Aug. 20, 2024

The Emotional Intelligence Upgrade: Your Guide to Better Connections

The Emotional Intelligence Upgrade: Your Guide to Better Connections

Have you ever wondered why some people effortlessly connect with others, effortlessly building close relationships without even trying? Do you wish you could harness those skills for yourself? Well, you're in luck!
In this episode, Divya Parekh is...

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Have you ever wondered why some people effortlessly connect with others, effortlessly building close relationships without even trying? Do you wish you could harness those skills for yourself? Well, you're in luck!
In this episode, Divya Parekh is sitting with emotional intelligence expert Harvey Deutschendorf to spill the secrets of elevating your emotional intelligence. Harvey is a sought-after speaker and the author of some acclaimed books on this topic, so you know he's got the goods.

Beyond Confidence is broadcast live Tuesdays at 10AM ET on W4WN Radio - Women 4 Women Network (www.w4wn.com) part of Talk 4 Radio (www.talk4radio.com) on the Talk 4 Media Network (www.talk4media.com). Beyond Confidence TV Show is viewed on Talk 4 TV (www.talk4tv.com).

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WEBVTT

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The topics and opinions expressed on the following show are

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This is Beyond Confidence with your host w Park. Do

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you want to live a more fulfilling life? Do you

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want to live your legacy and achieve your personal, professional,

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and financial goals? Well? Coming up on dvparks Beyond Confidence,

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you will hear real stories of leaders, entrepreneurs, and achievers

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who have stepped into discomfort, shattered their status quo, and

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are living the life they want. You will learn how

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relationships are the key to achieving your aspirations and financial goals.

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Moving your career business forward does not have to happen

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at the expense of your personal or family life, or

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vice versa. Learn more at www dot dvpark dot com

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and you can connect with Divant contact at dvpark dot com.

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This is beyond confidence and now here's your host, div Park.

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Good morning listeners, So thrilled to be here with you.

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It's Tuesday morning, and I'm excited to share a wonderful

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kind of story that one of you shared with us.

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So thank you Jenny for reaching out to us and sharing.

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So what Jenny shared was she was walking out of

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the gym and what she saw was that there was

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a fellow gym worker and he seemed in pain. It

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was almost like there was a muscle cramp or something

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like that. So what she did was she helped him

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become a little bit comfortable, took the phone, called a

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gym and had the trainers come out and they helped

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him in his car in What was interesting was that

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the person was not feeling well, and Jenny stayed with

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him and they took him to the hospital and what

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they found was that he was having a mindstroke. So

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just imagine if he would have been in the car

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and driving. So you never know what your little act

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of kindness can do, how big of an impact it

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can have. So thank you Jenny, and you are our

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hero for this week. What a hero. We want to

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celebrate you and give you a shout out and thank

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you to each and every one of you who have

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got a box, because we are here to help you

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live the life you deserve and become that influencers and

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become that entrepreneur and leaders who creates impact in other

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people's lives. So books will definitely do that. And if

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you have not got a box to get our books

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there available everywhere. And remember that partial profits from our

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book go to Kiva dot org because we do believe

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that entrepreneurs can impact a lot of people. So today

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we have something very special in store for you. Well,

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let's welcome our guest, Welcolm Harvey.

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Thank you, dear. I'm just excited to be on your.

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Show, excited to have you. So we start out from

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the initial part of our life journeys. What's fascinating is

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that children are so open and curious. So do you

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recall a moment or a person from your childhood that

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left a positive mark on you.

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Yes, there.

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Was a man that would come down and visit us

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all the time, and he was very funny and you

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like to tease me and play with me a child,

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And yeah, I was just I love to see him.

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I couldn't wait till he you know, and I heard

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he was coming to visit us. I was just so

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excited to see him all the time. And yeah, he

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would always have something funny to say to me, or

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he'd play with me. He'd notice me, he would really

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pay attention to me. And as a child growing up,

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a lot of times, you know, adults didn't pay that

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much attention. So this man was very special because he

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really noticed me, and he took time out to play

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with me, and he took time out to talk to me,

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and you know, like I mattered, it was important, like

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I was important in his life.

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Yeah, and this is such a beautiful story that children offer.

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People for that matter, don't care about expensive gifts. I mean,

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of course, you know, it's awesome to receive gifts. That said,

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when you give the gift of time and undivided attention,

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you said, it made you feel important. You know this

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you that is so powerful. So as you travel through

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your life and as you grew Harvey, which direction did

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your life take?

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Well?

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I I grew up in a My parents were refugees.

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They came over from Europe after the Second World War.

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Lost everything and had to borrow actually money from their

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church for passage. She had absolutely nothing, desperately poor. My

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brother was two when they left Europe. He was born,

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and then my older brother. And when they came over

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first twelve years, we're desperately poor, and my mother talked

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about feeding us for some days. My brother and I

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on an orange and I don't remember that. I don't

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remember ever going hungry or being without were even though

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we're poor, I didn't notice that as much because most

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people in the neighborhood were. We were probably a lot

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more than even But anyways, that wasn't the thing though.

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That was difficult, But growing up was my father was

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very angry. He was a very angry man, and he

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would you know, we never knew, and he would lash

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out and be very very abusive, and it created a

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lot of conflict in the family. My mother and didn't

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actually want to leave Europe. She didn't want to leave

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all her family behind, but and she missed them. And

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when you grew up, my brother also became abusive. I

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wanted I wanted to see more of the world. I

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wanted to I was always a dreamer and I wanted

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to be see the big world out there and everything else.

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And so I went to university. I was the first

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one in my family to go beyond high school. And

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because I had, I had done fairly well in school,

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and that was my escape from then that I was

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in was getting an education. So luckily I did well

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in school, and it was very difficult in high school.

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I remember one day my.

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Principal, who was sort of the most educated person that

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I knew that at the time, and he had traveled

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and said to me, Harvey, you have a good head

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on your shoulders.

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Don't let it go to your head.

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I remember those words, and after a life raft for

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me actually that you know, actually you know, I clung

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onto that.

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I remember it.

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Yes, you know, you're smart, you can do you can

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really do what you want in life. And then on

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a long in life and and because of all the

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you know, the strife at home, the negativity, I picked

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up a lot of a lot of things that were

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not serving you well, a lot of negative things. You know,

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be careful of people, you know everything you know, you

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had to you have to always be careful. And I

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didn't want that. And even though I was working as

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a professional and I didn't have the work I really

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wanted er, the you know, the people, the connections of

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friends that I wanted to. So I was trying to

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help myself and I read a lot of self help

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books and nothing really spoke to me. And then I

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read a book by the name of by the name

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of somebody by the name of Daniel Goleman wrote a

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book called Emotional Intelligence. Well it can matter more than IQ,

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And on page four something jumped out at me that

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changed my life. It said, you know, all of your

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intellect can come to not once your emotions hold sway.

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And that's what That's what it was. My emotions were

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holding me back. I picked up a lot of negativity

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growing up and I had to I had to overcome this.

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I had to turn my life around so I could

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be positive and I could make better connections with people.

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So I started reading everything I cut on emotional intelligence.

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I took courses, I took training, and eventually I said, well,

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all the books the time where very academic and it

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didn't have any real real answers to what you could

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do to to to use emotional intelligence in your life.

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And I thought, somebody's got to write a book like this,

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because this is powerful. This is powerful, but but in

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those books you have to sort of pull out things

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and make up things on your own to actually improve

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your emotional tillagi. So that was a missing part, and

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I said, somebody's got to write a book to to

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show people how to do that. So I said, well,

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I'm somebody, and I had written actually a book years

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before that, which before I heard about emotional Coelogist and

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got a publicist. I said, I can do that too,

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I can write a book. And it wasn't it wasn't

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that easy, but I didn't manage to find a publisher,

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an agent and a publisher, and sort of it. It

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took over my life. And I guess it's like I say,

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the rest of history, I sort of been preaching, preaching

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about emotional intelligence, sort of sharing it with everybody I can,

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and through my writing, through my speaking and everything. Because

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it's it's totally turned my life around. I went and

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I joined the Men's organization where it was a safe

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place too and you're supported in sharing your feelings and

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what you're going through.

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Men could get together and do.

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That, and so that that absolutely helped me, and I

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would very highly recommend it for any man that's going

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to call the Mankind Project.

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It's a wonderful organization.

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So and I've been on this wonderful journey ever since

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and it's it's turned my life around. And yeah, I

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just can't say enough positive things about what emotional intelligence

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has done for me and.

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What it can do for anybody if they use it.

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Mm hm. And you're absolutely right when you talked about

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Daniel Goldman and that page number four. And I have

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to say that your journey itself is very impressive that

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you had this fork in front of you and you

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chose to go in the direction of positivity and letting

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go of the past. And maybe sometimes we are not

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really able to let go of the past. So so

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many people know that emotional intelligence is a buzzword. If

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you were to explain it in simple laymen terms, how

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would you describe emotions?

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Well, the simple the sort of the basic.

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Definition is it's our ability to recognize, to differentiate, and

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to manage our emotions in the emotions of others around it,

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around us, which I wasn't doing that a good job before,

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you know, But it's it's.

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Making our.

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Using our emotions to work for us rather than against us,

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because our emotions can be our best friend because I

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give us very useful information, but it can also be

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our worst enemy if we aren't able to manage our emotions.

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You know, if they can, they can really make our

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life very, very difficult. So I had problems with some

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of it because a lot of the things that I

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grew up with would would trigger my emotions and not

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in a good way. So I learned to manage them,

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and I learned to experience more very positive emotions.

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So you know, it's it's it's to.

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Have our emotions work for us rather than than having

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because they can, they can really trip us up. They

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can cause us lots of problems if we're not if

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we're not recognizing what's happening within us, if we're not

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managing them the way we we could. And you know,

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the one thing I could say was that, you know,

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I'm not totally convinced that we can manage others emotions

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as well as we can manage our own. But here's

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a simple thing you can do if you don't believe.

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I know, we can influence emotions. We can others emotions

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to a great degree. And if you wonder about that,

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go into any mall or you know, supermarket and and

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look at people, and first of all, have a very

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sort of a stone face, don't you know, don't don't

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show any emotions or anything to look at people, or

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even sort of a grouch. You look on your face,

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notice the reaction you get from people. Then smile, put

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on the biggest smile.

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You're able to.

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And then look at people and watch how they react

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to you.

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You know, they react to the most.

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The energy that you're sending out, the emotions that you

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are sending out, that's what you're sending out is what

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you're going to get back to a large degree. So yes,

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it's important to be aware of how you're coming across

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all the time. That's self awareness is the most important.

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The first, the first and most important part of emotion

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intelligence is to be aware. Because I wasn't aware of

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how I was I was coming across the people, and

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many people aren't there and if they were aware, they

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they would they would make an effort to come across

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differently probably than they are.

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Mm hmm. You're absolutely right about emotional intelligence. It's about

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managing our emotions and scoping how others are doing and

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navigating it, influencing to the best of your ability as

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you can. And I love your social experiment because several

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years back I did that in New York because I've

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heard from so many people, Oh gosh, New Yorkers are

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always in a rush, They're rude, and they don't have time.

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So of course, because I was there on vacation, I

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didn't have anywhere to be as is, and I love

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practicing mindfulness wherever I can, decided to do an experiment.

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I just walked around and I was just smiling with

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a slight smile on my face, and it was very

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interesting that some people were kind of taken aback because

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when you're walking and I feel that every city has

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its own rhythm, like they're in this pace, going fast,

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pace fast. And this is before pandemic, of course, But

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what was surprising was that most people, if the eyes

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connected and if I smiled, they would smile back. And

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that again goes back that yes, there's a reputation of

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New Yorkers, and yet people are people. So as you

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talked about, let's take it into different scenarios. So now

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so many times what happens is that there is a

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shift in leadership. Before there used to be authoritarian leadership

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and now we're more about collaborative leadership, servant leadership, more

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about influencing people. And yet just recently one of my

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clients came in saying that she's doing everything she can,

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but her boss is micromanaging her and is very, very toxic.

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So her boss has two different faces her boss. When

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she is talking to the stakeholders and to the leadership team,

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she is just a different person, very pleasant, and when

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she is coming and talking to my client and my

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clients reports, it's like the literally dread her being in

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the meeting. And of course this is all on Zoom

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being the whole remote culture, at least for this company.

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So now when this happens, do you have any tips

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for our listeners or for my client?

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Yeah, that's it's a difficult situation. But I did actually

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write an article one time about how to teach your

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teach your boss emotional intelligence without them them them knowing it,

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sort of sort of doing it.

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Uh.

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The one thing we can do is try to not

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prepare ourselves. And even though we know what our boss

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is going to come across as we're not in control,

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but we we we're in control of how we react,

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So we smile if we're pleasant to our boss, regardless

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of you know, if if if we expect them to

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be uh, not very nice to us, be nasty to us,

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and and and and you know, but if we put

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on we say, well, okay, you know, I'm going to

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I'm going to smile. I'm going to be very very

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pleasant nice. There's things that we can do. We can

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we can, you know, notice things about them if we

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know anything about them, say something that they like.

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Okay.

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For example, they have a you know, somebody in their family.

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You know, they have a pet that they really love,

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and stuff like that. We can see if we could

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somehow bring that into the conversation, ask them about that,

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ask them about something that they know we know something

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about them. The more we can find out about their

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their their life, their background, the more information we will

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have to try to get them onto a positive note.

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For example, they have this this dog that you know

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at home, that the pet that they're really fond of,

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you know, or something has happened.

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That really they really enjoy.

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If we can somehow bring that in and let them know,

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try to turn them into a way.

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That's that's more positive.

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And if they do anything, if they do anything at

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some point that you really appreciate, enjoy them for, let

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them know that, Let them know that because maybe see,

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we don't know, we don't know what are our boss

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is going through, we don't know the pressure under We

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have no idea what's going on with them in their

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in you know, their work life, and we don't have

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any idea of what's going on at home with people

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like people are going through things we don't know anything about.

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So instead of starting off with with a play with

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you know, with the mindset that this is a miserable person,

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you know, and and and and we we just really

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don't want to be anything to do with them. Come

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from the places they are maybe going through a lot

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of difficulties we know nothing about a lot of pain,

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and and and try to see if there's any way

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you know that that we we we could we could

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help them with that, say by showing some appreciation for

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something that they've said or anything they're doing. Look for

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things to be positive about. It'll make it will make

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it easier for us if we do that for our

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own well being as well as maybe helping them.

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Absolutely and as you shared that sometimes people are going

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through pain and actually not in this case, but there

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was another client who could not get her employee to

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be engaged, and she tried everything under the sun, as

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you're mentioning being nice to her figuring it out. And

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then later down the road, as we had talked about,

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what I and her came up with a solution is

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just having a safe space where she could just open

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up without any fear of retribution, without any fear of like, oh,

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if I divulged this, then my career is going to

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get impacted. My job's going to get impacted. So she

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took her, took her out for lunch, and then she

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found out that her employee had been going through IBF

353
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and couldn't get pregnant. Oh yes, and that just changed

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the scenario. And going back to the previous example of

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my client, she tried everything, as you had mentioned, you

356
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know a lot of people and things couldn't change where

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they were not able to pull her in. And then sometimes,

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as you're talking about, there's only our emotions we can

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control and our response or our reactions. So they kind

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of come to terms with it, and they didn't expect anything.

361
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So rather than going into the meetings or into the

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conversation to the mindset, oh, this person is going to

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be nasty and then this is going to impact me.

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It's more of a place that it's okay, they are

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going to be who they are. I'm going to be

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who I am.

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Yes, just don't let your don't let your emotions get

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get sucked into where they're coming from. Just manage your

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own emotions and whatever you can too if you know,

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if you're able to help them at the same time

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to become more more positive, and do that. But manage

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your own first and foremost. That's the most important thing,

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so you don't get become part of part of what

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they're going through.

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You're absolutely right. So there are so many people, whether

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they're in the boardrooms, where in the meeting rooms, whether

377
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you're walking down the street, whether you're an entrepreneurial, I mean,

378
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in so many different area you just see that there

379
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are some people who just have this ability to influence

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others and they form close relationships without even trying. Yes,

381
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So can you share what are some of the well

382
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I ure that you can know whether you have any

383
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of those qualities and what people can do to implement

384
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that to bring it.

385
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Even even if we even if we don't have those qualities,

386
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we can develop them, you know, make a conscious effort.

387
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I never had those qualities at one time at all,

388
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but I learned them. And uh yeah, I mean I'll

389
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just give you, you know, example of yesterday. There there's

390
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there's I go to the pool. I go to acquisize

391
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four times a week, and there's a man that comes.

392
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He doesn't do acquisize, but he comes there and he

393
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goes into the pool when when people are are out,

394
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and he goes you know, in the steam room. And

395
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I tell you and and he's blind. He has a

396
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white cane. Yeah, yeah, he can be. He can be

397
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at times grouccy. Actually, if I encountered him one time

398
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in the steam room is just after COVID and and

399
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he berated me for apparently I was breathing too heavy

400
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and he thought he was going to become ill. But anyways,

401
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I decided I was going to you know, reach out

402
00:24:01.279 --> 00:24:01.880
to this man.

403
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And uh yeah.

404
00:24:03.720 --> 00:24:06.319
So we had we had some fun because he was

405
00:24:06.799 --> 00:24:08.480
trying to find his locker and of course he has

406
00:24:08.519 --> 00:24:12.559
to go by by feel, and he was, you know,

407
00:24:12.680 --> 00:24:15.559
he was in the wrong locker and he was going

408
00:24:15.599 --> 00:24:20.799
to put on somebody else's pants. We had a real joke,

409
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you know, a joke about so wouldn't it wouldn't it

410
00:24:23.000 --> 00:24:26.119
be funny if I went on with wearing somebody else's pants,

411
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And you know, we we shared a real good joke.

412
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And since then, you know, I've been talking to him,

413
00:24:31.640 --> 00:24:35.640
you know, all the time, and he's quite he's quite pleasant.

414
00:24:35.680 --> 00:24:38.000
And when you talk to him, he loves to talk

415
00:24:38.119 --> 00:24:40.599
and he uh, you know, he'll ask you, oh, did

416
00:24:40.680 --> 00:24:43.799
you come in just for your for your exercise, your

417
00:24:43.799 --> 00:24:47.279
work on everything. And and yesterday morning he was he

418
00:24:47.359 --> 00:24:50.000
was just getting changed, he was getting dressed when I

419
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came into the locker room and he had his brush

420
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and he was combing his hair. He had very little hair,

421
00:24:55.240 --> 00:24:58.200
but he was he was brushing his hair and I said, Joe,

422
00:24:58.240 --> 00:25:01.079
you look very handsome, and he's just he just burst

423
00:25:01.079 --> 00:25:03.400
out with a great big smile. He was so happy,

424
00:25:03.519 --> 00:25:09.759
you know, that somebody because because he couldn't see himself,

425
00:25:09.799 --> 00:25:13.000
he didn't know even how you're looking. You're looking very handsome, Joe,

426
00:25:13.000 --> 00:25:15.680
And oh he was. He was just and he was

427
00:25:15.720 --> 00:25:18.440
talking and he was just so so happy that somebody

428
00:25:18.440 --> 00:25:21.200
had had had paid attention to him. And you know,

429
00:25:21.440 --> 00:25:24.079
I talked to him. So, Yeah, if we if we

430
00:25:24.160 --> 00:25:28.319
reach out to people, and sometimes I'm a bit of

431
00:25:28.319 --> 00:25:30.519
an extrovert. I have to make the effort. I have

432
00:25:30.599 --> 00:25:32.319
to be conscious of it and make the effort to

433
00:25:32.400 --> 00:25:36.799
reach out. But since I've been been doing that, you know,

434
00:25:36.920 --> 00:25:39.759
I'm feeling so much better. And at first, he got

435
00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:43.680
sometimes it's it doesn't come natural. It didn't come natural

436
00:25:43.720 --> 00:25:46.119
to me to sort of reach out and start conversations

437
00:25:46.119 --> 00:25:49.359
with people. But I'm doing it now, and the more

438
00:25:49.400 --> 00:25:51.480
I'm doing it, the more comfortable it becomes. And it's

439
00:25:51.480 --> 00:25:56.240
becoming almost like now it doesn't cost me very much

440
00:25:56.240 --> 00:25:58.799
discomfort to do it. It's almost like it's becoming more

441
00:25:58.920 --> 00:26:03.160
natural and becoming more more outgoing. So so the more

442
00:26:03.279 --> 00:26:07.039
we push through our comfort zone, the more our comfort

443
00:26:07.119 --> 00:26:11.880
zone in large expands, and the more comfortable we will

444
00:26:11.960 --> 00:26:16.559
be doing things that we're uncomfortable with before, and our

445
00:26:16.640 --> 00:26:20.200
old way of doing things sort of vanishes, it melts

446
00:26:20.240 --> 00:26:23.599
away as we become more comfortable in our new in

447
00:26:23.640 --> 00:26:24.359
our new space.

448
00:26:25.279 --> 00:26:29.759
Mm hmmm, No, absolutely, So what would you say are

449
00:26:29.839 --> 00:26:33.400
some of the characteristics of emotionally intelligent people, especially when

450
00:26:33.400 --> 00:26:37.359
you are seeing people in the professional organizational space.

451
00:26:38.720 --> 00:26:44.599
Yeah, the emotional intelligent people are interested in other people.

452
00:26:44.680 --> 00:26:47.039
You could if you The first thing you.

453
00:26:47.000 --> 00:26:51.240
Can tell somebody's emotional intelligence is if they're having a

454
00:26:51.279 --> 00:26:54.960
conversation with you in a conversation, I mean, they're asking

455
00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:59.119
you about yourself, they're listening to you, they're actually listening

456
00:26:59.119 --> 00:27:03.960
to what you're saying. Because most people, well a lot

457
00:27:04.000 --> 00:27:06.640
of people, you know, most people when we're speaking, they're

458
00:27:06.640 --> 00:27:09.200
thinking of a response, they're not really listening.

459
00:27:10.480 --> 00:27:12.400
But emotional intelligent people.

460
00:27:12.720 --> 00:27:15.920
They really listen and they want to they want to understand,

461
00:27:15.960 --> 00:27:19.759
they want to really hear what you're saying. And because

462
00:27:19.920 --> 00:27:22.759
we so off, we so seldom are really heard when

463
00:27:22.799 --> 00:27:27.599
we're we're speaking, because people are thinking response. Somebody who

464
00:27:27.599 --> 00:27:32.240
actually listens and asks us questions, we really feel connected

465
00:27:32.279 --> 00:27:36.400
to them, and then remember things about people you know,

466
00:27:36.759 --> 00:27:40.519
you know, and after in later conversations bring those things,

467
00:27:40.759 --> 00:27:44.559
they'll say, Wow, somebody's remembered this about me.

468
00:27:45.400 --> 00:27:45.720
Mhm.

469
00:27:46.200 --> 00:27:49.720
They you know, I feel special, I feel important, I'm

470
00:27:49.720 --> 00:27:54.119
important for that person. There's so many conversations that it's

471
00:27:54.200 --> 00:27:57.640
it's not a conversation, it's a monologue. Somebody speaking about

472
00:27:57.640 --> 00:28:02.119
something and they don't even have any idea if you're

473
00:28:02.160 --> 00:28:05.480
interested in that, or don't seem to be conscious of

474
00:28:05.519 --> 00:28:07.400
the fact that you may have no interest at all.

475
00:28:07.720 --> 00:28:08.400
And what they're saying.

476
00:28:08.440 --> 00:28:12.599
Emotional intelligent people want to talk about something that that

477
00:28:12.599 --> 00:28:15.279
that that that that we both want to talk about.

478
00:28:15.400 --> 00:28:18.599
We want to make a connection. Emotional intelligence they remember

479
00:28:18.680 --> 00:28:23.160
people's names, they remember things about them. They don't get

480
00:28:23.200 --> 00:28:25.880
themselves upset very quickly.

481
00:28:26.039 --> 00:28:26.240
You know.

482
00:28:26.519 --> 00:28:29.519
They they're able to really really monitor their their moods,

483
00:28:29.559 --> 00:28:35.200
their emotions. They're they're they're able to push their boundaries.

484
00:28:35.200 --> 00:28:38.079
They're always trying new things. They're not afraid to make

485
00:28:38.200 --> 00:28:40.920
mistakes when when when they when they.

486
00:28:43.440 --> 00:28:45.799
They'll you know, they'll say the sorry they make mistakes.

487
00:28:45.839 --> 00:28:48.880
But they're they're they're very conscious of where they are,

488
00:28:49.000 --> 00:28:51.039
where they're, where they're coming from. They're conscious of how

489
00:28:51.079 --> 00:28:55.880
they influence other people, how other people react to them.

490
00:28:56.079 --> 00:28:58.640
So you won't have to sit there and listen to

491
00:28:58.680 --> 00:29:01.519
them talk about something that you have absolutely no interest in.

492
00:29:03.319 --> 00:29:06.319
Won't carry on, it won't be a monologue. When you

493
00:29:06.359 --> 00:29:09.759
speak to them, they will actually you'll have a good

494
00:29:09.799 --> 00:29:14.240
back and forth conversation where you can both feel very connected.

495
00:29:16.839 --> 00:29:22.640
That definitely makes sense, And I know you have written

496
00:29:22.680 --> 00:29:26.480
that book that you had talked about where you talk

497
00:29:26.559 --> 00:29:29.119
about simple things that we can do in a day

498
00:29:29.160 --> 00:29:33.519
to day live. So would you be sharing with us

499
00:29:33.559 --> 00:29:36.119
a few of those that our audience can take away

500
00:29:36.480 --> 00:29:38.880
and put it into their lives immediately.

501
00:29:40.039 --> 00:29:40.279
Yes.

502
00:29:40.440 --> 00:29:44.319
Well, the first thing that we can do is what

503
00:29:44.799 --> 00:29:48.160
I like to is get up and I like to

504
00:29:48.160 --> 00:29:50.799
start life the day on a very positive note. So

505
00:29:50.839 --> 00:29:54.720
I write at least ten things and it's called a

506
00:29:54.759 --> 00:29:58.400
gratitude book that I'm grateful for that allows me to

507
00:29:58.480 --> 00:30:02.799
start off from a part positive place. Okay, a place

508
00:30:02.839 --> 00:30:05.680
where you know the world is a good place. You know,

509
00:30:05.799 --> 00:30:07.759
like we a lot of people, the world is not

510
00:30:08.559 --> 00:30:11.279
a good place. A lista it starts. It starts me

511
00:30:11.359 --> 00:30:15.119
off on a place of positivity. If I do that,

512
00:30:15.200 --> 00:30:17.039
I know my day is going to go better because

513
00:30:17.039 --> 00:30:19.720
if something happens, I can always think back to, oh,

514
00:30:20.039 --> 00:30:22.319
you know, there's so many good things that I have to.

515
00:30:22.279 --> 00:30:24.599
Be grateful for. Yeah.

516
00:30:25.319 --> 00:30:29.680
Go out there and when you're talking to people, remember

517
00:30:29.960 --> 00:30:33.880
remember things about them, ask them questions about things that

518
00:30:33.920 --> 00:30:39.920
are important to them. Names, remember their names, and remember

519
00:30:39.920 --> 00:30:42.839
how to pronounce their names. Because there's so many people

520
00:30:42.839 --> 00:30:46.319
with names that are difficult for us, maybe because from

521
00:30:46.359 --> 00:30:49.960
different cultures learn how to pronounce that name. There's nothing

522
00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:54.960
more important to us than our name. So somebody remembers

523
00:30:55.000 --> 00:30:58.240
our name and also takes the time and effort to

524
00:30:58.319 --> 00:31:01.880
learn how to pronounce it properly. That that makes a

525
00:31:01.920 --> 00:31:05.960
strong impression. Little things like that all the time, and

526
00:31:07.160 --> 00:31:11.000
just just do little things to to to to.

527
00:31:10.400 --> 00:31:11.200
Make people's day.

528
00:31:11.240 --> 00:31:13.799
If you see something about the person that you really like, Oh,

529
00:31:13.839 --> 00:31:16.920
you know, that's really a nice shirt. Say that if

530
00:31:16.920 --> 00:31:19.000
somebody's ever said that to you. You know, when you

531
00:31:19.160 --> 00:31:21.880
just some stranger you're walking past says that to you,

532
00:31:22.319 --> 00:31:25.920
Remember how you feel, you feel so good. You just

533
00:31:26.200 --> 00:31:28.039
it makes your day, You feel good. Try to do

534
00:31:28.119 --> 00:31:31.000
that for people. You'll not only will they feel better,

535
00:31:31.039 --> 00:31:34.480
but you'll feel a lot better. You your day will

536
00:31:34.519 --> 00:31:38.680
go much smoother, You'll feel a lot better. So very

537
00:31:38.680 --> 00:31:42.319
simple things like that. It's always look look for the positive.

538
00:31:42.440 --> 00:31:46.279
Don't don't there's negative that's going to happen. You know,

539
00:31:46.359 --> 00:31:49.240
you're you're going to see the news it's it's mainly negative.

540
00:31:49.640 --> 00:31:51.680
But look for the positive. Try.

541
00:31:52.359 --> 00:31:55.440
You have to be aware of the negative. But things

542
00:31:55.440 --> 00:31:57.000
that are going on in the world, but you have

543
00:31:57.039 --> 00:31:58.799
to you don't have to inundate.

544
00:31:58.359 --> 00:32:00.720
Yourself with it. Just try to look for the positive

545
00:32:00.799 --> 00:32:01.319
all the time.

546
00:32:02.839 --> 00:32:08.160
Yeah. No, definitely very insightful tips. And I agree with

547
00:32:08.240 --> 00:32:12.240
you that if you're sitting down and watching news, it's

548
00:32:12.559 --> 00:32:16.720
always the negative spin. Well that's a hyperbolieve that said,

549
00:32:16.759 --> 00:32:19.160
like you know, most of the times it is a

550
00:32:19.160 --> 00:32:22.559
negative spin. So I've gone on news fasting and what

551
00:32:22.599 --> 00:32:25.559
I do is, I'll just look at the feed headlines.

552
00:32:25.599 --> 00:32:28.039
I'm still aware of it. As you mentioned, it's important

553
00:32:28.039 --> 00:32:30.839
to be aware of it. Now if we shift the scenario,

554
00:32:30.920 --> 00:32:35.920
so let's say an individual contributor is becoming a manager

555
00:32:36.119 --> 00:32:39.319
the first time, and what happens is that individual contributor

556
00:32:39.519 --> 00:32:43.519
are so much ingrained into their day to day lives

557
00:32:44.119 --> 00:32:48.559
and they are used to working on the tangibles where

558
00:32:48.559 --> 00:32:50.799
that Okay, this is the project I have to take

559
00:32:50.880 --> 00:32:52.519
and I have to finish it and I have to

560
00:32:52.519 --> 00:32:55.480
submitted it got to be done really well. And now

561
00:32:55.599 --> 00:32:58.519
they have become a manager or going from manager to

562
00:32:59.400 --> 00:33:03.000
technically whatever it is, and now they may have a

563
00:33:03.000 --> 00:33:06.920
few people reporting into them. Mmm, what advice would you

564
00:33:06.960 --> 00:33:10.720
give them so that that transition is a smooth one

565
00:33:11.279 --> 00:33:17.000
with and not keeping that individual contributor mindset. But stepping

566
00:33:17.039 --> 00:33:19.200
into the leadership rule.

567
00:33:20.519 --> 00:33:24.440
With emotional intelligence, yes, well, well there's there's a danger

568
00:33:24.559 --> 00:33:28.440
of of if you know you're stepping into that leadership role,

569
00:33:28.720 --> 00:33:31.119
there's a danger if you don't make the switch into

570
00:33:31.160 --> 00:33:34.000
the leadership that you could be micromanaging expect you know,

571
00:33:34.240 --> 00:33:37.960
looking at everybody's work over their shoulders and and do

572
00:33:38.039 --> 00:33:39.839
the micromanaging just a good thing.

573
00:33:40.000 --> 00:33:43.039
You have to let go of the day to day

574
00:33:43.559 --> 00:33:46.160
needing to sort of do it all yourself, and you

575
00:33:46.200 --> 00:33:49.000
have to trust your people that they're they're they're they're

576
00:33:49.079 --> 00:33:52.400
they're going to do they're going to do the work.

577
00:33:52.960 --> 00:33:55.759
So the other thing is is to to get to

578
00:33:55.799 --> 00:33:57.240
know your You're going to have to get to know

579
00:33:57.279 --> 00:34:02.920
your people better and is to form form connections with them,

580
00:34:03.000 --> 00:34:06.200
talk to them, find out more about them than just

581
00:34:06.279 --> 00:34:10.280
what's going on in their work life. Find out, you know,

582
00:34:10.320 --> 00:34:12.440
if you can about the you know, the personal life,

583
00:34:12.480 --> 00:34:14.800
what they like, what sort of things they like, and

584
00:34:14.840 --> 00:34:17.519
get to know them, all of these people on a

585
00:34:17.559 --> 00:34:21.199
more personal level so you can actually support them and

586
00:34:22.000 --> 00:34:27.679
in that way you know emotionally, uh, and trust them,

587
00:34:27.760 --> 00:34:30.360
learn to trust them. And of course you know you're

588
00:34:30.360 --> 00:34:34.119
going to have to if something goes wrong, you're going

589
00:34:34.159 --> 00:34:38.559
to have to, you know, confront them with it. But

590
00:34:38.559 --> 00:34:41.519
but also let them know that you trust them and

591
00:34:41.519 --> 00:34:45.519
and that you believe in their abilities. That's very very

592
00:34:45.559 --> 00:34:50.559
important because and that they can come to you with anything,

593
00:34:51.119 --> 00:34:54.800
any concerns, that they don't have to when something's going wrong,

594
00:34:55.000 --> 00:34:57.360
they have no need to hide it. They can they

595
00:34:57.400 --> 00:35:02.519
can depend on you. If they make a mistake, it's okay,

596
00:35:02.559 --> 00:35:06.480
they can come to you. Just build those relationships with people,

597
00:35:06.800 --> 00:35:09.000
because you're doing it. It's a whole different role now

598
00:35:09.039 --> 00:35:11.719
you have to you have to depend on them and

599
00:35:11.760 --> 00:35:17.559
they have to depend on you. So yeah, just focus

600
00:35:17.599 --> 00:35:21.800
on forming those relationships instead of looking at every detail

601
00:35:21.880 --> 00:35:23.039
of the work that they're doing.

602
00:35:24.239 --> 00:35:29.280
Mm hmm definitely, because as you mentioned that, there's that

603
00:35:29.480 --> 00:35:33.719
danger of falling into micromanagement now versus if you're sitting

604
00:35:33.760 --> 00:35:36.800
down with your reports and asking them what is their

605
00:35:36.880 --> 00:35:41.320
vision for the coming year, where do they see themselves

606
00:35:41.320 --> 00:35:43.519
growing into the role or what could they bring to

607
00:35:43.559 --> 00:35:47.920
the team. And when you're inspiring people, then what happens

608
00:35:48.000 --> 00:35:52.880
is that external motivation shifts to the internal inspiration. And

609
00:35:52.920 --> 00:35:56.800
when you're doing that, you're also creating that safe space

610
00:35:57.119 --> 00:36:01.679
where they're able to fail, as you mentioned, because it's

611
00:36:01.679 --> 00:36:04.400
okay to make mistakes, it's okay. You're there for them

612
00:36:04.440 --> 00:36:07.280
to support them. Yes, and when people know that you

613
00:36:07.400 --> 00:36:11.559
have their back, then there's a shift where they start

614
00:36:11.599 --> 00:36:15.000
trusting you. And when there is trust, then that's what

615
00:36:15.239 --> 00:36:17.519
forms the foundation of the relationship.

616
00:36:18.119 --> 00:36:20.599
Yes, And it's important to get to know them all

617
00:36:20.599 --> 00:36:24.760
as individuals so that you can show you can show

618
00:36:24.800 --> 00:36:28.079
your appreciation for you know, when they're doing good work

619
00:36:28.480 --> 00:36:32.719
in ways that you know, one size doesn't fit all

620
00:36:32.800 --> 00:36:35.079
with all your people. Some people like to be shown

621
00:36:35.159 --> 00:36:37.639
appreciation in front of a large group or you're doing

622
00:36:37.679 --> 00:36:41.400
such wonderful. Some people don't want that. Some people like it.

623
00:36:41.320 --> 00:36:45.840
It's sort of more introverted. They like individuals sort of

624
00:36:45.840 --> 00:36:48.519
attention things like that. And that's where it's important to

625
00:36:48.559 --> 00:36:51.599
get to know your people as well. You know very

626
00:36:51.599 --> 00:36:55.079
well and know what they're like, know how they like

627
00:36:55.159 --> 00:36:59.199
to be shown appreciation, and be very generous with your appreciation.

628
00:36:59.280 --> 00:37:03.800
That who is it that said Andrew Carnegie? Find them,

629
00:37:04.039 --> 00:37:07.239
catch them doing something right instead of looking for things,

630
00:37:07.679 --> 00:37:10.400
Instead of trying to find things that they're doing wrong,

631
00:37:11.679 --> 00:37:14.840
try to catch them doing something right. That's always the

632
00:37:14.880 --> 00:37:17.880
first thing you should do, is you know, look for

633
00:37:17.960 --> 00:37:21.639
things that they're doing right instead instead of focusing what

634
00:37:21.760 --> 00:37:23.039
they might be doing wrong.

635
00:37:24.480 --> 00:37:29.960
Yeah, have that focus, absolutely, and that's very powerful. That

636
00:37:30.119 --> 00:37:33.639
catch them doing things right. And as you're giving them

637
00:37:33.880 --> 00:37:39.199
real time feedback, the power in that is so powerful

638
00:37:39.559 --> 00:37:44.920
because that's only going to enhance their performance and it

639
00:37:44.960 --> 00:37:53.280
will help them continue building there. Yeah, yeah, continue building

640
00:37:53.280 --> 00:37:57.159
their confidence. And when they continue building their confidence, it's

641
00:37:57.360 --> 00:38:03.079
helpful to Yeah, so tell us, like, you know, where

642
00:38:03.119 --> 00:38:05.280
can people find your books?

643
00:38:05.679 --> 00:38:09.920
Well, they're available on my website, the other kind of

644
00:38:09.960 --> 00:38:14.199
smartsmart dot com, that's one word. Or they can find

645
00:38:14.239 --> 00:38:17.199
them on Amazon, sells them in a lot.

646
00:38:17.000 --> 00:38:22.440
Of other bookstores, book Boom, just all of them.

647
00:38:22.679 --> 00:38:27.519
They would carry my book the online stores and you

648
00:38:27.599 --> 00:38:33.719
might find it in your local bookstore. But if it's

649
00:38:33.760 --> 00:38:36.400
not there, they would be able to order order the

650
00:38:36.400 --> 00:38:43.119
books in. But yeah, and it's available in my latest

651
00:38:42.920 --> 00:38:48.239
is available in hardcover. It's also available an ebook format

652
00:38:48.360 --> 00:38:51.480
and I'll leave it's available in an audiobook format as well.

653
00:38:51.519 --> 00:38:59.599
Now that's fantastic, And as we bring our show to

654
00:38:59.639 --> 00:39:03.599
a close, are there any last one or two tips

655
00:39:03.599 --> 00:39:05.360
that you would like to share with our audience.

656
00:39:06.119 --> 00:39:11.880
Well, the the the become a better listener is the

657
00:39:11.880 --> 00:39:16.800
best way we can make connections with people, and it's

658
00:39:16.880 --> 00:39:19.519
just just to try to. The one way thing we

659
00:39:19.599 --> 00:39:22.960
can do is actually we can We can practice becoming

660
00:39:23.000 --> 00:39:27.360
better listeners by you know, somebody in our family or

661
00:39:27.360 --> 00:39:30.039
a good friend that we trusted, sitting down with them

662
00:39:30.400 --> 00:39:35.440
and having them speak for three minutes and then us

663
00:39:36.159 --> 00:39:38.400
feeding back to them what we heard them say. That way,

664
00:39:38.440 --> 00:39:41.840
we won't have the urge to respond to whatever they're saying.

665
00:39:42.840 --> 00:39:45.119
Our only job will be just to listen and feedback.

666
00:39:45.159 --> 00:39:48.559
We can practice listening, active listening, become an active listener.

667
00:39:49.000 --> 00:39:51.920
That is one of the most powerful tools we have

668
00:39:52.679 --> 00:39:57.239
of making stronger connections with people, becoming more emotionally intelligent.

669
00:39:57.519 --> 00:40:02.559
Just practice active listening and and asking more questions when

670
00:40:02.599 --> 00:40:05.360
they're when someone's speaking, Oh, tell me more about that

671
00:40:05.559 --> 00:40:09.679
or something. Don't ask close any questions like okay, but

672
00:40:09.800 --> 00:40:12.159
open end and tell me more about that. So how

673
00:40:12.159 --> 00:40:15.239
do you feel about that? You know, what what made you,

674
00:40:15.360 --> 00:40:18.440
what made you decide on on that type of thing,

675
00:40:18.519 --> 00:40:21.320
So they can they can get into the story a

676
00:40:21.320 --> 00:40:21.840
little more.

677
00:40:21.960 --> 00:40:23.239
They'll really appreciate that.

678
00:40:23.960 --> 00:40:29.079
Mm hmm. Yeah, absolutely, because when you learn about the

679
00:40:29.119 --> 00:40:33.880
other person, there's always this beautiful thing that something will

680
00:40:33.920 --> 00:40:36.760
stand out to you about them. And then when you

681
00:40:36.960 --> 00:40:40.559
keep that in mind, it's not even about trying to

682
00:40:40.599 --> 00:40:43.280
remember it, because if it stands out for you, and

683
00:40:43.320 --> 00:40:47.519
if you have been listening to understand, listening to get

684
00:40:47.519 --> 00:40:49.960
to know the other person, you will remember it.

685
00:40:50.360 --> 00:40:55.199
Yes, and yeah, go ahead, sorry, no, that's.

686
00:40:55.079 --> 00:40:58.440
Okay, and then it just becomes the foundation of a

687
00:40:58.519 --> 00:41:00.639
start of a strong relationship.

688
00:41:00.679 --> 00:41:05.440
Right, yes, Because we all as humans, we have the

689
00:41:05.519 --> 00:41:09.719
need to be heard, you know, feel heard. And you know,

690
00:41:09.760 --> 00:41:13.000
it's important for our managers to know that even though

691
00:41:13.079 --> 00:41:17.360
the situation there's nothing we could do to change it, perhaps,

692
00:41:17.760 --> 00:41:20.360
but the person that's coming to us with a concern,

693
00:41:20.440 --> 00:41:23.559
how's that need to be heard and if we hear them,

694
00:41:23.840 --> 00:41:26.079
they're going to walk away a lot happier than when

695
00:41:26.079 --> 00:41:29.480
it came to us, even though they know we can't

696
00:41:29.519 --> 00:41:32.159
do anything to really change that. You know, they're aware

697
00:41:32.159 --> 00:41:34.079
of that, but they need to feel heard, and we

698
00:41:34.159 --> 00:41:37.559
all need to feel hurd And when somebody hears us

699
00:41:38.280 --> 00:41:42.679
that percution becomes we form a connection with that person

700
00:41:42.719 --> 00:41:46.239
because it's a rare thing to really be hurt, and

701
00:41:46.280 --> 00:41:49.039
we all have the need for that to feel heard,

702
00:41:49.079 --> 00:41:52.119
because when we were heard, we feel we're important and

703
00:41:52.199 --> 00:41:53.199
we all need to feel that.

704
00:41:54.639 --> 00:41:58.519
And that brings us back to our circle of the

705
00:41:58.559 --> 00:42:02.000
story where you started, Yes, when you had shared that

706
00:42:02.039 --> 00:42:06.840
when you were a little boy, and you felt important

707
00:42:06.920 --> 00:42:11.039
because there was this person who gave you his full attention.

708
00:42:11.880 --> 00:42:16.039
And that's the key, is that when you're in space

709
00:42:16.079 --> 00:42:19.360
with someone else, create that space for them. Just be

710
00:42:19.480 --> 00:42:24.119
there for them. So I'm sure our listeners would love

711
00:42:24.159 --> 00:42:28.599
to find out where they can connect with you social media.

712
00:42:28.719 --> 00:42:29.599
What's your preference?

713
00:42:31.320 --> 00:42:32.800
Well, I'm on LinkedIn.

714
00:42:33.920 --> 00:42:38.000
Yeah, I'm on LinkedIn quite a bit. That's the main place.

715
00:42:38.039 --> 00:42:41.599
I'm on Facebook too. I'm not on Facebook much, but

716
00:42:42.119 --> 00:42:44.639
LinkedIn is the best way to connect with me. Just

717
00:42:45.000 --> 00:42:48.360
find me, wander my name and yeah, I spend a

718
00:42:48.360 --> 00:42:51.800
lot of time on that platform.

719
00:42:52.039 --> 00:42:54.119
Absolutely. And they can also reach out to you on

720
00:42:54.159 --> 00:42:57.760
your website, which is the other kind of smart Yes.

721
00:42:59.280 --> 00:43:02.559
On my website. There's a free emotional intelligence quiz that

722
00:43:02.599 --> 00:43:07.280
I have. It's fifteen questions one quiz. It won't take long,

723
00:43:07.360 --> 00:43:11.559
it's self scoring. The idea is not to take it seriously,

724
00:43:11.719 --> 00:43:15.119
but it will give you a good feeling of what

725
00:43:15.199 --> 00:43:18.239
emotional intelligence is more than actually I could you know,

726
00:43:19.000 --> 00:43:21.119
I could talk about what it is, but these questions

727
00:43:21.119 --> 00:43:24.760
will give you a much better feeling of what it

728
00:43:24.840 --> 00:43:28.400
actually is. So have fun with the quiz and you

729
00:43:28.480 --> 00:43:29.719
can learn more about.

730
00:43:29.480 --> 00:43:31.079
Me on the site.

731
00:43:32.119 --> 00:43:35.320
Well fantastic, Well, thank you for joining us, Harvey.

732
00:43:35.599 --> 00:43:36.280
It was.

733
00:43:38.000 --> 00:43:42.320
Wonderful to have this conversation with you about emotional intelligence

734
00:43:42.519 --> 00:43:47.840
and making people's lives better, because that's what the life

735
00:43:47.880 --> 00:43:52.320
is about, creating impact and helping others live the life

736
00:43:54.239 --> 00:43:58.000
they can live beautifully and just keep on spreading the joy.

737
00:43:58.199 --> 00:43:59.320
So thank you for joining us.

738
00:43:59.599 --> 00:44:01.800
Thank you very much of you for having me on.

739
00:44:02.000 --> 00:44:05.639
I really I really enjoyed it, had a great time.

740
00:44:06.079 --> 00:44:06.960
Thank you awesome.

741
00:44:07.280 --> 00:44:11.639
I enjoyed it too, And thank you wonderful audience because

742
00:44:11.679 --> 00:44:14.519
you know that without you the show would not be possible.

743
00:44:15.119 --> 00:44:17.480
Reach out to us, tell us your kind of stories

744
00:44:17.559 --> 00:44:22.000
and let us know how we can support you. Who

745
00:44:22.039 --> 00:44:25.960
else can be brawing so that you have a wonderful life.

746
00:44:26.079 --> 00:44:29.599
And thank you one for making the show technically possible.

747
00:44:30.280 --> 00:44:32.480
Until next time, be well and take care.

748
00:44:33.599 --> 00:44:36.000
Thank you for being part of Beyond Confidence with your

749
00:44:36.039 --> 00:44:38.679
host via Park. We hope you have learned more about

750
00:44:38.679 --> 00:44:41.320
how to start living the life you want. Each week

751
00:44:41.360 --> 00:44:44.400
on Beyond Confidence, you hear stories of real people who've

752
00:44:44.440 --> 00:44:48.599
experienced growth by overcoming their fears and building meaningful relationships.

753
00:44:48.960 --> 00:44:52.079
During Beyond Confidence, Diva Park shares what happened to her

754
00:44:52.159 --> 00:44:54.320
when she stepped out of her comfort zone to work

755
00:44:54.360 --> 00:44:57.599
directly with people across the globe. She not only coaches

756
00:44:57.639 --> 00:45:01.320
people how to form HERD connections, but also transform relationships

757
00:45:01.320 --> 00:45:04.559
to mutually beneficial partnerships as they strive to live the

758
00:45:04.639 --> 00:45:07.000
life they want. If you are ready to live the

759
00:45:07.039 --> 00:45:10.119
life you want and leverage your strengths, learn more at

760
00:45:10.199 --> 00:45:14.760
www dotwpark dot com and you can connect with vat

761
00:45:15.039 --> 00:45:18.559
contact at dvpark dot com. We look forward to you

762
00:45:18.719 --> 00:45:19.800
joining us next week.