Jan. 22, 2025

Keep Your Cool: The Pause Principle for Thriving in Tough Situations

Show Notes
Transcript

Poor communication causes 70% of corporate errors, costing businesses thousands. Leaders face constant pressure—crises, strategy shifts, and team dynamics—making effective communication a challenge.

Join Divya Parekh & Cynthia Kane as they explore The Pause Principle, a transformative approach to staying calm and clear under stress. Gain actionable strategies to lead with confidence, even in high-pressure moments.

🎧 Tune in to turn stress into strength!

Beyond Confidence is broadcast live Tuesdays at 10AM ET on W4WN Radio - Women 4 Women Network (www.w4wn.com) part of Talk 4 Radio (www.talk4radio.com) on the Talk 4 Media Network (www.talk4media.com). Beyond Confidence TV Show is viewed on Talk 4 TV (www.talk4tv.com).

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The topics and opinions expressed on the following show are

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This is Beyond Confidence with your host d V park.

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Do you want to live a more fulfilling life? Do

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you want to live your legacy and achieve your personal, professional,

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and financial goals? Well? Coming up on ZVA Parks Beyond Confidence,

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you will hear real stories of leaders, entrepreneurs, and achievers

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who have stepped into discomfort, shattered their status quo, and

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are living the life they want. You will learn how

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relationships are the key to achieving your aspirations and financial goals.

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Moving your career business forward does not have to happen

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at the expense of your personal or family life or

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vice versa. Learn more at WWTA. You don't divpork dot

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com and you can connect with div ants contact aants

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divpark dot com. This is beyond confidence and now here's

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your host div Park.

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Good morning listeners, so thrilled to be here with you.

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Not sure what part of country you might be in,

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but we are definitely having a cold spell at least

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cold buyer standards. And that brings me to the thing

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is that it's perspective. So think about it. You wake

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up and you look at the temperature.

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Oh it's cold. Your heater is running. How is it cold?

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So a lot depends on your life's perspective and super

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important to remember that perspective, a fresh perspective or a

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change in perspective is the answer to your life's growth.

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And I want to share a quick story by one

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of our our audience, Yes min so yes men send

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us an email about her Kindness Circle story.

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She said that.

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Her son had been misbehaving and she was very very

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upset at him, wanted to not allow him to go

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to his friends both today party and sat down with

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him and said all right, look this is what we

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can do. I can ground you.

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Not let you go. That said, I do want to

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bring in.

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Kindness and would you be open to practicing kindness with

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me where we are kind to each other. And surprisingly,

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her son became very teary eyed, a growing teenager.

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You know how teenagers.

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Are just finding their footing and she reported that that

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just that one event, not everything has changed completely, but

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they're becoming more aware. So it doesn't matter where you

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begin either. You could begin kindness in your to yourself,

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to your family or anyone. Keep the kindness going and

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make commitment to it. And for those of you who

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have got our books, the entrepreneurs got in and the

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expert to influencer think you think you thank you because

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you're helping us help other entrepreneurs. And if you have not,

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we would appreciate you getting our books because they will

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change your life as well as help us help with

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the entrepreneurs at Keywa dot org. So let's bring in

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our guest. Welcome Cynthia.

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Hi, how are you good?

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Thank you for asking how are you.

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I'm doing well. I'm also experiencing the call over here, which.

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Is I mean, yes, your area has been experiencing cold

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this year.

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A lot to tell us.

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Do you remember a moment or a person from your

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childhood or youth who.

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Left a positive mark on you.

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Yes, Well, I think one of the people who left

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a truly positive mark was my grandmother. I called her

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my mama. She really was this very strong, independent woman,

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and she also was so nurturing and was more of

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like the caretaker role as well. And she was really able,

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in my opinion, to really balance the two of being

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tough when she needed to be tough, kind when kindness

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was needed, and you know, nurturing at the same time.

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So for me, her mark is very very clear in

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my life.

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Yeah, and that's a tough balance to achieve.

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So as you grew up, did you have any interest

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as a child and did you continue in the same direction.

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Yeah. I mean, I think it took me a long

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time to learn the balance between strength and kindness and

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that nurturing aspect. It took me a very long time

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to learn that towards myself and towards other people. And

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to this day it's still a practice, right, a practice

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of being able to see those interactions where kindness is

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really needed, compassion is really needed, or more direct language

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is really needed, right.

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Yes, And that brings us to the communication piece, because

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as we talk about you know, you and I are

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talking to each other, and through all the day we

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are communicating to.

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Ourselves and we're communicating with others.

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And it's only blent or non stilent. So tell us

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the what drole communication plays, especially in the world arena.

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I mean, I really believe that communication is absolutely everything.

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It's the way that we interact with our colleagues, are

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you know, teams. It's the way that we interact with

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our computers, our phones, It's the way that we interact

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with you know, the coffee machine in the morning. It

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really is every moment we are in communication with something,

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whether it's someone or ourselves. And it plays a big

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role in the workplace because if one, if we're talking

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to ourselves in a way that is unhelpful, it creates

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it's more difficulty interacting with others and maybe moving ourselves

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forward in a place that we want to get to.

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If we are interacting in a way where we don't

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feel we're aligned, that can also affect how we're working

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in the workplace. If we are lashing out, getting passive aggressive,

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all of our relationships shift because of that. And so

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communicating is I truly believe the key to enjoying all

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of where we are and what we're doing here.

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So can you share as to what are some of

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the basic pillars of communications.

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So I believe that communication begins in the body, and

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that really looks like there's a moment between the stimulus

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and response, and that is the discomfort that we feel

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within the body. And that is the most important piece,

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is the awareness of the discomfort in the body when

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we're in a difficult interaction, so that then we can

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express ourselves. And the elements of right speech and Buddhism

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is where I draw a lot of my work from. Really,

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they're the foundation of intentional communication, which is to tell

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the truth, don't gossip, use helpful language, and don't exaggerate.

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And so those truly are the filters through which our

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interactions can happen. And through those filters then we can

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communicate in a kind, honest and helpful way.

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M So, of course those are very very powerful. And

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yet some people in our audience may be scratching their

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head and saying like, Okay, these are Boodhist principles, how

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do they apply to me?

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Whether you know you are.

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A corporate professional, manager, leader or teamly, it doesn't matter where.

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You are at.

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Yeah, so it's the wonderful thing is that they're more

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practices than anything else. And the idea is when we

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are in a you know, in a meeting, if we're

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in a difficult interaction, we learn how to be honest

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and helpful and kind at the same time, and that

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creates more trust, that creates more loyalty, it creates more

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connection with those that we're working with. And we also

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learn how to be objective and to see clearly what's

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happening within an interaction. And so therefore we have a

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sense of clarity when we're making decisions and we're not

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as attached to the emotion in the moment. And we

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also get this sense of really being present in our

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interactions because we can get really distracted very easily thinking of,

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you know, what needs to come next, what we haven't done,

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what we need to be doing, trying really to get

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straight to the bottom line of what we're dealing with.

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And when we start to become more present in an interaction,

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we begin to listen more, we begin to see the

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other person as someone we want to be supportive of

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and helpful towards, and you know, to really keep the

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integrity of the conversation intact so it brings it overall

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awareness and compassion and confidence that is difficult to find

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outwardly because it's more of an inward position.

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Mm hmm.

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That definitely makes sense. And you often talk about the

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Gardener research. Tell us a little bit more about that.

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So the Gartner research talks a lot about how difficult

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conversations are really hard for managers, and it is the

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you know, over certain months and years, the amount of

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managers avoiding difficult conversations. And that's one of the biggest

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pieces that shown is that those frontline managers have the

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most challenging time with face to face conversations that require

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you know, critique or criticism or some you know, difficult

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conversation and that they're avoiding those because of whether it's

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the reaction of the other person or the reaction that

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we often have in those difficult moments.

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Why do you think that is?

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So? I think that we all have past experiences that

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make having difficult conversations hard, very hard to do, because

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they really inform the present moment. Right, So, if we've

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had one past experience that didn't go well and an interaction,

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the likelihood that we would want to express ourselves or

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be honest in another interaction will be low. I also

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think that the scarcity and just the living through that

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lens of fear makes it very easy to prevent ourselves

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from having difficult conversations. Whereas if we looked at it

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through a lens more of possibility and you know what

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this conversation could potentially lead to and how it could

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help us, that would make like what you were sharing before,

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a rate perspective, that idea that if we look at

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a conversation more from that lens of the possibility of

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what this difficult conversation could do for us, there's more

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likely chance that we would engage in it. Right. Also,

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I think we are modeled communication as we are growing up.

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So we've seen you know, our parents, our teachers, our friendships,

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our siblings, our partners. Everybody molds the way that we communicate,

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and so sometimes we forget that. As we get older,

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we get to choose a different way of communicating that's

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more helpful for us, and it's a learned practice. So

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you know, in these difficult moments, we often just resort

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to our instincts, and when we do that, then we

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find ourselves in the same patterns again and again. That

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may not seem the well, that likely aren't having the

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best ripple effect, right. So I think that it's more

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bringing in this sense of awareness to the fact that

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we can change the way that we communicate and we

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can find new ways to do it so that we

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can really create that trust in that connection and you know,

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build from there.

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Definitely.

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And it makes sense what you're talking about that once

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people start experiencing the discomfort, the first reaction is to

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step away from it because most people don't want to

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experience pain and not experience pain, people will go to

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extreme less.

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Yes, very much.

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So Now let's.

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Say we have this frontline manager with a with an employee,

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an employee who has potential, but they think that, you know,

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everything is going well, but they keep undpeating the mistakes,

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and that lack of feedback and lack of difficult conversation

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is prepping that an employee for a very brutal surprise

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at the end of the year where they will find

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like in the performance review, oh, your performance was not

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even meeting expectations. So this is not only causing like

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you know, as Gottner research shows, as you have shared

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millions of dollars to the organizations. So how can that

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frontline manager make that transition from being a verse to

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having that difficult conversation to having that difficult conversation.

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Yeah, it's such a good question. So that is really

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what my new book, The Pause Principle, How to Keep

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Your Cool and Tough Situations, is about. It's really teaching

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the practice in that moment of calming the body in

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that discomfort. Because what's happening when we are experiencing, you know,

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that moment where we need to have a conversation and

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we feel discomfort in the body somewhere that prevents us

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from doing that. So the moment that we recognize that

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discomfort and we understand, okay, you know, my throat's getting dry,

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my stomach is starting to feel a little you know, nauseous,

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or you know, I can feel my jaw starting to

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tighten up, that's when I know that I'm about to

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shut down or walk away from this. And so my

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work in that moment is to notice that discomfort and

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soften towards it. Right, so we learn how to own

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that discomfort. So instead of pushing it away like we

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like to do, right, like you had mentioned, what we

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want to do is we want to soothe our own

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discomfort in that moment, So you turn inward and you

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are letting your nervous system calm, right, You're turning towards yourself.

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You're maybe rubbing your ear lobe because that's where one

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of your pair sympathetic nervous, like the vagus nerve lives. Right,

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You're maybe like you're rubbing your chest. Maybe you start

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rubbing your jaw. Maybe you go from you know, your

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shoulder all the way down to your wrist, and it

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just lets your body know that you're safe, and then

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you move more into that rest and digest so that

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then you can look at the other person calmly and

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you can be able to express yourself without the fear. Right.

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So there's different practices that you can do. You can

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own your discomfort. You can focus on the present moment,

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which is you know, starting to remember where your feet are,

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where your hands are, what your belly's doing, so that

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then you can see clearly it's moving that emotion, that

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heightened state to the side so that you can access

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yourself in that calm and then be able to express yourself.

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So definitely very powerful.

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Because people experience so many things. It's not only the bass,

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it's mistakes made during the crunch time and constantly adjusting demands.

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So what I'm hearing is that taking that pause.

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Yes, yeah, it is really about that moment. Most people

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when they talk about communication, it really is like speaking

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or listening. And the work that I really focus on

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is that moment between stimulus and response, right, And Victor

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Frankel had the quote where you know, between stimulus and response,

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there's a space. In that space lies your freedom to respond, right,

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And in that response lies your basically your freedom. I'm paraphrasing,

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but that's the piece, That moment between someone saying something

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and us reacting, that's where this work really comes in

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because it is that that space, that moment where we

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get to choose how we want to show up in

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this interaction and how we want to respond. But we

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have to be aware of that moment first, right, for

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us to be able to do it.

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So these are some very powerful ways that people can

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bring themselves in the present moment. Yeah, so many times

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it happens. Otherwise the world would be such a happy

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place right just.

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Now, it wouldn't be.

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As I was reading, I don't know, a couple of

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months back, or a few months back, the World Health

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Organization said that depression or the mental wealth mental health

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issues is like number one disease of burden in the

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current society.

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End of connectivity. So you mentioned that it's important to

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become aware.

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What can people do to cultivate that awareness in the

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day to day lives?

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So I think the awareness begins with noticing what you're

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doing while you're doing it, right, So it means slowing down.

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It means choosing moments throughout the day where you can

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just notice what you're doing without evaluating it or judging it.

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So even if it's getting into your car, just slowing

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down that movement and feeling, you know, what does it

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feel like on your hands? Is it cold? Is it warm?

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Paying attention to the movement of getting into your car,

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right when you sit down at the desk, maybe turning

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on the computer or picking up a pen or starting

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to write, slowing down and paying attention to what you're doing,

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that just brings an awareness to our surroundings. Right even

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if you step outside just listening for just a moment

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to the birds or to the traffic. Again, that brings

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the awareness into the day to day and then you

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can move it towards your speaking, so you start to

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pay attention to the language that you're using, how you're

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using it, and really starting to notice are you being honest?

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Are you being kind? Are you being helpful? And choosing

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you know that path going forward?

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Absolutely, now you've become aware, how can people build it

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into that conditioning because as you're talking about, our bodies

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signal that to us. And what happens is that as

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you get older and older, like you know, we keep

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on working on autopilot because of brains are designed to survive,

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not try, right, So in this conditioning, how can people

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build in their daily practices so that way the new

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practices or the new habits replace the old ones.

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Yeah, so I really think it's about checking in, giving

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yourself times throughout the day to simply check in with

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your body. Right. It doesn't have to be in a

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heightened state. If you are in a heightened state, that's

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a wonderful way to notice what's happening because you are

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experiencing discomfort, right, and we can tell that pretty quickly.

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But it also really is important throughout the day to

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just you know, be sitting there and maybe you have

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a little tim or that goes off, or maybe you

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decide that every day at noon, right, you're just going

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to check in with your body and just see how

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00:22:10.720 --> 00:22:13.880
is it feeling. What is the sensation that's happening in

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my body right now? Is it a pleasant sensation, a

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neutral sensation, an uncomfortable sensation. And again, it's not evaluating it.

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It's simply just noticing what's here. And the more we

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start to pay attention and notice, then we become more

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familiar when our body is in discomfort, in difficult interactions,

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or if we're in a neutral state, or if we're

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in a pleasant state. And so it's more little check

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00:22:42.839 --> 00:22:48.160
ins throughout the day, just noticing where you are at. Right.

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00:22:48.440 --> 00:22:53.480
Yeah, definitely having the timer or associating it with some

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existing routines, because then you attaching anything new to an

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00:22:58.839 --> 00:23:03.640
existing routine, it's easier for us to incorporated in our

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00:23:03.720 --> 00:23:07.400
daily routines. Yeah, so now let's say they have started

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incorporating into daily routines, the next step always will naturally

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00:23:13.759 --> 00:23:21.279
move into meditation, so that they are building that calmness.

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Into the routine. So like any pods on that.

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00:23:24.240 --> 00:23:28.519
Yeah, so meditation is a big part of communication. I

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think that meditation really teaches us how to be present

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in an interaction. It helps us notice when we're distracted

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and move ourselves back into the moment. It also helps

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us become more responsive, right because we know how to

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00:23:44.279 --> 00:23:47.680
access that rest in our body, We know what that

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00:23:47.759 --> 00:23:50.960
feels like, and so there are specific meditations that are

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really helpful for us to learn how to communicate in

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a kind, oness and helpful way. And you know, there's

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00:24:00.039 --> 00:24:04.240
breath awareness practice, which is great for helping train our

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attention so that we are present in an interaction. There's

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00:24:08.559 --> 00:24:13.319
meta loving kindness meditation, which helps us begin to feel

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more compassion towards ourselves into others, especially those you know

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we may be having difficulty with. And there's also different

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meditations that can help us see clearly and you know,

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00:24:26.799 --> 00:24:29.359
release some of the fear that holds us back from

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00:24:29.480 --> 00:24:36.039
having hard conversations. So there are many meditations that act

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00:24:36.079 --> 00:24:40.119
as that glue, right. It really is the formal practice

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of softening.

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A lot of times, what happens is that when people,

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00:24:46.200 --> 00:24:49.039
especially the new ways, as they're getting into it.

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First of all, there is a little bit of.

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00:24:50.759 --> 00:24:56.559
Skepticism and as they practice, all those plots are going

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on off, so just like you know, you're sitting here,

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00:24:59.200 --> 00:25:02.680
you're distracted, all that self talk is going on, and

375
00:25:02.720 --> 00:25:07.920
it interrupts the meditation. So what could be the bridge

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00:25:08.599 --> 00:25:11.839
where all those thoughts are just kind of floating in

377
00:25:13.079 --> 00:25:14.559
towards just quitting the mind.

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00:25:15.519 --> 00:25:19.039
So when the thoughts are floating in, that's an okay thing.

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00:25:19.160 --> 00:25:23.680
Thoughts are completely okay right in meditation. So our work

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00:25:23.839 --> 00:25:27.000
is to notice if a thought is taking us away

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00:25:27.160 --> 00:25:30.480
from the present moment. So if let's say our attention

382
00:25:30.720 --> 00:25:36.279
is on our breath, then suddenly we don't remember that

383
00:25:36.359 --> 00:25:38.720
our attension is on our breath and we're stuck in

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00:25:39.160 --> 00:25:42.359
you know, a storyline of maybe a vacation that we

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00:25:42.400 --> 00:25:44.599
want to take, or you know, a meeting that we

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00:25:44.759 --> 00:25:48.079
just had, and we're very far away. Then we notice

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00:25:48.160 --> 00:25:53.119
that and we say, oh, hey, thanks for sharing. I'm

388
00:25:53.160 --> 00:25:57.039
just going to refocus my attention and bring it back

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00:25:57.079 --> 00:25:59.279
to the present moment, bring it back to my breath.

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00:25:59.640 --> 00:26:03.319
So we're always noticing and acknowledging the distraction or the thought,

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00:26:04.079 --> 00:26:07.240
and we're thanking it for being there, we're labeling it

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00:26:07.319 --> 00:26:10.240
maybe thinking, and then we come back to the present moment.

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And that really is the practice. It's remembering to be present,

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00:26:14.240 --> 00:26:18.119
forgetting to be present and not judging ourselves for it.

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So what I'm hearing is that, and as an evid

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00:26:25.039 --> 00:26:32.799

Keep Your Cool: The Pause Principle for Thriving in Tough Situations

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