Oct. 22, 2024

Why Genuine Leadership Matters Today

Show Notes
Transcript

Do you ever feel like the world needs to remember how to connect?
You're not alone. In this episode, Divya Parekh and Sally Raymond, a psychotherapist, uncover why many of us struggle to lead confidently and build authentic relationships. We dive into how the Industrial Revolution's obsession with STEM pushed aside the crucial skills of emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and genuine connection—skills that are more vital now than ever.

Beyond Confidence is broadcast live Tuesdays at 10AM ET on W4WN Radio - Women 4 Women Network (www.w4wn.com) part of Talk 4 Radio (www.talk4radio.com) on the Talk 4 Media Network (www.talk4media.com). Beyond Confidence TV Show is viewed on Talk 4 TV (www.talk4tv.com).

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This is Beyond Confidence with your host d W Park.

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Do you want to live a more fulfilling life? Do

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you want to live your legacy and achieve your personal, professional,

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and financial goals? Well? Coming up on dvaparks Beyond Confidence,

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you will hear real stories of leaders, entrepreneurs, and achievers

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who have stepped into discomfort, shattered their status quo, and

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are living the life they want. You will learn how

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relationships are the key to achieving your aspirations and financial goals.

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Moving your career business forward does not have to happen

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at the expense of your personal or family life or

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vice versa. Learn more at www dot Dvpork dot com

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and you can connect with vants contact dants divpark dot com.

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This is beyond confidence and now here's your host, Dvpark.

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Good morning listeners.

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This is Devi.

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It's Tuesday morning, and I'm thrilled to be here with y'all.

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So talking about kindest stories, I want to share something

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very beautiful. Like I was at a bank, at a

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local bank, and I was just reading in a line,

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and what I saw was that there was a mom

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with a little kid, and the kid was probably two

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or three years old, and he was getting a little

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and see, I mean, you know, that's not a place

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for the kid to be. I guess, because you've got

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to stand in line. And mom was trying to, like,

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you know, sue them and all that. And the teller

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stepped out and said that would be okay if I

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gave him a candy, and mom said sure, and she

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gave him a lollipop and there is this beautiful smile

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breakout on that little child's face, and everybody smiled at him,

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and it was just that that the whole environment in

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the whole bank changed just in that one moment.

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So think about it.

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You can do a lot with a little kindness. A

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little kindness goes a long way. And for those of

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you who have got our books, thank you. If you

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have not, get the books and you will see a

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difference in your lives and shared the message with other

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people because our goal is to impact as many people

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as we can through our podcast for our messages, through

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books and through any other media we can. And also

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part of the profits from the books proceeds go to

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keep a dot org so your health being entrepreneurs.

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So let's bring in our guest.

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Welcome Sally, Hi Divia, it's good to be here. Thank you,

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good to me. Have you.

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So seally share with paths as too. Do you have

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a special person? Do you have a special moment in

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your life that you cherish even today?

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Oh, I absolutely do the one person. I'd say. I

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have two sons and both of them are amazing, but

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my eldest, the moment he was born, I had this

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very strange experience. My brain told me something that I

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would not have told myself. As I watched him being

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lifted up out above me for the first time and

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I got to see him for the very first time,

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my brain said, here is the one who will teach

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you all you need to know. And I was twenty five,

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and I thought, no parents teach their children all they

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need to know. But my brain told me this other thing.

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And I don't know where that came from, but honestly,

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that boy has been the most incredible teacher all my

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entire life. And he was a superstar and he committed

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suicide at twenty three.

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Yeah, I'm so sorry.

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Well he's still teaching me. I had to learn so

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very much because I was just becoming a psychotherapist when

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this happened, and I just barely had the tools to

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possibly cope with the grief and the pain and the loss,

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the shock, everything. But as I did, I realized I

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also had the tools to find out what I missed,

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and that just threw me into a complete anthropological dig

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of our entire lives to find out the stories I

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must have missed that took a superstar to suicide, And

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over twenty eight years, I found them, and none of

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them died with him. They're all happening right now to

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young people, and so it became my mission as a

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mom and a psychotherapist to tell his stories in a

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way that would help other people survive what we didn't.

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And that's what that one, that child has been doing

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for me ever since he was born. Hm.

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Hm, It's.

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It's very powerful how you have taken what has happened

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in your life and turned it around for the better

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and good of other people.

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And when we do that, there is so much more

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power to it. So I'll share with you. I get

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a lot of different clients from.

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Young parents and to young professionals, to like you know,

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who are just having a baby, and then they talk

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about the issues like you know, how they don't have

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time to.

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A lot of different folks professionals.

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You know, they could be like VP or in executives

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or mid managers, and they're saying that everything is going great,

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but I'm not able to communicate with my children. Yeah,

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that stress is pull me down. I'm really worried about them.

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And actually one of my clients shed that our manager,

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like the manager who was reporting into a VPI, that

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she was a star performer great, like you know, like

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she had joined three years back, but her son was

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in high school and things were going and that she

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was going downhill and she did not know what to

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do and how.

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To support it. So, because what happens is the corporate world,

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like the work needs to go on.

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What can people do? So first of all, you mentioned

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that you missed out on the story. So even before

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it comes to this, share with us how parents can

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see what stories they're missing and what could they do

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so that they don't have to miss those stories.

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Oh, that's such a beautiful question, Pat Diva. I spent

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twenty eight years trying to find that answer out and

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in my book. I wrote a book and there are

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eight tears to our personal growth. Every single person goes

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through the same eight tiers. If you understand the core issue,

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it's a growth issue that we face at every new tier.

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At birth, the first issue in life is trust or mistrust.

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And that baby is sentient. He is or she has

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been in the womb and paying attention, able to hear,

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able to feel completely aware of its surroundings. And when

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it's born, can it trust the environment? Do people love

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it and hold and take care of it and give

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it the attention it needs, or do they just ignore

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it and let it cry? I mean that baby is

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paying attention and so what it learns at the very

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beginning of life is going to affect it for the

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rest of its life. And in my case that little

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baby that I had, which was very wanted. This little

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boy named I named John after Jonathan Livingston Seagle because

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his father was an airline pilot. He was born and

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he was crying and crying and crying, and the doctor

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just kept telling me it's colic, it's just colic, and

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you know, you just have to wait it out. It's

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three months, and it was just miserable. And after three

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months he was still crying so hard, and I, you know,

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it was just a terrible thing. And I called the

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doctor and he said, well, maybe it's the four month

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colic or the five month colic. And I got so

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mad I hung up on him. Another got another pediatrician

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immediately went to see it. Took my son to see

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him the very first day. And he was examining John

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and he was feeling around his collarbones and he said, oh,

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look here, he said, feel right here. There was a

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lump and he said, he's had a broken collarbone. That's

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why he's crying.

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Oh my goodness.

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And it was never diagnosed and I couldn't tell because

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he was so it was just a teeny little guy.

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I didn't it was. It was not all the way

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broken out, but it was it was broken, and so

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that was why he was crying. And so he learned

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to mistrust because I couldn't I didn't help him, I

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heard him, and that affected him for the rest of

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his life. And then but you know, the next stage

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of life, it's you know, the children are learning how

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to move and how to get to where they want

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to go, and so their their whole thing is about autonomy.

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They want to move and be free to move and

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check everything out and they're so curious and they want

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to learn how to how to move and how to

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how to find out about every single thing and put

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it in their mouth and you know, play with it

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at whatever.

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Yeah, like, the more the more you tell them, know,

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the more they want to do those things.

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Oh of course, of course, so you know, and so

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that that they really need to feel like they can

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accomplish things. They can feel you know, pride in the

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fact that they can get to where they want to go.

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And that's it's called the stage is called autonomy versus

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shame and doubt because if they can't succeed in just

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getting to where they want to go, if they're constantly frustrated,

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that if they're constantly unable to do that, they're going

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to feel bad about themselves and that yes, yes, yes,

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yes yes. And so it's really important that children get

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success experiences, that they get to be able to do

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these things that they're so desirous of doing as long

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as they're safe. So the parents' job is just to

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create a safe space so they can go anywhere and

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they're fine. And so you give them places what to do.

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You can do this, you can do that, you can

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do these other things, but you basically baby proof the

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house so that they can't get on a certain height,

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you know, right, right, And so at every age there's

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a new issue, and each one is a growth one.

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It's helping them become more than they were. And it's

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inside of us. It's inside. Nobody sees it, nobody hears it,

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but it's there. And so if we know those stages

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and we know what's important at every stage, then we

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can really help our children grow. And so with my son,

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when he was about ten years old, I think I

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told him, I said, you know, this is why, because

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he would shy away from you if you tried to

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touch him. He just you know, back away. And so

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I told him, I said, this is why you do.

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That is because you know of when you were born,

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you had a broken collarbone that wasn't diagnosed, so every

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time I touched you or picked you up, it probably

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hurts you. And I said, and that's why you don't

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you do this. It's an automatic response now, But that's

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not who you are. I said, it was just a

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misunderstanding from the doctor. And he, you know, once I

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went to a new doctor and learned what happened, then

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everything was fine. But in the meantime, you learn not

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to trust. So he wouldn't let you touch him. And

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so I tried to tell him that and his response

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was really interesting. He said, well, it's good to know

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where I got it, but what do I do about it?

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And I said, I don't know, But I said, but

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knowing that this isn't who you are is really important.

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That this is just an effect of something that happened

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to you, but it isn't who you are. And so,

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but that's mistrust. If you have mistrust at the beginning

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of your life, you are a higher risk of suicide

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later on.

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So you've talked about the early stages, what about the

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later stages in life, like you know, as they're growing

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and so many times they could be in college or

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even grown ups.

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Yes, and in the middle stages like around college. Their

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whole issue is establishing an identity and establishing you know,

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who am I? You know, and it's really important that

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they do that among their peers because their peers are

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going to be the people who they're going to be

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with for the rest of their life. And it's really

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important that they get reflected back as to their own personality,

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who they are and how they are. And once that

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is in place, that's a very that's a very positive thing.

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But it's either identity or role confusion, they just become

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confused and lost. And that's another place, that's a very

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serious place where children do end up falling, and that's

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when breaks happen, schizophrenia happens. That's a very dangerous time.

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So can you tell us a little bit more about

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the role confusion.

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Yeah, Role confusion is when you can't establish a coherent identity.

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You just can't. You know, you're you're not getting you

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don't have friends, you don't have interests, you can't find

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your way in society, you're not getting great good grades,

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you're falling, You're just not not getting the support you

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need to feel strong and clear and able to succeed.

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And that's one of the things that I really want

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to talk about, because we aren't teaching children or you know,

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people of any age, how to speak effectively. We're not

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teaching them how to self regulate their emotions. We're not

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teaching them how to listen, and listening is the key

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to growth and to learning and you know the more.

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And we're not teaching the very qualities that chill their

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need to cohere a solid, integrative identity that they can

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trust and grow through the rest of their life with.

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And so this is where we are lacking as a society.

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We do not teach social emotional skills in school and

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that is a huge, huge problem, and they expect the

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parents to teach it, and they've never been taught them either.

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And so it's a real catastrophe that's going on right

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now in America. And I am really dedicated to turning

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that around. And so for the last twenty one years,

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I am invited into high schools for free and I

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lead an eight week class in teaching social emotional skills

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to the students and I teach them to these are

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a high school juniors. And every year I walk in

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and I see a sea of dead eyes, just dead

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bored eyes. And eight weeks later, you can't believe the

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light in those eyes and their hands are constantly raising.

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Everybody's excited and they're realizing as they're learning the skills

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of how to get along with other people, how to

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make a difference in your voice, in your eye contact,

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with your body language, with everything that you can make

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a difference. You matter, your stories matter, and every kid

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learns from every other kid, and it just creates a

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wave and there's no end to the possibilities. It's just

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absolutely a phenomenal thing.

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It's not very pastic. What's that you're doing?

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So now, like you know, we have the medium to

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share with her audience, So share, like, you know, what

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are some of the basic things that parents could teach.

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You mentioned that you know a lot of responsibility lies

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with parents.

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Well let's start. Let's start at that phase, Like, you know,

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share with us some practical.

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Ways where the parents, whether it is or whether it's

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like you know, leaders and the corporations that let's say,

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the young fresh graduates are coming in and if they're lacking,

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you know, what are some of the practical ways that

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they can teach that social emotional learnings.

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Well, you want to you want to teach First of all,

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corporations are not really educating the new people coming on

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board of all the different uh, the you know, the

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life of a corporation, the kinds of things that we

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face in a corporation. Uh. They really need to understand

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the mechanics of a corporation so that they cannot take

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things personally, because that's a big problem, you know. And

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with my son when that was the immediate cause of

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his suicide was he was, yeah, he was had been

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hired as appointment on a development team in Silicon Valley.

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It was a very high, high level job and so

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he was the one who was supposed to be competitive

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with Microsoft and Apple and that kind of thing. And

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he was very excited about this job, and he was

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doing really well and he loved his boss. He thought

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it was great. And six months in he went to

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work one day and they said, okay, you're being transferred

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to a different part of the department of the company.

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And they brought him to this new place and introduced

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him to his new boss, and he started saying, what

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about I done wrong? And they said nothing, You've done

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nothing wrong, and he couldn't believe them because he was

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being demoted and he was like, what what what? What

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has happened? And he went into shock. And he was

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a boy who had never got to be in his

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whole life. He was he was a superstar, he really

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really was, and so he thought he had failed, which

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was inconceivable for him, and and that that that nobody

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was able to tell him anything. They just said, you're

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doing fine, everything's great. This is just what we have

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to do right now. But he wasn't getting any answer

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with regard to what had happened, and that's when he

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actually killed himself.

328
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Oh I'm so sorry.

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Yeah. But years later, after I was somewhat healed, I

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started to research that company because I wanted to find

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out what happened to it. And what I found blew

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me away because what I found was that exactly at

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00:21:57.920 --> 00:22:03.680
the time John was demoted, that that same day, the

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company was in talks with IBM to merge, and they

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were merging with IBM, so his job was going to

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be gone, but they weren't ready to publicize this fact. Yeah,

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so it wasn't it wasn't it wasn't time for them

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to publicize it, but it was going on, you know,

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it was, it was happening, and so he was being

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he was being put in a place where he would

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that would survive the buyout. They were trying to keep him,

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and but they couldn't tell him about the fact that

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it was there was a merger going on.

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M hmm. Some situations like this, what could be done?

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That is when I really believed that they should be

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you know, should give some kind of a movie or

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film or something about the dynamics of corporations and how

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they work and the kinds of things that happen in

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corporations that have nothing to do with your you know,

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your work or your ability or your performance or anything

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00:23:16.480 --> 00:23:19.519
like that. But these are just things that happen in

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inside corporations because they are a money making thing and

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they're an entity that only is existing to make money.

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But then there's other companies and there's competition, and buyouts happen,

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and so if people know the lay of the land

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in a corporation, they'll be better able to understand the

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meaning and not take things personally where they end up,

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you know, setting themselves up for failure.

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00:23:47.640 --> 00:23:51.720
M and this goes back to the communication piece that

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you were talking about earlier, that it's about communicating and

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letting them know that there are things worked with a

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lot of my clients who say that, you know, we

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are going to do lay offs and I cannot tell

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them and it's coming.

365
00:24:07.960 --> 00:24:12.000
Yeah, So but they could be warned ahead of time.

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They could be well, sometimes they're not able to get

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warn but like here's the thing, Like you know that

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when you are sitting and delivering that message, that's the

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key moment and prepping them during that time that I

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want to share how I see you as a strong candidate,

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as a strong person, and illustrate everything and then just

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be transparent that there are things that are going on

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that we're not at liberty to disclose and just want

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to share with you that this has got nothing to

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do with you. And like it's not just at during

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that time. It's during that time of a leader working

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with the client or working with the employees, right like

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you know, working with the reports, letting them know that

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they appreciate they're heard, and creating that nurturing environment where

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they can grow and building that trust. Going back to

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what you had said initially when your son was young,

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so like it's the trust is so fragile, so that like,

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you know, building that trust continuously, not waiting till the

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last minute. Absolutely, it would go long way. So kind

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of coming back to parents. Now, corporations have a responsibility,

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but before that, like you know, most of the time,

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like especially when they're young, kids do spend time with

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the parents. So what could parents do in the forming years?

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What techniques like if if you have any practical, actionable

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techniques that you can share that parents would do, that

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would be great.

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Yes, I one of the things I'm you know, Okay,

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this goes back to my grandmother. She was a very

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definite pioneer. She had come across the prairie and a

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covered wagon when she was two years old, and she

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