best ripple effect, right. So I think that it's more bringing in this sense of awareness to the fact that we can change the way that we communicate and we can find new ways to do it so that we can really create that trust in that connection and you know, build from there.

13:45 Definitely. And it makes sense what you're talking about that once people start experiencing the discomfort, the first reaction is to step away from it because most people don't want to experience pain and not experience pain, people will go to extreme less. Yes, very much. So Now let's. Say we have this frontline manager with a with an employee, an employee who has potential, but they think that, you know, everything is going well, but they keep undpeating the mistakes, and that lack of feedback and lack of difficult conversation is prepping that an employee for a very brutal surprise at the end of the year where they will find like in the performance review, oh, your performance was not even meeting expectations. So this is not only causing like you know, as Gottner research shows, as you have shared millions of dollars to the organizations. So how can that frontline manager make that transition from being a verse to having that difficult conversation to having that difficult conversation.

15:03 Yeah, it's such a good question. So that is really what my new book, The Pause Principle, How to Keep Your Cool and Tough Situations, is about. It's really teaching the practice in that moment of calming the body in that discomfort. Because what's happening when we are experiencing, you know, that moment where we need to have a conversation and we feel discomfort in the body somewhere that prevents us from doing that. So the moment that we recognize that discomfort and we understand, okay, you know, my throat's getting dry, my stomach is starting to feel a little you know, nauseous, or you know, I can feel my jaw starting to tighten up, that's when I know that I'm about to shut down or walk away from this. And so my work in that moment is to notice that discomfort and soften towards it. Right, so we learn how to own that discomfort. So instead of pushing it away like we like to do, right, like you had mentioned, what we want to do is we want to soothe our own discomfort in that moment, So you turn inward and you are letting your nervous system calm, right, You're turning towards yourself.

16:29 You're maybe rubbing your ear lobe because that's where one of your pair sympathetic nervous, like the vagus nerve lives. Right, You're maybe like you're rubbing your chest. Maybe you start rubbing your jaw. Maybe you go from you know, your shoulder all the way down to your wrist, and it just lets your body know that you're safe, and then you move more into that rest and digest so that then you can look at the other person calmly and you can be able to express yourself without the fear. Right. So there's different practices that you can do. You can own your discomfort. You can focus on the present moment, which is you know, starting to remember where your feet are, where your hands are, what your belly's doing, so that then you can see clearly it's moving that emotion, that heightened state to the side so that you can access yourself in that calm and then be able to express yourself.

17:30 So definitely very powerful. Because people experience so many things. It's not only the bass, it's mistakes made during the crunch time and constantly adjusting demands. So what I'm hearing is that taking that pause. Yes, yeah, it is really about that moment. Most people when they talk about communication, it really is like speaking or listening. And the work that I really focus on is that moment between stimulus and response, right, And Victor Frankel had the quote where you know, between stimulus and response, there's a space. In that space lies your freedom to respond, right, And in that response lies your basically your freedom. I'm paraphrasing, but that's the piece, That moment between someone saying something and us reacting, that's where this work really comes in because it is that that space, that moment where we get to choose how we want to show up in this interaction and how we want to respond. But we have to be aware of that moment first, right, for us to be able to do it.

18:52 So these are some very powerful ways that people can bring themselves in the present moment. Yeah, so many times it happens. Otherwise the world would be such a happy place right just. Now, it wouldn't be. As I was reading, I don't know, a couple of months back, or a few months back, the World Health Organization said that depression or the mental wealth mental health issues is like number one disease of burden in the current society. End of connectivity. So you mentioned that it's important to become aware. What can people do to cultivate that awareness in the day to day lives?

19:34 So I think the awareness begins with noticing what you're doing while you're doing it, right, So it means slowing down. It means choosing moments throughout the day where you can just notice what you're doing without evaluating it or judging it. So even if it's getting into your car, just slowing down that movement and feeling, you know, what does it feel like on your hands? Is it cold? Is it warm? Paying attention to the movement of getting into your car, right when you sit down at the desk, maybe turning on the computer or picking up a pen or starting to write, slowing down and paying attention to what you're doing, that just brings an awareness to our surroundings. Right even if you step outside just listening for just a moment to the birds or to the traffic. Again, that brings the awareness into the day to day and then you can move it towards your speaking, so you start to pay attention to the language that you're using, how you're using it, and really starting to notice are you being honest?

20:47 Are you being kind? Are you being helpful? And choosing you know that path going forward? Absolutely, now you've become aware, how can people build it into that conditioning because as you're talking about, our bodies signal that to us. And what happens is that as you get older and older, like you know, we keep on working on autopilot because of brains are designed to survive, not try, right, So in this conditioning, how can people build in their daily practices so that way the new practices or the new habits replace the old ones.

21:33 Yeah, so I really think it's about checking in, giving yourself times throughout the day to simply check in with your body. Right. It doesn't have to be in a heightened state. If you are in a heightened state, that's a wonderful way to notice what's happening because you are experiencing discomfort, right, and we can tell that pretty quickly. But it also really is important throughout the day to just you know, be sitting there and maybe you have a little tim or that goes off, or maybe you decide that every day at noon, right, you're just going to check in with your body and just see how is it feeling. What is the sensation that's happening in my body right now? Is it a pleasant sensation, a neutral sensation, an uncomfortable sensation. And again, it's not evaluating it.

22:22 It's simply just noticing what's here. And the more we start to pay attention and notice, then we become more familiar when our body is in discomfort, in difficult interactions, or if we're in a neutral state, or if we're in a pleasant state. And so it's more little check ins throughout the day, just noticing where you are at. Right. Yeah, definitely having the timer or associating it with some existing routines, because then you attaching anything new to an existing routine, it's easier for us to incorporated in our daily routines. Yeah, so now let's say they have started incorporating into daily routines, the next step always will naturally move into meditation, so that they are building that calmness.

23:20 Into the routine. So like any pods on that. Yeah, so meditation is a big part of communication. I think that meditation really teaches us how to be present in an interaction. It helps us notice when we're distracted and move ourselves back into the moment. It also helps us become more responsive, right because we know how to access that rest in our body, We know what that feels like, and so there are specific meditations that are really helpful for us to learn how to communicate in a kind, oness and helpful way. And you know, there's breath awareness practice, which is great for helping train our attention so that we are present in an interaction. There's meta loving kindness meditation, which helps us begin to feel more compassion towards ourselves into others, especially those you know we may be having difficulty with. And there's also different meditations that can help us see clearly and you know, release some of the fear that holds us back from having hard conversations. So there are many meditations that act as that glue, right. It really is the formal practice of softening.

24:43 A lot of times, what happens is that when people, especially the new ways, as they're getting into it. First of all, there is a little bit of. Skepticism and as they practice, all those plots are going on off, so just like you know, you're sitting here, you're distracted, all that self talk is going on, and it interrupts the meditation. So what could be the bridge where all those thoughts are just kind of floating in towards just quitting the mind. So when the thoughts are floating in, that's an okay thing. Thoughts are completely okay right in meditation. So our work is to notice if a thought is taking us away from the present moment. So if let's say our attention is on our breath, then suddenly we don't remember that our attension is on our breath and we're stuck in you know, a storyline of maybe a vacation that we want to take, or you know, a meeting that we just had, and we're very far away. Then we notice that and we say, oh, hey, thanks for sharing. I'm just going to refocus my attention and bring it back to the present moment, bring it back to my breath.

25:59 So we're always noticing and acknowledging the distraction or the thought, and we're thanking it for being there, we're labeling it maybe thinking, and then we come back to the present moment. And that really is the practice. It's remembering to be present, forgetting to be present and not judging ourselves for it. So what I'm hearing is that, and as an evid meditation practitioner, myself definitely is releasing that judgment. In that judgment, what happens is that some of the saboteurs or that negative self stalk and step in and take you away. Yes, so can you share some practices for the communication on how to build that communication with oneself?

26:51 So the way we talk to ourselves is so important. It really is how we I mean, the way that we to ourselves dictates really how we interact with others and how we live in the world. And one of the ways to really begin is to start paying attention and noticing the way that you talk to yourself and if it's helpful or if it's hurtful, and if it's hurtful, that's okay. We all do it, and so it's just noticing. Again, we're not judging or evaluating ourselves. We're just noticing, Wow, I've been saying some really hurtful things to myself and that's okay. And then we continue to pay attention to notice helpful or hurtful language. Then we decide, Okay, well, when I am saying these hurtful things to myself, are they true? Right? Is it true? And most of the time, if we really look clearly, we can see that maybe we're exaggerating, Maybe we're you know, making assumptions, maybe we are you know, judging based off of the past experience.

27:59 And so we start to notice that our negative self talk really isn't true. It might even be somebody else's voice, right. And so then once we start to see, okay, well that that's not true, then I want to talk to myself in more of a healthy way and more of a kind, honest and helpful way. And so what would be what else could I say to myself in this moment? Right? Definitely, So now you have listened to it, and there may be self judgments, there may be somebody else's voice. So what what do the people do next with it? So after they notice, then they forgive themselves for having these thoughts.

28:44 Right. It's that idea of like, you know, even though I'm telling myself these things, I'm still a good person thing right, because we are, and we can forget that really easily, and so we notice it. We forgive ourselves for thinking it, and then we think about how do we want to feel instead in this moment. And then let's say we're talking to ourselves in a way that's making us feel insecure or less than in some way, and our one or feeling is to feel confident. So then I would think, well, then what can I do in this moment to help myself feel confident? Maybe that means I, you know, go shovel the sidewalk, or maybe that means, you know, I take out the trash, or you know, it could be anything that helps us just take that one step toward feeling the way that we want to feel.

29:36 So what you're helping yourself when you're doing that is you're building that shift in perspective. And then the shift in perspective happens, then you know that, Okay, this happened, and I can change the land said I'm looking at the situation or the person I'm. Looking at it. Yes, and it happens over and over. It's not just we don't just do it one time and then everything's wonderful, but it's a daily practice, right of nerving and redirecting. Yes, so redirecting, that's a. Very very powerful word. Yeah, So what. Tell us a little bit, what got you interested in this and tell us more about your books.

30:23 Yeah, so I got into this in a not a linear way. I was very passive, aggressive, very judgmental, and I loved walking away from situations, especially difficult interactions. And I didn't know that necessarily, I didn't know that I had such aversion to discomfort. And then unexpectedly my first love passed away and I was thrown into just discomfort. Yeah, Gloria to hear that, thank you, And it was the lowest of the low for me. And I had never experienced what I was experiencing right like, just the discomfort.

31:12 I wanted it to go away. I didn't want it to be here. And so I learned in that moment how to work with discomfort. And what I ended up learning and seeing was how it started changing within my interactions as well. So I started learning how to listen to myself differently, talk to myself differently. I started learning how to then be in difficult situations and handle that discomfort, that emotion that was gathering, and really practicing moving that emotion to the side, accessing myself so that I could interact and working through that process and then I started, you know, writing about it and teaching about it, and that's really how everything kind of came to be because the work changed my life in terms of how I was interacting with others and in the world. And then it started working for other people too, And then I you know, wrote how to communicate like a Buddhist, then talk to yourself like a Buddhist, how to meditate like a Buddhist. And then my new book is coming out called The Pause Principle, How to Keep your cool and tough Situations, And that really is the practices for in the moment when you're in those high stake, stressful interactions.

32:38 How do you stay in the room even when it's really difficult to do m Yeah. If somebody wanted to connect with you and get your books. Yeah, so you can go to Cynthia Kane dot com. The books are sold wherever books are sold, so you can check out wherever you like to go grab books. And you can also find me on I'm on YouTube and Instagram at c y k one. That's how you can connect with me. So if you want to share any last times for their listeners.

33:22 Yeah, I think that the biggest piece with communication is that we have a tendency to think that we can't change it, or that you know, these are just patterns that we are continually in the same types of interactions, And the truth is that it really is a learned behavior and you can learn how to change your interactions, especially in you know, difficult conversations. And I think that it's really important for us to remember that we are responsible for each moment in our life and we get to choose how we show up. And so that is what I would just leave with, is just this idea that really it is a learned practice, and so if shifting the way that you're interacting is something you're interested in, you can definitely do it.

34:14 Very powerful. Thank you for joining us, Cynthia, and definitely I'm sure that you know our audience can benefit from your books, so definitely go check them out. And thank you. Thank you, Thank you, dear audience for being part of our life and for being so actively engaged with us, sharing your stories and. Reaching out to us. So we treasure you. And we wish you all the best. Let us know how can we serve you and support you, And thank you one for making the show technically possible.

34:56 Thank you for being part of Beyond Confidence. With your host, dv park help you have learned more about how to start living the life you want. Each week on Beyond Confidence, you hear stories of real people who've experienced growth by overcoming their fears and building meaningful relationships. During Beyond Confidence, Divapark shares what happened to her when she stepped out of her comfort zone to work directly with people across the globe. She not only coaches people how to form hard connections, but also transform relationships to mutually beneficial partnerships as they strive to live the life they want. If you are ready to live the life you want and leverage your strengths, learn more at www dot dvpark dot com and you can connect with vat contact at dvpark dot com. We look forward to you joining us next week.